


All I Ever Wanted

by xxenjoy



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, Anal Sex, Angst with a Happy Ending, Background Relationships, Fake Relationship, Frottage, Injury, M/M, Masturbation, Past Relationship(s), Top!Cas, Vacation, alcohol as a coping mecahnism, fake engagement, mixing alcohol and painkillers, panty!kink
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-08
Updated: 2020-04-08
Packaged: 2021-03-01 01:13:56
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 57,406
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23136736
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xxenjoy/pseuds/xxenjoy
Summary: Last summer, Dean spent a blissful week in Florida with a man he never thought he’d see again. Now, a year and a half later, Dean and his friends are traveling up to Canada for their annual group vacation. Dean’s been looking forward to it all year and nothing can dampen his excitement. Except possibly finding out that his summer fling - the one he isn’t quite over - is now engaged to his brother.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 70
Kudos: 227
Collections: Dean/Cas Pinefest 2020





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> **Written for the DeanCas Pinefest 2020**  
>    
> With beautiful art by deathbycoldopen, go and [check her out!!](https://deathbycoldopen.tumblr.com/)
> 
> Thanks to all the incredible Mods at DCPF for organizing it for another year!  
> And to Rori for once again putting up with my shit and terrible typing skills <3  
> And [misccee](https://misccee.tumblr.com/) for all her help <3
> 
>  **EDIT:** Sorry to anyone who got to this before the issue with chapter one was fixed. I seem to have deleted a line while I was posting. If you find any other issues, feel free to let me know in a comment or on Tumblr and I'll get it fixed as quickly as possible <3

Cas is sitting on the couch with his notebook in his lap, trying to finish off the last little bit of this chapter before they fly out to Kansas. If he gets it done now, he won't have to worry about it for the entirety of his vacation and he'll be able to enjoy himself for once instead of worrying about deadlines. He taps his pen against the page, contemplating his wording. Just as he’s about to change it, the front door of the apartment swings open and Sam storms into the living room, practically throwing himself onto the armchair opposite Cas. 

It only takes a moment for Cas to realize what warrants Sam's dramatics because Gabriel saunters in after him, hands shoved in his pockets. He kicks the door shut behind him and drops down on the end of the couch Cas is sitting on, peering over him at Sam. 

"I don't know why you won't just give me a chance," Gabriel says and at first Cas thinks he's talking to him until Sam huffs loudly from the other side of the room. 

"We've been through this, Gabe, a dozen times."

"Yeah, but all you say is _no_ , you never tell me why."

Cas groans internally and pulls his knees up a little tighter, hoping that if he hides himself in the couch cushions he won't get pulled into this argument again. Gabe has been asking Sam out at least once a week since the day they met, and despite months having passed without any indication that Sam's interested, he refuses to give up. Even after Sam turned him down three times in one day, Gabriel persisted. 

"I mean," Gabe continues, "I just don't get it. You hang around with this kid every day, but you won't give me a chance? Please, you have better taste than that." 

Castiel steadfastly ignores the comment, keeping his eyes on his paper because he knows Gabe is trying to bring him into the argument and he's having none of it. Not today. 

"I dunno," Sam shrugs and Cas is surprised to find his tone is more playful than irritated, unusual when he's bickering with Gabe. "Cas is more my type than you are." Cas levels him with a glare and Sam smirks, looking between the two brothers. 

Gabriel sneers, raising his eyebrows at Cas before looking back at Sam. "Nuh-uh, you two? I don't believe it. Wouldn't happen. Cas doesn't have that kind of patience and you couldn't put up with him."

Cas has been trying to stay quiet, but now he and Sam sit up at the same time to defend themselves. As soon as Sam starts arguing, Cas notices the gleam in Gabriel's eye and he realizes they've been set up. 

"You think you two could pull it off huh?"

Cas tries to get Sam to shut up, but Sam either ignores the hand gestures or misreads them, because he goes and opens his big fat mouth and retorts, "yeah. We could." Gabriel just beams. 

“Would you bet on it?”

Cas shakes his head hoping Sam will get the hint. He doesn’t.

“Depends. What are we betting?”

"Here's the deal - we're going up to the Harvelle's lodge for what, two weeks? Ish? If you can convince our friends that you two are dating, I'll leave you alone and never ask you out again."

"Never?" Sam asks, looking enthusiastic.

"And what if we fail?" Cas asks.

"Sam here has to go on a date with me. And he can't complain about it."

"That's it? All I have to do is pretend to date Cas?"

"If you think you can handle it," Gabe smirks, looking smugly from Sam over to Cas.

"And what about me?" Cas shrugs, "I don't care if Sam has to date you, what am I getting out of this?" He carefully avoids Sam's disproving scowl, peeking up at Gabriel over his notebook. 

"Free coffee for a year?"

Cas just frowns at him.

"Alright, I'll talk to Kali for you, see if we can work out a meeting."

Cas pauses, waiting to see if it's a joke. Kali's Gabriel's ex-wife and he hates talking to her under any circumstances. As it happens, she's also a well-known publisher and Cas has been struggling to get in to talk to her for months. If Gabriel's serious, this could help him finally get his writing off the ground so he could stop working for Gabe and start doing what he wants to.

"You're joking," he says when Gabriel doesn't follow up his offer.

"I'm not, _but_ -" Cas and Sam both sigh in tandem and Gabriel scoffs, "oh come on, you can't expect something like that without me needing a little more from you. Don't worry, I'm not gonna make you kiss - I'm saving that for our date." He winks at Sam and Cas sighs.

"What do you want, Gabe?"

"I want you to get married."

"What?" Sam and Cas ask at once. Gabriel just rolls his eyes like they're being ridiculous.

"Not _really_. You're gonna pretend to be engaged. In fact, you're gonna announce your engagement. I don't care when or where, but everyone has to be there to hear you. You need to make it real."

"Deal," Cas agrees quickly. Sam gives him a questioning look but sighs and shrugs his agreement 

"Fine, but we're gonna win."

Gabriel snorts and kicks his feet up on the coffee table, "so says you."

\- - - - -

The day that Sam and Jo are due to arrive, Dean works a half day so he can pick them and their roommate up from the airport. He's only at the bookstore until noon, so that gives him a little while to go home and get changed and maybe eat something before he has to be there to meet them. They're supposed to be meeting friends for coffee at some point too, so maybe he doesn't have to eat, but-

"Dean!" 

His head snaps up and over to the desk where the single other employee, a kid named Kevin, is standing waving the work phone at him. Dean realizes he's still got a book in his hand, halfway through putting it on the shelf, and he pushes it between the other books and crosses over to the desk. 

"Who is it?" he asks and Kevin shrugs. Dean takes the phone from him, holding it against his ear with his shoulder. "Dean speaking."

"Hey, Dean! It's Jo, I tried to text you like six times but I guess you don't have your phone on you."

"No, we just got a shipment in so I've been busy. What's up?"

"We're just about to board the plane, but I wanted to let you know that Meg is picking us up from the airport, so you don't need to drive all the way out there after work."  


"Okay." 

"And also that brother of yours isn't gonna be coming for a few more days because whoever was supposed to be covering him at work got sick."

"Shit," Dean mutters, "he's still coming though, right?"

"Yeah, he's just coming on the 21st instead of today."

"The 21st, are you serious?"

"Sorry Dean, gotta go! Text you when we land!"

Jo hangs up before Dean has a chance to reply and he shakes his head as he replaces the receiver. Okay, well, if he doesn't have to be anywhere after work, that gives him some time to relax and chat with Charlie about their plans for the week. Sam's delay puts them a bit behind schedule but it could be worse, it just means they'll leave a little late. The original plan was to leave Kansas on the 21st and arrive at Jo's parents' lodge by Dean's birthday on the 24th - Sam will be grouchy about it because he's being an inconvenience or whatever, but Dean couldn't care less about his birthday, so long as everyone makes it there in one piece. 

He goes back to shelving books, but it's hard to focus even on such a mindless task with his vacation coming up so quickly. Plus, on top of that, he's meeting Sam's roommate for the first time tonight and he's nervous about that. The roommate and his brother are joining them on this trip and Dean doesn't so much as know their names. He knows the roommate is Meg's best friend, so going on that alone he's holding out hope that he's a good guy, but it's still nerve-wracking when you're planning to stay in a secluded lodge in the middle of an unfamiliar country with someone for a week and a half. He was hoping he’d at least have Sam as a buffer for their first meeting.

-

At noon, Dean clocks out and leaves work without mentioning to Kevin that he doesn't' strictly need to be off so early - what he doesn't know won't hurt him. When he gets home, the apartment is quiet and he pulls open all the curtains to let the sun in.

He flops down on the couch without getting changed and pulls out his phone to text Sam. 

_> > Jo says you're not gonna be here till the 21st???_

_> > I thought they already gave you the time off?_

He locks his phone and sets it on his leg, dropping his head back against the couch cushions. He's very nearly asleep when his phone buzzes, startling him back to wakefulness. 

_**< < Yeah, the kid who was supposed to cover me got sick. He's only got leave for a couple days though so we shouldn't be too far behind schedule.** _

_**< < Don't worry, we won't forget your birthday.** _

_> > Ha. Ha. I'm not worried about my birthday. Last time we tried this it didn't work out, remember?_

_**< < I promise I'll be there, I'll just be a few days late.** _

Dean sighs, dropping his phone back against his leg. He wants to believe Sam, but every time they try to get together, something seems to get in the way. Last time it was forest fires that grounded all flights in and out of Florida, the time before Dean got sick and spent the night he was supposed to be with Sam hunched over his toilet wanting to die. This time, he promised himself everything was going to go well; Jo is in charge of getting Sam to Kansas and from then on there would be five of them - now seven - to make sure everything else went smoothly. So far step one has failed and it's taking everything in him to remain positive about the rest of the trip. 

At the very least, he reminds himself, he'll get to see Jo again and it's been even longer since he's seen her than Sam, so that's a good thing. Also, regardless of how he spends it, he's got three weeks off work coming up that he can use to relax and just enjoy himself for once.

-

"Okay," Dean says, "you still wanna meet up at some point?"

"Yeah, definitely. I'll text you when we land, yeah?"

"Sure, sounds good."

"Oh, and that idiot brother of you

Jo texts a little after five to say they're heading out for dinner with Meg, but they're heading out for coffee afterward and she wants him to come so he can meet the roommate. She's been eager for Dean to meet him since they found out he was coming, but for someone so excited to introduce them, she's been suspiciously quiet about the guy. He kind of suspects she's trying to set them up; it's been a while since he's dated anyone and Jo likes to try and set him up with her friends. In her defense, it's turned out pretty well a couple of times, but lately, Dean hasn't been interested in dating anyone - anyone new, at least. Not that he's about to tell Jo he's still hung up on a summer fling from more than a year ago. 

It's pathetic, really, how much he thinks about the guy and when he considers it now, Dean makes up his mind to let Jo set him up if that's what she wants to do. Even if it's not, he'll let her next time he tries; he needs to move on and being single isn't going to do anything to help that, clearly. 

Jo told him they're meeting at seven, so Dean has a shower and finds something nice to wear before heading out. The cafe they're meeting at is only a couple of blocks away so he gets there quickly and when he arrives, Jo is outside talking on the phone. Dean approaches, smiling, but when he hears what she's saying, he stops mid-step. 

"Yeah, we got in fine, Cas is grouchy because of the flight but y'know, no surprise there."

It's a coincidence - it has to be. Cas can be short for a lot of things. Dean struggles to come up with any male names - aside from Castiel - that Cas could be short for, and it just makes him anxious. Still, there has to be more than one of them in the world, and even if the only thing it could be short for is Castiel, there's probably more than one of them, too. Maybe it's one of those names like Calvin, where you never hear of anyone in real life named that and then all of a sudden you meet three of them in a week. 

Jo is motioning him forward and Den takes a hesitant step, telling himself he's overreacting and everything will be fine. She gives him a funny look but finishes her conversation and pulls him into a warm hug. 

"Hey, Dean."

"Hey," Dean smiles. He pulls himself together, lifting Jo off her feet and ruffling her hair, "been long enough."

"Yeah, well," She says by way of explanation. "It’s good to see you again, but come on, I want you to meet Cas."

"Is that your mystery roommate?' Dean asks, feigning innocence. Jo pushes the door open and he follows her in, taking a seat at the table next to the door where Meg is already seated. There's a third person who is noticeably missing. 

Dean does a quick scan of the little coffee shop; there are two people sitting at a table on the other side and a man with dark hair up at the counter. When Jo calls out for Cas, the man turns around and Dean's stomach drops. It's been a while, sure, but Dean would know his face anywhere and despite Jo's continued chatter next to him, he can't bring himself to move or even listen to what she's saying.

He's spent the last year and a bit wondering where Cas is and what he's doing and if he even remembers him, but now that he's got those answers, he's not sure how to feel. Cas shows no sign that he remembers anything about Dean, but he smiles as he slips into the seat across from him, unaware that Dean is struggling to breathe. 

"Dean?" he asks and Dean's heart sinks a little further with the confirmation that Cas does not, in fact, remember him. 

"Yeah." Dean pulls up a fake smile, offering his hand across the table. "Cas, right?"

"Yeah. Jo's been telling me all about you. The whole flight over she wouldn't shut up."

Dean can feel the flush rising in his cheeks and he ducks his head. Fuck Jo and her attempts to set him up; sure, she means well, but now it's landed him in limbo. He doesn't know whether to act like he's into it and just hope Cas doesn't remember him somewhere along the way, or to shoot them both down right from the beginning and get on with his life. The less logical part of his brain is telling him to go with option one, but realistically that one has the most potential for disastrous fallout. 

Sure, he could just tell Jo the truth privately - she would back down and Cas wouldn't get caught up in anything one of them would regret, but that would also mean admitting he's been secretly pining over a one night stand from more than a year ago and Jo would never let him live that down. 

"Yeah, she's uh," he starts, looking over at Jo and struggling to speak through the thoughts clouding his mind, "she's something." 

"I'm great," Jo interjects and Dean lets her take over the conversation. He doesn't want to talk anyway - not about Cas at least. His thoughts are too loud and he has to keep his eyes down on his drink to keep from imagining the way Cas lips feel against his skin or the way his nose crinkles when he smiles. 

He tunes out, keeping to his thoughts - arguably, a bad idea - unless someone directly addresses him, and he's stuck between feeling like he wants to cry and like he's going to throw up. He might just do both. He's avoiding looking at Cas, but if he was paying more attention, he'd realize Cas looks just as miserable as he does, if not more when no one is looking at him.

When they start talking about Sam, Cas looks uncomfortable and Dean tries not to think about what that could mean. He tries so hard not to think about that, that it's all he can think about and every theory he comes up with is worse than the last. After a couple of minutes, Meg asks if Cas is seeing anyone, and Dean doesn't want to hear the answer to that question, so he fakes a phone call and escapes out to the street. 

Unfortunately, he doesn't get away scot free and no sooner has the door closed than Jo is grabbing his arm from behind. 

"Hey," she demands, tugging Dean to face her, "is everything okay?"

"Yeah," Dean lies, "just needed some fresh air."

"Thought you said you were getting a phone call?" her eyebrows lift skeptically and Dean shrugs. "What is going on with you? I thought you were being weird when you got here, but then you did _that_."

Dean doesn't know what to say; what _do_ you say in this situation. He thought he did quite well, really, waiting to excuse himself until it wasn't so suspicious, but apparently, Jo knows him too well. He racks his brain to come up with an excuse, but there's nothing - he's too focused on the fact that Cas is _right there_ after a year and a half and Dean can't do anything because Cas obviously doesn't recognize him and maybe he's been overthinking this whole thing all along. Maybe Cas was never into it as much as he was, and Dean's been remembering it all wrong; he was drunk for part of it, after all.

Realistically, Dean doesn't remember some of his one-night stands either, especially after so much time has passed, but he had hoped Cas was different; he'd hoped he would have made more of an impression on him. Apparently not. 

"Dean?"

"It's nothing. I just uh, I thought I recognized Cas, but I must have been thinking of someone else."

Jo frowns at him and it's clear that she doesn't fully believe him, but Dean can deal with that as long as he doesn't have to admit the truth to her.

\- - - - -

As soon as Dean and Jo are outside, Meg punches him in the arm and Cas turns to her with a frown.

"What was that for?"

"Why are you being so damn weird? Be nice. You're gonna be stuck with this guy for days whether you like him or not, so just try and get along maybe?"

Cas' frown just deepens, "what are you talking about?"

"Back there? With Dean? He's a nice guy, Cas, give him a chance before you start giving him the silent treatment."

"I wasn't," Cas argues.

"You were pretty quiet."

Cas does his very best not to sigh at her. He knows Meg has both their best interests at heart, and he knows she's friends with Dean, but she doesn't know anything else. It's not her fault he went and slept with someone two summers back and is now pretending to be engaged to his brother. _Fuck_. The engagement. This was already going to be a bitch of a trip because as far as he can tell Dean doesn't recognize him. On top of that, Cas is pretending to marry his brother so he can't exactly remind Dean about their time together and see how he feels about it. The trouble is, that's all he wants to do and now he doesn't know how to navigate any of his relationships. 

He's going to be awkward about Dean around Sam, there's no helping it. Sam has a stupidly hot brother and Cas knows exactly how he looks in the moonlight and how he smiles when he’s embarrassed. Meg won't be any better because he can't tell her the truth, and he can't get too close to Dean. But if he's standoffish, she'll notice and she'll call him out on it. Which leaves him with Jo. Jo is close enough to both of them that she'll be on Meg's side, which means he'll be totally alone with his misery. 

It wouldn't be so bad if Dean had brought someone with him. If he was dating someone, Cas would be able to accept that and move on once this trip is over and done with, but he knows Dean's single because Jo has been telling him all about him for the last few weeks. She's been doing her best to talk Dean up to him, unknowing that the second Cas realized who she was talking about, he’s already dying inside because it can't ever work. 

Cursing Gabriel, Cas shrugs his shoulders and takes a sip of his coffee, "sorry, still not feeling great after that flight." 

None of this is what he signed up for. Okay, maybe the engagement part is partially on him, but how did he know Dean was Sam's brother? It's not like he's ever met the guy. If he'd known, he never would have accepted Gabe's stupid bet; there are a lot of things he would give up for a chance to get published, but he's been thinking about Dean pretty much non-stop since they parted and he's struggling now to decide if Dean is one of those things or not.

-

On the drive back to Meg's, Cas considers his options. If he wants a chance at anything more than friendship with Dean, he has to call off the bet because he can't exactly tell Dean how he feels when Dean thinks Cas is engaged to his brother. Whether or not Dean is interested in the first place, remains to be seen, but if Cas' memory is correct, he can't imagine Dean turning down the opportunity to see what happens.

He thinks about it a lot, but by the time they get there, he's decided to leave it; having the chance to talk to Kali could make or break his chances at becoming an author and Dean is just a guy. Granted, he's one of the kindest, most beautiful guys Cas has ever met, but he's still just a guy and there are a lot more of them in the world. And what's the worst that could happen? He could end up forty and alone, but he'll still have his friends and besides, Dean doesn't remember him anyway.

\- - - - -

Dean groans as he closes the front door behind him, crossing the living room and throwing himself down on the couch. He groans into the cushions as loud as he dares with the neighbours home and mentally debates whether it's too late to call in sick to this trip. The more he thinks about it, the more he realizes he's not going to be able to push his feelings for Cas aside unless he turns out to be a total prick or something. He's so beautiful and every time he smiles Dean remembers that grin looking down at him in the dark.

It's too much. First, Sam's not going to be here on time and now this. Just for once, he'd like for one of their family get-togethers to go well, but luck doesn't seem to be on his side. He confirms that theory when Charlie walks into the room with her hair in a towel. 

"Everything okay in here?"

Dean squeezes his eyes shut and takes a deep breath. He wasn't expecting Charlie to be home tonight and now that she is, he has to come up with some sort of explanation as to why he's flopped face-first onto the couch like some sort of angry toddler. He can't tell her about Cas - he doesn't plan on telling anyone about Cas - so he needs to lie, which sucks because he hates lying to Charlie, but right now he needs to save himself the anxiety of someone else knowing what a fucking moron he is. 

"'S good," he mumbles, hoping that's enough for her. It's not, as per usual.

"Is that why you're half-dead on the couch?" Dean just groans even louder and Charlie comes and plops herself down on the couch, lifting his head into her lap and he turns to look up at her. "Something about the trip?"

"Yeah. No. Well, sorta. It's Sam's fucking roommate."

"Mmhm?"

"Charlie, he's beautiful."

She chuckles, shifting under him to kick her feet up on the coffee table. "Tell me about him."

He does. Relieved to have something to say that he doesn't have to make up on the spot, Dean explains Cas to her; he tells her every little thing he can remember about him, everything he wished he'd had someone to talk to about the first time he met him. He glosses over the way Cas makes him feel - the overwhelming feeling of joy that he gets just from being near him, the way Cas made him comfortable from the first second they met. Charlie listens, humming along and nodding her head. 

"I just-" Dean sighs, "I know it's stupid but I feel like he's different you know? Even after a couple hours he seems _different_. Important." It's only a half-lie; it may not be the first time they've met, but it's exactly how he felt the first time around - like Cas was meant to be more to him than just some one-night stand. 

"When do I get to meet Mr. Dreamy?"

Dean huffs a humourless laugh, "well, he's coming with us so you'll probably meet him sometime this week."

"You don't sound very enthusiastic."

"It's just weird because he's Sam's roommate y'know? I feel like I'd be intruding almost."

"I'm sure Sam wouldn't care."

"Yeah, I guess. I don't know. I think I'm just gonna head to bed for now, think about it in the morning." He pushes himself off Charlie's lap and stands up. "Maybe I'll talk to Sam about it, I dunno. See how things go."

"Meaning keep my mouth shut," Charlie grins, and Dean shakes his head, smiling softly at her. 

"If you don't mind?"

"My lips are sealed. You heading to bed?"

"I think so. Gotta get up early, Kevin switched me so I can work early shifts until we leave."

"Alright, see you in the morning then. Night, Dean."

"Goodnight."

Dean pulls his phone from his pocket as he heads to his room, meaning to text Sam and try and subtly pry more information out of him about Cas, but there's a new message from Meg that distracts him. 

_**< < Jo and I are making dinner for everyone tomorrow, you better show up. Bring Charlie.** _

_> > I work till 4 and I'll come over. I'll bring Charlie._

_> > And beer._


	2. Chapter 2

Dean has bribed Kevin so that he can work all early shifts until they leave for Vancouver, which is great because he's off early and can get things done after work. But it also means he has to wake up at the crack of dawn to get ready for work which is less great. Today, he's managed to make it three-quarters of the way through his shift before the exhaustion of working in the morning and preparing in the evening hits him and he has to sneak out to get coffee. Kevin scowls at him through the door until he's out of the parking lot, but Dean always brings him a drink and a snack to make up for dumping him with the store for half an hour. 

When he gets back, he pulls up a couple of stools behind the register and he convinces Kevin to sit and eat donuts with him instead of stocking shelves. It's just after Christmas, so the store is dead anyway, and there's so little to do that they both don't really need to be here in the first place, but here they are so they might as well enjoy themselves. 

"So," Kevin asks through a mouthful of donut, "you leave on the twenty-first?"

"Hopefully," Dean mumbles, "if Sam manages to get here in time."

"So how many of you are going? Can't you just go ahead and let Sam catch up?"

"Um, a bunch of us," Dean squints one eye, counting out everyone in his head, "seven of us, I think? Jo's bringing their roommate and his brother because she wants me to meet him."

"Another prospective boyfriend?"

"Mmhm." The idea of Jo setting him up has always been more of a running joke for the two of them, but this time it kind of stings. 

"Any hope for this one?" 

"Not likely."

"Too bad."

Dean frowns and turns to face Kevin. "What's that supposed to mean?"

Kevin shrugs, "you're always complaining about how boring it is here, maybe if you were dating someone for once you wouldn't be so bored." Dean whacks him with the stack of coupons sitting next to the till.

"Shut up."

\- - - - -

From an outside perspective, having everyone over to dinner at Meg's is a great idea; it gives them all a chance to get to know each other - and potentially back out - before spending (10) days together in a secluded cabin. From Cas' point of view, being in the know about the bet and his fling with his supposedly soon-to-be brother-in-law, it's a terrible idea.

The worst part is that Meg was there with them that night, the night he and Dean ended up stumbling drunkenly back to his apartment and spent the rest of the night fucking on every surface they could find. She knows Dean now, on her own accord, because they worked together and she's never mentioned him to Cas so he assumes she doesn't remember meeting him before. They were all drunk, and she wasn't the one spending the night with him, so to her, he was probably just another friendly guy at the bar. 

The problem now is that they're both going to be in the same place for an extended period of time, and as far as everyone else knows, Dean and Cas are perfect strangers who only met for the first time yesterday. If Meg remembers him, everything is out the window before Sam even gets to Kansas. Already, she's mentioned once or twice in her explanations of her relationship with Dean, that he always seemed kind of familiar, but she can't place from where. Cas hopes to God she never figures it out. At least not until everyone is safe and sound back in their own states. 

Cas is standing at the counter, slicing cheeses and meats for the appetizer platters and he can't quite focus on both his task and the thoughts circling through his head. More than once Meg has come and had to remind him that everyone is showing up in the next ten minutes or so and if he could get to work it would be much appreciated. Unfortunately, Cas has to make a decision relatively soon as to whether he wants to tell Meg the truth about who Dean is or keep it to himself and hope for the best. 

Both plans have fatal flaws. If he tells her, he knows what she's going to say and he doesn't want to hear it. Meg is the only person he's ever talked to about Dean, albeit not by name, and she knows how he felt that night and how he still feels about Dean, how badly he's wanted to find him all these months. If she finds out who he is, there's no way she's not going to demand an explanation as to why Cas is suddenly engaged to his brother and that is going to go over terribly. The other option involves hoping Meg's memory is worse than his, and his poor heart can't stand that kind of anxiety. 

Either way, Cas is well and truly fucked. 

This would have been so much easier if Gabriel just hadn't gotten involved. He could live with Dean not recognizing him if there was the opportunity to get to know him all over again - if Jo's knowledge is reliable, Dean is single and Cas would be more than willing to fill the empty spot in his life. The only problem would be the fact that Cas does remember that night, and he'd have to somehow remind Dean without making it uncomfortable for both of them. Luckily, or not, he won't have to deal with that problem. 

"Hey! Slowpoke," Meg calls, peeking her head around the kitchen door, "what's taking so long?"

"Sorry," Cas mumbles. "Distracted."

-

Dinner goes over better than anyone could have hoped for. Once Cas gets a couple of glasses of wine into him, he forgets that he's supposed to be distancing himself from Dean, and they hole themselves up in the living room watching a Doctor Who marathon on the sci-fi channel. The wine doesn't help the constant feeling of anxiety that at any moment Meg will pull him to one side and demand an explanation as to why Cas is hiding things from her.

When she comes into the room, he nearly jumps out of his seat, but she just looks at Dean and back at him before smirking and heading back into the dining room without a word. Cas' heartbeat doesn't settle again until he hears Meg's voice floating back from the other room. He grabs the bottle of wine from the table and takes a swig without bothering with a glass; if he doesn't tell Meg the truth, he doesn't know how he's going to survive this trip.

Fortunately, his thoughts are interrupted, when Dean reaches for the bottle at the same time as him and their fingers brush together.

"I-" Dean starts, but his voice falters and Cas doesn't trust himself to speak in case he says something stupid. He retracts his hand and gestures for Dean to take the bottle, sinking back into his corner of the couch as his heart thuds against his chest. 

This is stupid, he reminds himself, all Dean is to him is a pretty face - and an incredibly hot body, and a wonderful personality, but still. At this point, Dean is no different than a hot guy walking past on the street. Only then he turns and gives him this apologetic little smile and Cas very nearly forgets that he's supposed to be building up this relationship with Sam. All he wants to do is lean across the couch and kiss him, to feel the soft press of Dean's lips on his own. Cas shuts his eyes, half-remembering, half-imagining the sensation until a knock on the wall interrupts. 

He and Dean look up at once to find Charlie leaning into the living room. 

"Dean, we should get going. It's getting late and we both have to work in the morning."

If Cas wasn't so focused on Charlie, he'd notice the little disappointed look Dean gives her as he looks between her and Cas, struggling to make a decision. After a minute, Dean sighs and pushes himself up off the couch, clapping Cas on the shoulder as he passes. 

"Alright, well, thanks for everything Cas. Guess we'll see you in a couple of days?"

"I expect we'll see you before then," Cas smiles up at him. He doesn't miss the way Charlie wrinkles her nose at the two of them before Dean gives her a pointed look and she slips around the corner. Dean claps a hand on his shoulder and Cas looks up at him. 

"G'night, buddy."

_Buddy? Really?_ Cas frowns to himself as he watches Dean disappear through the dining room door and slumps back against the couch. Maybe this isn't going as well as he thought.

\- - - - -

They're barely outside - Dean's pretty sure if any one of them looked out the window, they'd still be able to see him and Charlie down on the street - when she punches him in the arm excitedly.

"So?" she says like she's expecting Dean to tell her some sort of story. He knows what she wants; he's been complaining about how perfect Cas is and now that she's met him, she expects to know what's going on. Well, she's going to be disappointed. 

"So?" He repeats, feigning innocence. 

"Cas, Dean. Tell me about Cas."

"There's nothing to tell."

"That's not true at all. I saw the way he kept looking over at you all night and I know you know he was because you only looked up from your plate when you knew he wasn't looking." 

Dean peers down the end of the street, praying that the cab will pull up and save him from the conversation, but no such luck. He knows if Cas was looking at him all night - he was - that it's only because he probably thinks Dean looks familiar, and he's probably trying to figure out if they know each other from somewhere. He doesn't mention the wine incident. It was nothing anyway; Cas pulled away far too quickly for Dean to read anything into it. 

Dean realizes Charlie's still talking to him and he pauses, turning to face her. "Sorry, what?"

"I still think you should go for it."

"Not gonna happen."

"Why?"

"Um, I dunno, because he's Sam's roommate and it would be weird."

"Jo doesn't seem to think so."

"And all of Jo's plans are always totally sound, right?"

"Well, no, but-"

"Charlie," Dean sighs, "there's nothing there. You're imagining it. Jo tried to set me up again and it failed, let's just leave it and enjoy our vacation."

She frowns, clearly disbelieving. The cab pulls up a few seconds later and Dean moves to get in, but Charlie stops him. "Jo has never failed to find you someone great," she insists, "just give it a chance."

"Everyone I meet through Jo turns out to be a quick fuck and then I never see them again."

"Then enjoy him while you can." She winks at him and disappears around the other side of the car, clearly ignoring the way Dean mutters after her. "I like him," she adds more sincerely as Dean slips into the seat next to her. 

"Me too, but it's not like that."

"Fine," Charlie sighs, "but if I hear from Jo that you're lying to me I'll never forgive you."

-

Dean's got plans for the following afternoon. Well, not plans per se, more of a lack of plans, but he's excited at the idea of doing absolutely nothing at all and nothing is going to ruin his good mood. Nothing except the look he gets when he walks into his apartment after work and beelines for his favourite spot on the couch. It's not judgment so much as it is expectation like Charlie's waiting for him to realize something he doesn't actually know.

"Can I help?" he asks.

"You could get off your ass and find something to wear."

"And why would I do that?"

"We're going out."

"With?"

"Meg and Jo." She smiles innocently, turning away. "Cas."

"Mmhm, and if I say no?"

Charlie just turns back and gives him a look. He wants to say no; there's only so much time he can get away with not being around Cas before they're trapped together without any means of escape. Dean wants to savour his time left to live peacefully, he doesn't want to end it prematurely. 

"Fine," he says and he hates himself as he says it, but despite the words coming out unintended, he knows why he's doing it. As he slumps to his bedroom, Dean pretends not to see the look of triumph on Charlie's face. Later, he'll have to face up to the pathetic fight he just put up, but for now, he settles for giving in to his pathetic, spineless self and finding the nicest thing he can pull out of his closet to impress Cas. 

He's a pushover and an idiot, and apparently, he can be swayed very easily by a pretty face, but Dean still knows how to impress someone if he's trying. He picks out a pair of dark jeans and his favourite flannel under a leather jacket, and when he checks himself out in the mirror, even he can't deny that he looks good. He even spends a few minutes on his hair, which he ends up regretting, because when he walks into the living room, Cas is standing by the window with Charlie, and Dean stops dead in the middle of the living room. 

Cas turns instinctively and he pauses when he sees Dean, breathing in so sharply that it's noticeable. Dean can't tear his eyes away from him, but he doesn't miss the way Charlie rolls her eyes - at both of them. He doesn't really care what Charlie thinks right now because the outfit worked exactly how he wanted it to; Cas thinks he looks damn good and that's all he could ask for. Even as they make their way out of the apartment, Dean can barely bring himself to care as Charlie leans in next to him and mutters a quiet, "really, Dean? You're not interested?"

Dean ignores the jab and they make their way down to the parking lot. Cas is parked close by and Charlie subtly slips into the backseat, much to Dean's reserved delight; he takes the front seat hesitantly though the way his heart is pounding against his chest, you'd think he was on his first date ever. The idea of going on a date with Cas makes his heart leap into his throat, and if he doesn't get this under control ASAP, the rest of the day is going to be a nightmare. 

"So, fair warning the girls want to see something called Bridesmaids, and it's absolutely awful, so if either of you want to sneak out at any point, I won't mention it." Cas flashes a small smile in Dean's direction before turning back to the road. If he was thinking clearly, Dean would tuck and roll right there, but he's a sucker for a pretty face and Cas is the prettiest of them all. So he stays put and he looks forward to this terrible movie because maybe he can sit next to him and maybe they'll spend the movie talking instead of watching it and maybe- 

His thoughts get cut off as they stop abruptly and Cas shouts at the car in front of them. Dean shuts his eyes, thinking to himself and sighs internally. He'd forgotten how bad Cas' road rage can get, and they've only driven together once before, but that had been a disaster Dean wouldn't soon forget; if he's honest, it was one of his favourite moments with him, when Cas, who is usually so peaceful, lost his absolute mind in the traffic driving down to Miami Beach. Cas hadn't even wanted to go, it had been Dean's insistence that took them down there, and after half an hour Dean had relented and admitted he made a mistake. 

He's still thinking about it as they pull into the parking lot and Cas finds the one open spot in the entire place. Right now, Dean would give anything to go back to that summer, to be free to fall in love with Cas on his own terms, to not have to worry about whether Cas remembers him or what their friends might think. 

Dean climbs out of the car, straightening his jacket and reminding himself how to act casual; so far, other than every single thought that's run through his head, he hasn't been doing too badly keeping himself together, but being stuck in a dark room with Cas, regardless of who else is around, seems like a terrible idea. 

Meg has saved seats for them right at the front of the theatre, but Cas plops into a seat halfway down and gestures for Dean to join him. He does too much eye-rolling from Charlie, but she's graceful enough not to say anything and Dean loves her for it. 

As it turns out, all of them were right: the movie is _terrible_ ; being alone with Cas in this theatre was the worst thing Dean could have done to himself tonight; and he is definitely still interested in Cas, whatever he might tell Charlie. They get themselves popcorn and drinks, but nothing distracts from the fact that they're watching a movie with a script written by a child. Cas manages to make it through forty-five minutes before he leans in, looking up at Dean and Dean's breath catches because even in the dark he can make out the outline of Cas' lips and all he can think about is kissing him. 

"You wanna get out of here?" Cas asks and Dean's sent back in time to the bar where they met, tucked away into a little corner while Cas' friends search for them. The same line echoes in his head, only that night ended with whiskey in bed and Dean suspects that's not what Cas has in store for them tonight. Still, he nods enthusiastically and Cas beams at him, quick to shuffle him out of his seat and up the aisle to the main lobby. 

"Thank you," he says as soon as they pass through the theatre door, "I didn't think we'd make it through much more of that."

"It was terrible, right?"

"Awful," Cas smiles, "next time we don't let Meg pick the movie."

"Deal." There's a brief moment of silence and Cas' eyes flick down and back up to Dean's, though there's something like sadness in them and Dean is quick to turn away. "So. What do you want to do with our newfound freedom?"

"I dunno, show me around?"

Every instinct is screaming for them to turn back around right now or to take Cas home before Dean can do something stupid like kissing him. Dean may remember, but being spontaneously kissed by some dude you think you just met probably won't go over very well. Unfortunately for Dean's sanity, he's never been one to make good decisions, so he throws his scarf around his neck and shrugs, heading out into the street with Cas in tow. 

"So," Cas starts, a little uncertain, "have you always lived in Kansas?"

"Uh yeah, born and raised here in Lawrence. Sam got out, traveled around for a while or whatever, but I never had any... I dunno. I was happy here."

"Are you still?" Cas looks up at him with those stupid blue eyes and his windblown hair and Dean forgets for a moment that he's supposed to be answering a question because how the _hell_ did he ever let Cas get away. How did he not fight tooth and nail to get in touch with him after they lost contact - maybe sooner than eighteen months later. His heart flip-flops and he wants to ask Cas if he remembers, the words are on the tip of his tongue, but he can't bring himself to say it. He remembers belatedly, that he's supposed to be talking and clears his throat, pushing away all thoughts of how beautiful Cas is with his stupid red cheeks. 

"Yeah, for the most part." 

Cas looks like he wants to comment, but he keeps quiet and Dean wishes he wouldn't. He wants to know what Cas is thinking and more than anything, he wants to be able to clear the air between them, to tell Cas he remembers him and remind him if he doesn't. 

They don't have a lot of time left before the others come looking for them, but they find a little bakery and Cas buys them mini pies and hot chocolate and they sit outside despite the wind, keeping an eye out for their friends. Cas talks about the trip and about living with Sam and Jo, and Dean hangs on his every word, eager for anything Cas offers. He'd forgotten how easy it is just to be with Cas, how after only a few minutes, he can captivate you and then that's it, you're lost. Or maybe that's just him; maybe Dean's just completely taken with Cas to the point where he can't think of anything else - he likes to think it's just an effect Cas has on people, but it's hard to believe. 

After Dean catches himself staring at Cas' mouth for the fourth time, he checks his watch. There's only fifteen minutes or so left in the movie, so they either have to get back to their friends now or Dean's going to have to admit to Charlie that he snuck off with Cas to spend some time alone and she's going to have a field day with that. His plan is to go back and sneak back in, but when he tells Cas the time, Cas has a different plan. 

"Why don't we pick up dinner and take it back to everyone?"

"You mean so they forgive us for skipping out on them?" Dean asks and Cas grins.

"Exactly."

Dean should take this golden opportunity to say no, to make an excuse and get himself home where he can't do any further damage because really, that's what he's doing. Cas doesn't remember him, he's just trying to get to know him because he's his roommate's brother, and Dean is falling headfirst into something he should stay out of. On the other hand, he can be friendly too, and if something happens to come from that, well it's not his fault. Not solely. The reminding Cas about the first time they met might be a bit tricky, but he'll figure it out. 

God, he's so damn conflicted when it comes to Cas. If Cas could just up and admit he remembers him, that would be great, or if Dean could work up the courage to ask if Cas remembers him, even if he says no, at least he would have a starting point. Right now he's stuck somewhere in the middle, wishing desperately that he could figure out where he stands so that he could decide what to do with himself. 

For now, he decides, he'll just keep it neutral and see where things go. 

"Alright," he agrees, "I think I saw a diner down the road, wanna pick up burgers and head back?"

"Sounds good."

They only manage to make it a few steps before Dean catches himself staring again and has to correct himself. Cas, however, if oblivious, chatting away about whatever. Dean's only half paying attention until Cas half-turns back to him.

"Do you remem-" he stops himself, scanning Dean's face quickly before rolling his lips and looking away. "Nevermind."

Likely, it was just a thought that wasn't supposed to come out, something about someone else, but it sounded like he was about to ask if Dean remembered something, and Dean remembers a lot of things - some he suspected Cas didn't. Now he's not so sure. 

Cas shuts up after that, and Dean's too preoccupied trying to piece together everything they've talked about to figure out if Cas has let anything else slip that Dean just missed. When they reach the diner, the silence is bordering on uncomfortable and they awkwardly place their order, each putting in for their absent friends. The kid behind the counter gives them an odd look when he thinks they're not watching and Dean suspects they look something like a couple who have recently broken up trying to remember how to be together for the sake of someone else. 

And maybe that's what it is. Dean doesn't know how to be with Cas because this Cas is different; he doesn't know him like he used to. 

Their order takes just a few minutes and they walk back to the theatre in silence, though notably more comfortable than before. When they get back to the theatre everyone else is standing outside and when they spot Dean and Cas heading toward them, there's a collective sigh, something like relief but heavily tinged with exasperation. The only thing Dean registers before Cas announces that they have dinner is that Meg and Charlie are both wearing identical expressions of disbelief.

-

When they arrive back at the apartment, Charlie gives the other a quick tour while Dean gets plates and drinks for everyone and sets them out on the counter with the food. In the background, he can hear Cas commenting on the Lord of the Rings posters in the living room and pride swells within Dean because those are _his_ ; he won the (opportunity) to put them up in a game of Mario Kart - Charlie's Harry Potter posters now live in the hallway and her bedroom.

As they round the corner into the kitchen, Charlie flashes Dean a hopeful smile and mouths _I like him_ over Cas' shoulder. _Same_ , Dean thinks bitterly, doing his best not to show it outwardly. He finishes getting everything ready and takes his plate to go and sits down on the couch next to Jo, setting his plate and wine glass down on the side table. 

"You and Cas seem to be getting along," Jo grins. 

"Yeah, I see you've got Charlie on board with your plan."

"Not intentionally. That was just luck on my part, and the fact that you two would be perfect together."

"He's great, don't get me wrong, but I don't see it happening. Not the way you want it to."

"Alright fine," Jo bumps her head against Dean's shoulder, "but don't count him out just because you want to prove me wrong." She gets up, patting Dean's thigh as he makes for the kitchen to get her own dinner. 

She comes back with Meg and the two of them sit and watch TV while Dean wracks his brain as to what is keeping Charlie and Cas. He thinks of everything they could possibly be doing, and by the time they do reappear, only a few minutes later, he's convinced himself that Charlie has told Cas everything, despite not knowing herself. He watches them walk into the living room and Cas crosses in front of him, smiling softly as he sits down in the chair next to Dean. 

"You have a beautiful home," he says quietly and Dean's whole body reacts positively, the grin that spreads across his face bashful and unintentional. There's no reason for him to say something like that; Dean's home is not beautiful, it's just an apartment - one he shares, at that, but Cas has a way of saying things that makes them seem genuine even if they're known not to be. Cas is kind and soft and caring, and when he smiles, Dean has a difficult time looking away. 

"It's okay," is all he manages in response, but that seems fine with Cas and he turns back to his food and the TV. Dean follows suit, pressing himself into the corner when he's finished eating and remaining there for the rest of the evening. 

After everyone is gone, Dean sends Charlie to bed and tidies up the kitchen and living room himself. He tells her it's because he's awake, but really he likes having time to himself so he can think about things when there's no one else around. Tonight, despite being as good as it's been, he's found himself wanting to kiss Cas no less than twenty times and yet he still can't bring himself to ask if he remembers him.


	3. Chapter 3

Sam is supposed to arrive on the 21st and that's what everyone is planning for. Gabriel was supposed to be coming with him, but since Sam delayed, Gabe hasn't shown up. Until this morning. Cas is still asleep when the front door swings open and Gabe's voice echoes through the living room. He tries to avoid him, but to no avail; Gabe flops down on the pull-out next to him and smiles at him. 

"Good morning, Cassie."

"What's good about it?" he grumbles. 

"Your favourite brother is here!"

"Gabriel, you're my only brother, and I'd rather be sleeping."

"Rude," Gabe says. 

Cas just gives him a look and rolls out of bed, pulling his sheet with him as he heads down the hall to Meg's room. There's no way in hell Gabriel will disturb him here. Meg's half-awake when Cas creeps into the room and he shuts the door carefully, not bothering to turn the lock because he knows Gabe won't risk disturbing Meg - he'd made that mistake once before and lived to regret it. Cas climbs up next to her, tugging his blanket up over himself and he fits himself up against her back, resting his forehead against his shoulder. 

"Gabe is here," he complains and Meg groans back just as loud. 

"I thought he was coming with Sam."

"So did I," Cas huffs. He grumbles to himself because with the whole Dean being Dean thing, he was hoping he could spend as much time as he could with only Jo, but now that Gabe is here, everything will change. Cas has been letting himself feel more than he should; he hasn't been holding back from Dean the way he should be, but with Gabe here, he won't be able to get away with that anymore. With Gabriel anywhere nearby, he risks being called out for getting too close because if he was really dating Sam, he'd never let him do half the things he's been thinking about with Dean. Hell, feeling the way he does now, he wouldn't trust himself to be alone with Dean at all.

Which probably means he shouldn't let himself be alone with Dean - even now. 

"What are the chances we send him somewhere else to stay? Just until we leave?" Cas asks. 

"Unlikely," Meg huffs, "don't worry about it though, you can sleep in here until we leave so you don't have to share with him."

"Thank god," Cas mumbles, "I don't want to be woken up this early every damn morning."

Meg just huffs a laugh and presses her face back into the pillow. It's early, so neither of them has to be up any time soon and Cas follows her lead, shutting his eyes and settling in next to her. 

When Cas wakes up again it's after ten and he's alone in the bedroom. He stumbles out into the kitchen, ignoring everyone in favour of getting himself a coffee and something to eat; there is already coffee in the pot, so he makes for the fridge, pulling out a tub of yogurt and giving Meg a look to see if she cares if he eats it. She just rolls her eyes at him, so Cas assumes that means yes and takes the yogurt and coffee to go and sit on the couch with Jo.

She's in a similar state of unconsciousness and when Cas leans on the arm of the couch she flops over onto him, mumbling about how Meg said she had to get up before eleven o'clock. Cas huffs a laugh and sips his coffee, looking up as Gabe strolls into the room. Cas is much more open to the idea of living with Gabriel for three days now that he's got coffee and he's a little more awake, and when he comes to sit next to them, Cas gives him an apologetic smile. 

"So I was thinking dinner tonight?" he suggests, "Meg's been telling me all about Dean and I desperately want to meet him." 

_Fuck_. 

Gabriel nudges his shoulder and Cas regrets ever being enthusiastic about Gabe coming to stay, however momentarily it may have been. He opens his mouth to argue, but Jo interrupts, agreeing that it's a great idea, and Cas immediately makes up his mind to stay home tonight. Maybe he'll fake being sick half an hour before they leave and they won't question him hanging back in his room all night. 

As per usual, everything falls through at the last second and Cas, absolute moron that he is, decides to go so he can see Dean. There's no harm in it, he tells himself; no one knows he's going to see Dean and even if they did people are allowed to be friends - he can want to see Dean as a friend. There's no question that they're getting along and no one knows about the engagement yet so it should be fine. It _will_ be fine as long as Gabriel keeps his big mouth shut, though Cas and Dean spending time together only strengthens his chance of winning, so he can't imagine Gabe being particularly upset about it. Everything will be fine. 

Three hours later, everything is not fine. If it could be less fine than this, Cas, and his whole damn family, would probably be dead. As if having Gabriel around to meddle isn't bad enough, apparently Jo has gotten in on it too and thinks that setting him up with Dean is the best idea she's ever had. If Cas was less stressed and not pretending to be dating Dean's _brother_ , he would tell her that yes, she's right, this is the very best idea she's ever had, but after spending the night toeing the line between not offending Dean slash and making it abundantly clear to Jo that he _can't date Dean_ \- as much as he wants to. 

God, they haven't even left Kansas and already this stupid bet is biting him in the ass.

\- - - - -

Sam is supposed to arrive the following morning and for the first time, Dean is hoping he doesn't. Navigating this not-thing with Cas is emotionally exhausting and last night Jo drank too much and decided that telling Cas he should date him was a good idea. Jesus fucking christ. Yeah Jo, great plan; oh no wait, we already tried that once and Cas fucking forgot who I am. He scrubs his hands over his face and flops down on the couch. Everything is already packed for their trip and they're supposed to be staying at Meg's tonight so they can just leave first thing in the morning and not have to waste any time organizing everyone when they're all half asleep.

With how he's feeling now, Dean's hoping Sam never arrives and they have to cancel the trip because being this close to Cas the whole time is going to fucking kill him. And it wouldn't be so bad if Cas wasn't so fucking _nice_ about everything and if he didn't fucking smile every time Dean looks at him or laugh at all of his dumb jokes that would have Sam leaving the room. It wouldn't be so bad if they were starting from scratch again, but Dean remembers everything and Cas is in the dark and that's no way to try and start a relationship with someone. 

Even the thought of being friends with him is uncomfortable because he ends up going back to those two options again and one of them still requires telling Cas he remembers and having to hear Cas admit he doesn't. He probably couldn't make it through that. 

His phone buzzes in his lap, a thankful distraction from his thoughts, but when he looks down at the sender, it's Sam and he sighs to himself 

**_< < Tomorrow, I promise. _ **

Dean doesn't even look at the messages that come before it because he knows what it says; Sam's delaying again. His instant reaction is to be disappointed but Sam not showing up means Dean can delay being stuck in a small space with Cas for a little while longer. 

At least that's what he thought it meant; Charlie shows up five minutes later to correct him and tell him that yes she knows Sam's not going to be here and yes, they're still going to Meg's tonight anyway. Dean can't catch a goddamn break. He agrees to go only because trying to explain exactly why he's not going will be more awkward than going, but he's not happy about it.

As soon as they get to Meg's, Charlie ditches him with Cas in the living room, winking as she slips around the corner to go and find Meg and Jo. Dean could strangle her. 

"What's his excuse this time?" Cas asks and Dean shrugs, pulling out his phone and plopping down on the couch opposite him.

"Dunno didn't even read the messages. I was actually just gonna text him and find out what's up." It's partially true; he _was_ going to text Sam, but mostly he was doing it as an excuse not to have to look at or talk to Cas. Obviously, that's gone out the window now, but he may as well find out what's up with Sam. 

He shoots off a quick text asking what happened to delay him again and then sits in dead silence because neither one of them speaks. Dean can't figure out if the silence is good or bad; considering last night he's leaning toward the latter, but he and Cas were okay when they left last night and even if Dean has been dwelling on everything that's happened, Cas won't have been. In theory, everything should be fine between them - Dean's minor devastation notwithstanding - despite Jo and Gabriel's meddling but still they don't speak. 

Even if Cas never wants anything from him, it would be easier to deal with without all this not knowing in the way, but Dean's thought up every possible way to ask Cas if he remembers spending a week with him back in Florida and every new alternative is worse than the last. He's considering just asking straight up and staying back in Kansas if things go badly, but then his phone buzzes and Sam's name pops up on the screen. 

**_< < Flight cancelled. Something to do with the engine. _ ** __

_> > Uh-huh. _

_> > When will you be here?_

_**< < Tomorrow morning, I swear. I'm catching the bus.** _

_> > Unless it catches on fire. _

_> > Or gets a flat._

_> > Or you miss it._

_**< < Shut up jerk. I'll be there. ** _

_> > Fine._

_> > Bitch. _

"Sam?" comes a voice from over his head, and Dean looks up to find Jo leaning over him. 

"Yeah. Says the flight was canceled but he'll be here tomorrow morning for sure." Jo rolls her eyes and Dean chuckles, turning back to his phone. "That's what I said too."

"Yeah, well, he better be. He owes me a drink because he promised he'd get here on time this time."

"At this point," Cas pipes up, "he owes all of us a drink."

With Jo in the room, Dean's able to relax a bit and the three of them end up sitting around and watching trash TV and game shows because there's nothing else on and everyone else is packing. Dean's still not convinced that anyone needs to be packed for tomorrow but he doesn't bother to tell them that because they seem to be having a good time. 

At six, Dean orders them all pizza because no one was planning on cooking tonight and none of them want to leave the house. After dinner, Gabe heads out to meet up with friends he wasn't expecting to see - the one advantage of Sam being unable to keep a date, he says - and Jo gets sick of _stewing in sexual tension_ and goes to help Meg and Charlie with whatever they're doing now. 

It's a little uncomfortable - more obviously so than usual - after Jo's sexual tension comment, but Cas seems to have a solution to every awkward moment and this time, it's wine and terrible sci-fi movies. It's something they talked about before and one of the first things that attracted Dean to him - their joint love of terrible movies and Dean can't help but shift a little closer on the couch, taking up Jo's spot as he thinks back. If Cas minds, he doesn't say anything, but he definitely notices when Dean slips closer if the faint grin on his face is anything to go by. 

They make it through a bottle and a half of wine before Cas passes out on his shoulder and Dean is struggling internally with himself because all he wants to do is curl up with him, but he doesn't want to take advantage. He stretches out, grabbing the remaining bottle of wine without jostling Cas, and drinking the majority of it in one swig. If he's gonna be stuck under Cas' body he'd rather be unconscious. 

Apparently, he's successful, because the next thing he knows he's being shaken lightly and when he opens his eyes, wincing against the light in the room, he realizes Cas is lying between his legs with his head on Dean's stomach. He shifts slightly in his sleep, grumbling unintelligibly and Dean moves without thinking, running his fingers through Cas' hair and smiling down at him. It's only then that Dean realizes they’re not alone when Gabe chuckles smugly above him. 

Dean fumbles to correct himself, inadvertently pushing Cas off of him and waking him up in the process; Dean didn't think anyone could be more put out by being woken up like this, but the look on Cas' face when he turns to Gabriel could kill a person. 

"What are you doing?" he rumbles and Dean's pretty sure he's going for threatening, but he looks more like a grumpy teddy bear with his hair sticking up all over the place and it makes Dean's heart hurt. 

"Calm down, grumpy. Sam texted, he's gonna be at the bus station in an hour and someone needs to pick him up."

"And that means me?" Cas asks. 

"I was actually trying to get Dean," Gabe starts, a smirk spreading across his face, "but since you two come as a package deal, sure, why not."

It's Dean's turn to scowl at him, but Gabe's smirk remains firmly in place, turned toward his brother who seems less than impressed with him. Dean gets the feeling that there's something he's missing, but he doesn't ask and Gabe doesn't back down. 

"Alright well," Dean grumbles, untangling himself from Cas as innocuously as he can and pushing himself up off the couch, "I'm gonna pick up Sam. Cas if you wanna come I'll buy you coffee." At that, Cas is quick to get up and follow after him, both of them pointedly ignoring Gabe as he flops onto the couch in their place. 

Dean can't stop his brain as he grabs his jacket and keys from the front hall and tries to figure out what inspired him to invite Cas along, other than maybe saving him from whatever Gabe would have done had he left him. He doesn't know what to say now though because it's a half-hour drive to the bus station and it's just him and Cas in the car. With any luck, Cas will be too grumpy pre-coffee to have anything to say. 

For a few minutes, everything is okay because they both get into the car and Cas seems content to just listen to the radio and Dean is left alone with his thoughts. Once they get coffee and breakfast though, he pipes up. 

"Sorry about Gabe," he mumbles, "he's part of Jo's _find Cas a boyfriend_ campaign." Dean snorts, nearly spitting his coffee all over the steering wheel and Cas even cracks a smile as he looks over at him. "I'm sorry you got dragged into that, by the way."

"I don't think I was the one who got dragged into it, she's been bugging me forever."

"And yet, here you are."

"Yup. Jo's dates never turn into anything, but now that she's got two of us we're obviously meant to be together." He's trying for sarcastic, but bitterness bleeds into his words and he takes a sip of his coffee to play it off as exhaustion. 

Cas launches into an explanation of his past experience with Jo setting him up and Dean falls quiet and listens to him. Cas is animated and happy, chatting away and humming along to the songs on the radio - as soon as they meet up with Sam that stops. 

Dean doesn't notice it immediately, but where Cas has been jokey and casual about Sam in the past days, he's now quiet and unenthusiastic where Dean is excited. He's quieter now and Dean wants to believe it's because they're not alone now, that Cas is quiet because he's reading into this just as much as Dean is and maybe there is something here that he just doesn't want Sam to know about. Not likely, but Dean can dream. 

All the way back to Meg's, Cas says maybe six words, none of which are directed at either of them in particular. He doesn't seem angry or upset, but even after Dean's dropped him off, he can't help thinking that maybe he said something wrong and that this doesn't have anything to do with Sam at all. He and Sam pick up dinner on the way home but when they get there, Charlie is notably absent so they sit and watch TV and eat alone until she gets home. 

Dean feels bad because he should be excited that Sam's here - he is, really, it's been years after all - but he can't shake the feeling that he did something wrong or worse, maybe Cas remembered him and now he's pissed that Dean's pretending not to remember him. _Fuck_. He really needs to drop this shit before someone notices he's being weird as shit. 

Charlie gets home just before nine and at that point Dean's exhausted so he heads straight to bed; tomorrow he has to pack and hopefully if he sleeps on it, he'll feel better in the morning.

-

By the time he gets to packing the following day, Dean's worked himself up even more. He's managed to convince himself not only that Cas is pissed at him, but also that Sam is because Dean's been quiet and awkward since he arrived. He's locked himself in his room to pack, listening to music to try and distract himself from his thoughts but it's not working very well. After a little while, Charlie peeks her head in to see how things are going. Dean just groans at her.

"That good, huh?" Dean just shrugs and Charlie comes to sit on the edge of his bed. "What's been up with you lately? You've been having these bizarre mood swings and just when everything seemed to be going okay with Sam and everything, you've been miserable again."

"S'nothing."

"Yeah, I don't believe that. You've been so excited about seeing Sam and now that he's here it's like you barely care."

"That's not true," Dean argues but Charlie interrupts him. 

"It's Cas, right? Is there something going on with you two because he started acting weird as soon as Sam showed up too."

"It's not the same thing if that's what you're getting at. Besides, I'm pretty sure Cas is mad at me too."

Charlie looks triumphant. "I _knew_ it was Cas. You're into him, aren't you?"

"It's not like that. Besides, he's Sam's friend, it'd be weird."

"Oh my God," Charlie says like she's just solved the mystery of the century, " _that's_ why you're not doing anything about it? Because he's Sam's friend? Dean, please, for me, think about what you're saying right now."

Dean wants to tell her that it's more complicated than that, that if he had the opportunity, under normal circumstances, he would ask Cas out in a heartbeat, but he can’t. That would mean telling her he lied and he's not feeling up to that right now, especially not after Cas' sudden change in behaviour. He just sort of shrugs instead and Charlie sighs at him. 

"It's not that easy," Dean mumbles. "I like him - I like him a lot, but since Sam got here-"

"He's been weird?"

"Yeah. I dunno if it's because of something I did or because of Sam, but it all just feels messy now." He's not _totally_ lying out his ass; he doesn't know what's up with Cas, but he does know damn well that that's not the only thing keeping him from asking Cas out. 

"Maybe he just thinks it's weird too," Charlie offers, "give it a couple of days and see if everything goes back to normal."

"And if it doesn't?" He doesn't really want an answer, but he's feeling shitty and argumentative, so he asks nonetheless.

"Then as much as it sucks, you might have to be the one who makes the first move."

Dean just snorts at her and continues folding his shirts. Regularly, Dean would agree. He _should_ make the first move, he should go up to Cas and tell him the truth - that he remembers everything and has been dying to see him again for months. Even if it goes badly and Cas doesn't remember, it evens the playing field; they'll both know where they stand and maybe they can move on from there. If not, at least Dean knows he doesn't have a chance. 

He thanks Charlie for her input, but assures her he knows what he's doing and if he decides to do something, she'll be the first to know. He knows he's a coward and chances are he won't do a goddamn thing about it and he'll just sit and be miserable for the next little bit. Charlie leaves him and Dean quickly runs out of energy to do anything but lie on his bed and look at the ceiling. 

Relationships have never been this hard for him; usually, he meets someone, goes home with them or they come with him and if he likes them, he'll call again. Usually, he's not a fucking idiot who forgets to get a phone number for the one fucking person he actually wants to see again. 

They fly out tomorrow so he needs to at least pull himself together enough to let Cas know they're still okay - and to talk to Sam; he's been a fucking mess and he should probably not be a mess for Sam's entire visit. 

He goes to bed with the firm decision to apologize to Sam - and make up an excuse about work if he needs to - and talk to Cas, maybe not about the _thing_ between them but at least to clear the air and find out what's bothering him. The last thought that goes through his mind before he falls asleep is that he's going to talk to Sam and Cas no matter what.

-

The morning is hell and after sleeping in and rushing to pack the rest of his things, Dean is basically dragged out of the house so that they don't miss their cab to the airport. By the time they get there, Dean's half-asleep again, just conscious enough to follow Charlie's direction as she piles their bags onto one of the airport carts and leads him to the check-in desks.

Their flight isn’t for another two hours, but one of the perks of flying as their chosen method of travel is that you have to arrive early, and therefore get to sit for two damn hours in the airport with shitty wifi and nothing to do. Dean just goes through the motions, letting Charlie lead him around in his half-conscious state until they're through customs and can finally go sit at their gate for the remaining hour and twenty minutes until the flight. 

There's no sign of anyone else, so they plop down near one of the pillars between the seats - there's an outlet there and Dean needs to charge his phone. Charlie pulls out a book and starts reading, but she's smiling too much for Dean to be entirely comfortable; she looks like she's up to something and whatever it is, he has a feeling it involves him. 

He's proven right a few seconds later when Sam and Jo round the corner with everyone else in tow, carrying a box of cupcakes and singing to him at the top of their lungs. Most of the time, Dean loves his friends, right now he's not so sure. 

"Happy birthday," Charlie grins and suddenly Dean realizes this was not a spur of the moment event. He frowns at Charlie and she just throws an arm around his shoulders and joins in the chorus. Jo plops down next to him, mirroring Charlie's position and once they're done singing she takes the box from Sam and sets it in Dean's lap. 

"We were gonna get you pie but y'know the airport."

"Thanks, guys." He smiles up at them and he can't help but notice the gin on Cas' face. 

By the time they're ready to board, they've polished off the box of cupcakes and Dean is five seconds from falling asleep; he's interrupted by the announcement that their plane is boarding and Charlie nudges him fully awake. They're all sitting close together, but Dean is squished between Sam and Jo and he's excited to have someone to talk to during the flight until they both fall asleep on him ten minutes in. 

Dean doesn't sleep on planes. Maybe it's because he's 6'2" and there's nowhere for him to lie down, or maybe it's just because aside from being death traps, planes are the most uncomfortable mode of transportation. Either way, he's doomed to spend the next 6 hours sulking alone because Charlie is two seats back and he's not going to yell over Cas and Gabe to talk to her - if she even stays awake long enough. 

Takeoff goes remarkably smoothly, even by Dean's standards, but shortly after Sam passes out, it starts to get rough. The rational part of Dean's brain assures him that turbulence is normal and that this isn't very bad - despite his fear of flying, he's flown often enough to know when it's bad. No one else even seems to notice, but Dean is struggling to keep his composure. He grips the armrests, digging his nails into the fabric as the plane jerks again, and just as he shuts his eyes, there's a warm pressure on his shoulder. 

"Not a good flier?" Cas asks and Dean exhales slowly, shaking his head. Cas shifts forward in his spot until Dean can feel his knees against the back of his seat. He rests his hands on either of Dean's shoulders, pressing his fingers into the tense muscle. 

"Try and relax a little," he says softly, "it should pass in a few minutes." Dean nods, but he doesn't believe him. He shuts his eyes, trying to focus solely on the press of Cas' hands, but it's hard when the only thing keeping him from a twenty thousand foot drop is a metal box that's currently shaking. 

"Right," Dean mumbles. He tries, but it's hard to relax when you could drop out of the sky at any second, and the faint brush of Cas' thumb on his neck is having the opposite effect. Dean thinks back to before, to the first night he spent with Cas in an attempt to distract himself from his impending doom, and it helps a little, if only because it makes him feel guilty and the guilt detracts from the fear. 

"Why don't you put on a movie?" Cas breathes, "it'll help to keep your mind off of it."

Dean's doubtful, but he taps the screen on and browses through the choices. Most of them are new, within the last couple of years, but there are a couple of older ones as well and Dean's brain is having trouble focusing. It wouldn't be so bad, but Cas is still leaning against his seat, peering over his shoulder and rubbing circles on the back of his neck; he's just trying to keep him calm, Dean knows, but it feels like more than that. 

He settles for something he's never heard of and plugs his headphones in, passing one back to Cas so he can listen too. It's dumb, maybe, but he feels better with Cas there, huffing softly against his neck every time he laughs. Dean forgets about the rest of their friends, about the fact that he and Cas have a fucked up situation here, and that Charlie and Jo seem to want to set them up - none of it matters right now because Dean can finally breathe again. 

The rest of the flight passes surprisingly well considering, and Dean puts that down to Cas' presence, though he tries not to think too much about that. As they're disembarking though, Cas is pulled away and Dean's left on his own again.

\- - - - -

Gabriel is none too gentle about hauling Cas off to one side and Cas just groans and rolls his eyes as Gabe stares him down. He's waiting for Cas to say something, and Cas knows it's about Dean, but he's exhausted trying to keep this up and as far as he's concerned, watching movies on the plane isn't the worst possible thing he could have done.

"I don't think Sam would appreciate you hitting on his brother," Gabe says and Cas very nearly rolls his eyes again. 

"It's not like that."

"Mmhm."

"Gabriel," he sighs, "Dean isn't good on planes, I was just trying to help."

"Look, bro, if you want to lose this bet, that's on you." Gabriel winks at him and strolls away, leaving Cas torn and emotionally exhausted again. 

He doesn't see Dean again until that evening; as soon as they get back to the hotel, Dean goes to his room to nap and Cas sits on his own bed, wide awake, staring at the ceiling and wondering not for the first time what the fuck he's gotten himself into.


	4. Chapter 4

Dean's nap doesn't go exactly as planned and he wakes up feeling arguably worse than when he fell asleep. Everyone around him is getting ready to head out and he knows he should be excited because it's his birthday and it'll be the first time they've all done something together in longer than he can remember, but everything is just a little messy right now and he'd rather just stay in bed and get a good sleep. At least, he thinks that's what he wants until Cas and Meg show up at the door. 

Charlie lets them in without hesitation and Dean nearly passes out when he sees what Cas is wearing because of all the things he could have chosen, he's wearing suspenders. He looks phenomenal all the time, but tonight there's just something about him that Dean has a hard time ignoring. God, he's so fucking sexy it should be criminal, and it takes more effort than Dean would like to admit to keep from pressing him into the corner and snapping those suspenders against his chest. 

This is all such a mess. He just wants to go back to normal life, where he's not constantly being torn between this insane attraction and the misery that follows when he remembers Cas doesn't seem to have any recollection of their meeting. If he gave any sort of hint that he knew Dean, that Dean wasn't the only one being haunted by the memory of Cas' bare skin against his own, then he might be able to deal with it, but not having anyone to share it with is killing him, and right now, the suspenders are killing him even more. 

They head out shortly after, the four of them, but while the girls go on ahead, Cas stops and pulls Dean aside. Cas looks a little sheepish and Dean doesn't quite know what to say because he'd like nothing more than to go home and take Cas with him. 

"I'm sorry I've been a little distant," Cas starts. "If we can, I'd like to start over." 

He doesn't go into detail, but he says it's because he likes Dean and he feels bad about how he's been acting. Dean isn't entirely sure he understands, but Cas has been nice to him so far, even if it's not exactly what Dean would like. It's true Cas has been a little distant since Sam joined them, but considering as far as Cas is aware, he and Dean don't know each other, Dean can't hold it against him. 

"You have nothing to apologize for," he assures him and Cas smiles at him as they go ahead to catch up with the girls. It's not the truth, not really, but it's not like Cas would know any different, and Dean's not about to say anything to him. At least he wasn't planning on it. 

He's about six shots in - enough that he's just blurring the line of what he should and shouldn't do - when Cas catches him alone. He's in a much better mood now, something he owes entirely to the tequila and loud music, but when Cas grins at him it's not happiness that he feels, but something else that he can't quite name. 

"Hey," he says, "about before, I-"

"Hm?" Cas asks, and when he takes a step closer it's all Dean can do not to touch him. 

"What's up with you and Sam?" The happiness drains from Cas' face and turns to something like confusion. "I lied before. You've been weird." 

Cas huffs and presses closer, forcing Dean to walk back until his back hits the wall and Cas is just about touching him. The alcohol is dulling Dean's logical brain and when Cas' hands come up on either side of his hips, the only thing keeping them from crashing into one another, he wants to throw it all to the wind. 

If he kissed him right now, what's the worst that could happen? If Cas pulls back, he can relax; it'll feel shitty, but he wouldn't have to suffer through this not knowing. But if he doesn't, if Cas kisses him back, then all he has to do is explain why he lied somewhere down the line. Sure, it'll be awkward to explain that yeah, he did remember him, but that's a later Dean problem, and right-now Dean is aching to close the gap between them. 

"I'm sorry," Cas grins. His one hand comes up to rest on Dean's hip, his thumb tracing the line of his hip bone through his shirt. "Let me make it up to you." 

Cas presses forward and the hand on Dean's hip grips firmly. Dean can feel his breath against his lips and it's too much; he can't bring himself to pull away, even though he knows he should and Cas' mouth is barely an inch from his own before Sam shouts for him and Cas draws back. 

Cas ducks his head and offers a sheepish smile before turning away and following Sam's voice. Dean stays for a second, still breathing hard and trying to convince himself that that just happened. He smiles to himself; maybe Cas has just been off because of the trip, maybe somewhere deep down, he does remember him. Maybe Dean should bring it up. 

When they head back to the hotel, Dean does his best not to show how he's feeling because every single person would leap on him if they found him grinning like he wants to. Nonetheless, they only make it to the elevator before Charlie pulls him aside to ask him what's up.

\- - - - -

Sam gives him a look when he finds him, but Cas just passes it off. He doesn't know what happened, it's fine. Either way, he doesn't have to be alone with Sam long, because Meg and Jo saunter up soon enough, complaining that they're tired and want to head back. Cas doesn't complain because he could use a minute to think, and, if he's honest, he'd like some time to dwell on Dean and how it felt being so close to him again.

Leaving is a bit of a blur, trying to say goodnight to everyone, but Cas is drunk enough, or careless enough, that when they pass Dean on their way out, he pulls him into a warm hug. If either of his friends were soberer, it wouldn't take much to realize something's going on because Cas lingers just a little too long, hands drifting a little lower than they should. He doesn't mean to; he doesn't mean to do half the things he's been doing since Dean came back into his life, but alcohol and secrets are a bad combination. When he slips away, Dean's grinning this stupid little smile at him and Cas only keeps from kissing him because Meg comes back to pull him along behind them. 

She doesn't say anything right away, but when they get back to the room, Jo passes out almost immediately and all Meg has to do is look at him before Cas spills everything. 

"I need your advice."

"Since when do you ever need _my_ advice?"

"Since... Dean Winchester," Cas grumbles. "I almost kissed him."

"I saw."

"No. Before. Before I was talking to Sam, but I couldn't. I can't."

"Why the hell not? You're hot, he's hot - you're both single."

For the first time, Cas' high fades and he barely manages to hold back a sigh. "I just can't."

"That's a stupid answer, Cas."

"Look, how am I supposed to help if you won't tell me why you can't be with him. You wanted my advice? Here it is: get up in the morning and go down to the hall and ask Dean to get breakfast with you. Just Dean. Don't eat downstairs, go somewhere private, talk to him, _tell_ him how you feel. If you're really into him you can't just sit around hoping for the best. Dean's hot and he's a good guy and if you're not quick, someone else is going to realize that."

She doesn't give him a chance to respond before sliding off the bed and turning off the light. Cas is left to get changed in the dark and as he slips under the covers, he thinks about what she said. He knows it was supposed to be inspiring, but he just feels hopeless. Dean _is_ a good guy and he _is_ hot and someone will come along and realize that and from where he stands, Cas is powerless to stop them. 

If he goes through with this and Gabe organizes a meet with him, he could get published. This is his life, this is everything he's ever wanted and it's only one meeting, but Cas has never come this close before. He decides that he's being ridiculous, that Dean is just one guy and he's not worth giving up everything he's been working so hard for for the last few years. 

He and Sam will pull this off and he'll meet with Kali and then he'll be too busy working to think about Dean anymore. That doesn't stop him from thinking about him now though; as he stares up at the ceiling, he imagines following through with Meg's plan, taking Dean out for breakfast and telling him the truth - the whole truth. 

It's a fantasy, nothing more, but he likes the thought of it and Cas falls asleep thinking of imaginary mornings to come, pressed up against Dean in a bed they share.

-

When Cas wakes up, it's to the instant realization that he said too damn much last night and he groans into his pillow, already trying to figure out how to take it back. Of course, he would tell Meg everything - well, close enough - he was drunk enough to nearly kiss Dean in a very public place, so why wouldn't he just spill everything he's supposed to be keeping secret.

He pulls her aside as they're getting ready to head out and tugs her into the hall. 

"Hey," he starts, and she looks at him like he's about to reveal some big secret or something. "I need you to not say anything about what I told you last night."

"What?" Meg asks, clearly disappointed "Cas, this isn't how-"

"I don't want to do _anything_. I want to make it through this trip and go back to real life and forget about Dean Winchester."

"Yeah, that's bullshit. Why won't you just tell me the truth?"

"I will," Cas sighs, rubbing his hand over his face, "I just need time. There are other things going on here and I can't just- I promise, I'll tell you when everything is sorted out, but for right now I just need you to be my friend and I need you to trust that me not doing anything about this is for the best, even if it doesn't seem like it."

Meg stares quietly for a second, trying to read Cas' expression. He hadn't meant to say all of that, but there it is; he can't be trusted to speak when he's sober either. 

"Okay," she says softly, reaching a hand out to rub Cas' shoulder. "Should we finish getting ready and head down to eat?"

They skip packing and head down to the dining room. A few of the others are there and Cas and Meg take the table next to them, but as Cas looks over the menu, he notices that Dean is pointedly missing. He eats quietly while the others chat about their day to come, and when he's finished, Sam comes to get him so they can head out to the rental place. 

He and Sam are five minutes out from the hotel, walking to the rental place because it's only a few blocks when Cas sighs and stops in his tracks. 

"I need to talk to you."

"About what?" Sam asks, cheerfully oblivious to Cas' tone. 

"Last night. I got drunk - really drunk. I almost kissed your brother." Sam just shrugs and Cas wants to shake him for being so blase about the whole thing. "I don't think you quite understand, I almost kissed _Dean_."

"Yeah, well, I kissed a couple of people last night, so what?"

"So he's your brother Sam, and tonight we're going to tell him that we're engaged and he's going to be pissed because I'm unfaithful and because you deserve better and-"

Sam stops and turns to him, resting his hands on his shoulders and looking down at him. "Look, you didn't kiss him, right? You realized you were making a drunk mistake and you stopped. God knows Dean's done all sorts of dumb shit when he's drunk, as long as Gabriel doesn't know. We're okay, just don't do it again."

_Just don't do it again_ , Cas thinks mockingly. Of course, it's so damn easy for Sam, he's not emotionally involved and the worst that could happen to him is having to go on one single date with Gabriel. Honestly, he should have just sucked it up and gone out with him in the first place, it would have saved Cas a hell of a lot of trouble.

\- - - - -

Dean's got a headache in the morning, but all in all, he's feeling pretty damn good, apart from the nagging feeling that he fucked up last night. He shouldn't have drunk so much and he shouldn't have let himself get so close to Cas, even if things do seem to be looking up for them. Maybe when they get up to the cabin, he can talk to him privately, sort some of this shit out. For now, he's feeling good enough that _something_ could happen and he gets his stuff together and makes his way down to the lobby to wait with everyone else.

When Sam and Cas get back, they're driving a van and they pull into the parking lot so they can load it up with all their stuff. It's a good few hours' drive up into the city and then they're staying in another hotel tonight before driving up to the cabin; Dean's not exactly looking forward to all the travelling - not least of all because he's not crazy about the idea of someone else driving - but he packs his stuff into the back and climbs into the back. Charlie and Jo squish in next to him a few minutes later, and as the van fills up, Dean feels more like he's on a school trip than a holiday with his friends.

\- - - - -

They get into the city just after three and Sam takes them straight to the hotel to check in. The plan was to have dinner at five so that only gives Cas two hours to make a final decision on what he wants to do. He does his best to act normal as they check in to the hotel and get up to their rooms, but the first chance he gets, he slips out into the hall and makes his way down to Sam and Dean's room.

Dean, of course, is the one who answers the door and he looks almost surprised to see Cas there. Cas is so caught up in the pink tinge that creeps across his face that he almost forgets he's supposed to be asking for Sam. When he does, Dean frowns, but he disappears back into the room and a moment later, Sam takes his place. Cas tugs him out into the hall, shutting the door behind him. 

"I need to make sure you still want to go through with this tonight," he says and Sam, frustratingly, shrugs. 

"Yeah. I want your brother off my back."

"Of course," Cas breathes, but his heart sinks. A part of him was hoping Sam would change his mind and he'd be able to go off and find Dean and try to talk things through with him. At this point, it wouldn't be easy, but given the chance, he still wants to try. Well, wanted to. He tries not to let on how disappointed he is, and he reminds Sam about the address of the restaurant before heading back to get dressed for dinner. 

Cas digs through his bag for something nice to wear; if he's going to go through with this, he might as well do it properly, but he can feel Meg's eyes on him the whole time and he wants to tell her she only has another hour to wait before she finds out, but he keeps his mouth shut.

He leaves the hotel early, walking to the restaurant so he can think things through before fucking things up with Dean permanently. He reminds himself again about his writing, how this meeting with Kali could be the best thing that ever happened to his career, and it helps a little. He's survived the last year without Dean, a few days in between isn't going to change him that dramatically. 

Despite walking, he's still the first to arrive, so he gets them a table and sits and waits. He's not alone for long before the others arrive and Cas keeps quiet, tucked into the corner of the table. Once they're seated, time seems to move at double speed and before long, they've ordered their food and as soon as the waiter walks away, Sam's nudging him with his elbow. He wants to get out of his own skin, but he can't even leave the table and Sam keeps looking at him like they have to do this soon, but Cas just feels like he's going to throw up.

\- - - - -

Dean's lost in thought, so at first, he doesn't notice when Sam tries to quiet their table down. He's still not paying attention when everyone else does quiet down, not until he hears _Cas and I have an announcement to make_ \- that gets his attention. He frowns up at Sam, but neither he nor Cas is paying any attention, and Cas looks as anxious as Dean's ever seen him.

"So, we wanted to wait until everyone was together, and I can't think of a better time than to tell you that Cas and I are getting married."

There aren't words to describe how quickly Dean's night flips upside down; he feels like he's just been punched in the stomach and his mind goes entirely blank except for the last few words on repeat: _Cas and I are getting married_. He can hear the uproar - a combination of people celebrating and Jo demanding to know _what the fuck_ because she lives with them and they share separate rooms - but all of it goes in one ear and out the other and Dean can only be glad no one is looking at him right now because he couldn't pretend to be happy if his life depended on it. 

Cas has been leading him on; sure, it hasn't been big things, but he was really starting to feel like there might be something, whether or not Cas remembers him. Clearly, he was wrong. He glances up for a brief second, long enough to see Sam wrap an arm around Cas' shoulders and he has to get out of there. Dean's stomach turns as he slips out of the booth and he's certain he's going to throw up - he can't even bring himself to try and excuse himself, he just walks out, dead silent. Behind him, he vaguely hears Jo and Charlie talking amongst themselves and then Charlie saying _I'll go_ , but then the restaurant door shuts and he's on his own.

\- - - - -

Dean gets up and Cas watches like he's in slow motion as he walks out of the restaurant. He can't even blame him; he knows exactly why and he feels like a piece of fucking garbage, especially considering what happened last night. Charlie goes out after him and Cas wishes it could be him to go after him, to wrap Dean up in his arms and tell him that it's going to be okay, but he can't and he can't promise that.

Right now, he's being bombarded by questions - mostly from Jo - about why they never mentioned that they were dating and why they're never together back at home. Cas is just thankful that he's not in this alone right now because Sam, at least, has the wherewithal to answer some of the questions being hurled at them. He explains everything as smoothly as he can - that they don't sleep in the same room because they didn't want to make things awkward for Jo and that's why they're not really touchy-feely and he just seems to have a damn answer for everything. 

Cas can't bring himself to look up from the empty spot where Dean was sitting just a few minutes ago. If he did have a chance with him, it's definitely gone now and suddenly his writing career doesn't feel as important as it did a few hours ago. 

Sam gets everyone back down to a calm level and he answers a few more of their questions as they wait for their food. Cas even manages to jump in a little bit when Sam elbows him and brings him back to reality. Right, this is supposed to be one of the best days of his life. He's happy. 

In reality, the only thing he's not panicking about is everyone's reaction; everyone seems to accept the fact that he and Sam just aren't very open about their relationship and the only person who seems to think Dean leaving has any relation is Charlie. More than anything, Cas wants to get out and talk to her about it, to ask her if Dean's okay because he doesn't think Dean will want to talk to him, even if they get another chance tonight. 

It's not until he catches her voice through the rumble that he remembers Meg; he told her well, mostly everything and she must be expecting some answers right now - he would be. When he turns to look at her, she fixes him with an unreadable look, somewhere between sympathy and confusion all wrapped up in what looks like a realization. If anything, he'll have her to talk to tonight and maybe she can help him sort through some of the shit going on in his head. 

The waiter arrives with their food, giving Cas a break from his thoughts and the constant chatter. Across from him, Jo is texting Charlie to see if she and Dean are coming back, and Cas' stomach drops further.

\- - - - -

It like some kind of sick fucking joke. For _months_ , he's been thinking about Cas nonstop, for _months_ , and then just a few days after he finally catches up with him again, Sam announces that they're getting married, because why would things go his way? He feels like he's gonna be sick.

He stumbles down the street, making toward the van, but stops himself. If he sits and waits, eventually he'll have to see Cas again. Eventually, he'll have to face Sam. 

And maybe that's the worst part. If Cas was just engaged, it would be fine, he could get on with his life, but Cas is engaged to his _brother_ and is going to be in his life for a long time to come. Dean's going to be there when they get married and move in together and maybe adopt a couple of kids. He's going to watch a man who he hoped might be in _his_ future become his brother's future and he doesn't know how he's going to cope with that. 

He's going to have to come to terms with the fact that Sam is having sex with Cas. He winces a little, just at the thought. He knows what Cas is like in bed and knowing _Sam_ is the one who's going to be with him is like a whole new brand of torture. 

Yeah, he's definitely gonna be sick. 

Dean's about to start back toward the hotel when Charlie finds him. She's sympathetic but Dean hates that she knows everything because now he just feels like the world's biggest idiot. 

"Jo says the food showed up," she offers and Dean just shrugs. 

"I'm gonna head back to the hotel, tell 'em I'm not feeling well or something."

"Okay, well, if you need anything just text me okay?" Dean nods slowly and sighs. 

"Will do. " He watches her disappear back inside and shoves his hands in his pockets. It's cold and he left his jacket inside, but he doesn't want to go back in, so he'll have to suffer the fifteen minute walk back. 

He tries not to think too much, and when he gets back to the hotel, he stops at the front desk and pays for an additional room for himself. Partially, he wants the privacy, but mostly he's not sure he won't break down the second he sees Sam and that's not something he has the energy to deal with tonight. _Fuck_. At some point, he's going to have to come clean to Sam, and that should probably be sooner rather than later, and that probably means talking to Cas too. Cas may not remember their time together, but that doesn't mean Dean has to throw him under the bus when he talks to Sam about it, so he's going to have to remind Cas first and maybe they can talk to Sam together. 

Scratch that, that sounds like a worse plan than talking to him alone. First, he'll talk to Cas and then he'll talk to Sam, but not now. He'll give them their vacation at least and then when they get back home he'll do it. Maybe by then, he'll have come to terms with the whole thing. 

He gets his stuff from the other room and takes it down the hall, opening the door to his new room and dropping everything on the floor. At least he's alone now, and no one is there to judge him when he flops face-first onto the bed. He doesn't cry over things like this, but tonight is a close call and he keeps his face buried in the pillow, going over the few days he spent with Cas last summer until he can't think anymore.

\- - - - -

Charlie comes back alone with a story about Dean not feeling well and Cas knows it's bullshit, but he keeps his mouth shut and keeps eating his food. This is the happiest day of his life so far, right? He shouldn't be worried about what Dean is or isn't doing.

They finish their dinner, but Jo keeps looking at Sam and Cas like they're up to something like she doesn't believe them for a second, and Cas can _feel_ Meg wanting to say something. It's probably about last night and it's probably not something he wants to talk about, so for now, he's happy to sit and eat and be surrounded by people. 

When they finish dinner, he starts to get anxious again, but the pile into the van and most of them are full enough that the engagement isn't brought up again. They get back to the hotel and Meg holds him back in the lobby. When Jo turns to question her, she just says she wants to congratulate Cas personally and pulls him back outside to talk.

"Figured out where I know him," she says and Cas shuts his eyes with a sigh. "He's the guy from the club. The guy you were fucking head over heels for after two days, Cas. I figured it out last night after you'd fallen asleep. There's no way him walking out tonight isn't related."

"It's not like that."

"You can't tell me you don't remember, not after you mooned around over him for _weeks_."

"Meg, please." She just gives him a look like he's an idiot - which he is, but still. Cas relents, exhaling slowly. "He doesn't remember."

"My ass, he doesn't. Cas, he looked fucking heartbroken-"

"Can we not do this? Please, just don't bring it up. If anyone tells Sam about it, I want it to be me, I just don't know what to say yet." It's obvious Meg doesn't understand, but she agrees reluctantly and Cas loves her for it. 

They make their way up to the room to find Jo with a bottle of champagne, and Cas can't exactly say no. He drinks enough that he doesn't have to think anymore, and when he does finally get to sleep, he lies awake staring at the ceiling, wondering if he'll ever sleep again.


	5. Chapter 5

Dean wakes up in the exact position he fell asleep in, and all at once everything comes flooding back to him. His head aches and he hasn't eaten anything in hours so he feels like shit on top of it and the only bright side is that he's alone in the dark and no one can see him or talk to him or ask if he's okay. He does have unread text messages from every single person he's travelling with, but he chooses to ignore all but Charlie's for the time being. 

_< < Take it you got yourself your own room. Can't say I blame you. _

_< < Try and feel better, we've got an early morning tomorrow and a long drive._

_< < I'll come and wake you up in the morning._

_< < Goodnight <3_

_< < Hey, you awake yet?_

_< < Dean?_

_< < Five more minutes and I'm coming to get you. _

The last message is from four minutes ago and just as he's typing out a response, Charlie calls him.

"Hey," he mumbles. 

"Hey yourself. What room are you in? I have breakfast."

"312."

"Okay, see you in a minute." The line goes dead and Dean gets up and stumbles to the door to unlock it. He drops back onto the bed and Charlie appears a couple of minutes later with a paper plate of croissants and fruit. 

"How are you feeling?"

"Other than the fact that I don't even want to see my own brother and like I'm the world's biggest idiot? Fuckin' awesome."

"I'm sorry."

"Yeah, me too."

"We're getting ready to head out, you good to go?"

"Yeah," Dean mumbles, "don't have much of a choice, right? Can you do me a favour and just not say anything? I don't want to think about it, I'm just gonna say I was feeling sick and leave it at that."

"Yeah, of course. You want a hand with your stuff?"

Dean doesn't argue and he and Charlie head down to the van before everyone else, packing their things into the back. Dean runs to the corner store quickly, grabbing chips and pepperoni in lieu of breakfast, and coffee to keep him from passing out on the ride up. Considering everything, that might actually be a better plan, but he has to pretend like things are okay, so having a misery nap isn't really an option. 

He still sits in the back of the van and Charlie joins him, leaning up against his side in a gesture that's probably more comforting than she intended, and while everyone else comes down and starts piling in, Dean remains quiet. 

On the ride up everyone is excited and everyone is chatting and Dean just sits and looks out the window, pretending to be distracted by the scenery. Meg keeps talking about having an engagement party and Dean's too busy not paying attention to realize how hard Cas tries to talk her down from the idea. He's turned around with a pained look on his face, giving Meg a dozen reasons why he doesn't want a big party, but Meg is determined. 

When they get to the cabin, everyone floods out of the van at once. They're all excited and Dean wishes he shared their enthusiasm; a day ago he was just as excited as they are and now he's just a bundle of guilt and misery and hopelessness. Still, he does his best to be happy about their arrival and he helps Sam unload the van, handing bags out to everyone else. 

Cas has the key to the cabin, so he goes ahead, letting everyone in so they can check it out and find a room and get settled. Normally, Dean would be right up there trying to find the best room, but he's so preoccupied watching Cas, the way he laughs when Jo says something to him, that he doesn't realize Sam's pulled the last few bags out of the van and is waiting for him to close the hatch.

It's only the two of them left outside and Dean wants to say something, but Cas waves them over and Sam hauls two bags onto his shoulders and heads toward him. Dean doesn't want to be left behind, so he grabs his bag and follows after Sam. 

The three of them are the last to choose their rooms and, surprisingly, Cas offers Dean the better of the two; it's a little bit smaller, but it's upstairs and has a view of the surrounding forest. Sam doesn't seem to mind where they sleep, so Dean accepts the offer and heads up to get unpacked. 

He's relieved to have some time alone to think because it lets him sort out everything in his head; he wants to be happy for Sam and Cas and he wants to move past this, so that's what he has to work towards. There will be other people out there, and there's nothing Dean can do about it now. Even if he wanted to tell Cas how he feels; it doesn't matter, so he's going to forget about everything that happened between them. If anything, it can be a happy memory for him, something from a past life, but nothing more. 

There's a knock on the door and Dean pauses in unpacking his bag.

"Come in," he calls, not bothering to turn around and see who it is. When he does glance back, he's expecting it to be Charlie waiting for him, or even Jo, but Cas is the one looking back at him, and when Dean doesn't turn him away, he shuts the door behind him and crosses over to him. 

"Could we talk for a minute?” Dean doesn’t respond, but Cas doesn’t wait for an answer. He inhales slowly and then, "I remember everything."

"What?" It's an instinctive response, but as he waits for an answer, the truth of it sinks it. "You-" he starts, but the words won't come and he just turns and stares at Cas. Cas looks back at him like this is the last thing he ever wanted to tell him and Dean struggles with the confession, dropping down to sit on the edge of the bed. 

"How could I forget? Do you?" Cas asks and Dean nods. 

"Yeah. Yeah, I remember."

"I'm sorry," Cas breathes, "I didn't want to make things awkward. I knew what Sam wanted to do and I thought if I pretended not to remember you it would hurt less. I didn't want to give you the wrong impression."

"Cas, you almost kissed me, how is that not the wrong impression?"

"I was drunk and I was so caught up in the moment and the lingering feelings-" he pauses, and a flash of panic crosses his face. "I've been thinking about last summer since I saw you and for a minute I was confused. I didn't mean for you to get caught up in this, I didn't realize you were Sam's brother when I met him."

Dean's still a step behind because Cas said lingering _feelings_ and maybe if he had just tried harder to get back in contact with him, things could be different. 

"Um," he stammers, "Cas, it's cool. I'm happy for you. I get it, why you didn't say anything. It's fine. We're fine." Dean does his best to convince him, but Cas just looks hurt and Dean doesn't even feel bad because there's no way Cas feels as shitty as he does right now.

\- - - - -

There's no food up at the cabin, so they order pizza for Meg's makeshift engagement party. Dean doesn't get involved, but Jo and Meg are a whirlwind and before anyone knows what's going on they've ordered food and are heading into town to get pop and snacks and alcohol.

They turn up the music and everyone is dancing and laughing and Cas and Dean are the only ones who don't have a good time. Around nine, Dean heads up to bed and no one notices except Cas. He's been hyper-focused on Dean since talking to him earlier in the afternoon, and he wants to go after him, to tell him everything and tell Gabriel to go fuck himself, but he made a promise to Sam and he has his future to think about. 

He's miserable; being the centre of attention is bad enough at the best of times, but right now he's trying to keep this whole engagement thing under control and it's not working. He knows Meg is trying to cheer him up, but it's having the opposite effect and he doesn't have the heart to tell her. After Dean leaves, he stays for a little while longer, trading his tequila for a glass of water and finishing it before feigning a headache and heading to bed himself. 

It doesn't take Meg long to come and find him and he's sitting on his bed, staring blankly out the window when she slips into the room. 

"You just got engaged, I thought you might be a little less miserable. You want to tell me what's going on?"

"Told Dean I still have feelings for him."

"Sorry. How did he take it?"

"About as well as you can expect. I didn't want to hurt anyone," he breathes, and it feels like the first honest thing he's said in days. Meg tries to make him feel better about it, but Cas just wants to pretend it's not real, and when Sam comes to bed a little while later, Meg excuses herself and leaves them to sleep. 

"Everything okay?" Sam asks and Cas nods. 

"Yeah," he smiles, "I just have a headache. I'll feel better in the morning." Another lie. Sam smiles at him as he gets changed for bed. 

"They bought it though," he says and Cas pulls up a fake smile. 

"Except Jo," he points out. 

"Yeah, well, we'll just have to try harder with her." Cas dreads finding out what trying harder means because everything is already hard enough and he doesn't want to make things worse than they are.

\- - - - -

In the morning, everyone's sitting around in the kitchen. There's nothing but leftover pizza to eat, so most of them are having that for breakfast. Sam and Jo are making a grocery list so they can head into town and pick up whatever they need. Around him, people are shouting out things they want, things they need, but Dean is busy thinking about what Cas said to him yesterday about still having feelings for him.

He didn't sleep much last night, but it gave him a chance to think, and once he calmed down a bit, it was easier to think clearly. This is a shitty situation, not just for him, but for Cas too. It can't be easy being engaged to someone when you have feelings for their sibling - maybe he shouldn't be so hard on Cas. Neither of them chose to feel this way, neither of them actively made choices knowing Dean was Sam's brother; maybe they need to sort things out - they are going to be in-laws after all. 

Dean stays mostly quiet, not contributing to the shopping list, but Sam's heading out with them to pick up the groceries and Dean trusts him to buy things he'll like too. Really, he just hopes Cas stays back so they can have a chance to talk about things without having to worry about Sam walking in - or anyone else, for that matter. Sometimes, life just sucks, but Dean's been through enough that he's learned to make the most of it. 

Those who go shopping head out a little while later and, much to Dean's disappointment, Cas goes with them. Jo stays, but Dean suspects it's more to try and get information out of him than anything, and when the door shuts behind the others, she's on him immediately, proving his theory. 

"Okay tell me, Sam's your brother - have you seen _any_ sign that he's dating anyone? Especially Cas?"

"Honestly, no, but I don't see Sam much." It's not exactly a conversation he wants to have; partially because he wants to believe Jo - that none of this is real - because it would make things easier for him and he might stand a chance with Cas. He knows it can't be like that though; why would Cas lie to him about it and still tell him he has feelings for him?

He wants to say as much to Jo, to stop her bringing it up because the small glimpses of hope just make things harder for him. He can't though; Cas told him those things in confidence and he's not going to start telling everyone just to make himself feel better. Plus, it might get back to Sam and Dean's not going to be responsible for meddling in his brother's relationship. 

Dean manages to feign disinterest long enough that Jo leaves him alone, and he returns to his room to keep himself occupied until the others get back. He reads and listens to music and looks out the window, but every few minutes he ends up thinking about Cas again and, not for the first time, wonders how he ended up falling for his brother's fiance. After an hour of this repetitive struggle, he settles into a bottle of wine, drinking alone in his bedroom. 

He decides it's Sam's fault. If they had just been open about their relationship from the beginning, he would have distanced himself from Cas right away and he never would have gotten himself into this mess. Sure, there would still be their history, but he could explain that to Sam without having to add on _oh yeah, and we almost kissed on my birthday_. Maybe if Sam had come when he was supposed to, they could have had their surprise announcement days before and Dean could have kept going on as he had for the last year. 

Halfway through the bottle, he realizes that never would have worked; he's been pining after Cas the whole damn time and it was going to hurt just as much whenever Sam decided to tell him. 

Sam can't be blamed for falling for Cas any more than he can.

-

Dean doesn't remember falling asleep, but when he wakes up with an empty wine bottle in his hand and his book on his chest, he does remember drinking. When he looks at the clock, it's late; the others will have been home long ago and are probably in bed now. He must have been asleep for at least a few hours. It's okay, he didn't really want to talk to anyone right now anyway.

He goes downstairs to drink some water and by the time he gets back to his room, he's wide awake and nothing he can do helps him get back to sleep. He lies back and shuts his eyes, but no matter what he tries to think about, he ends up thinking about Cas and then he ends up feeling guilty. 

After lying awake for so long he decides he doesn't care; it's not going to hurt anyone if he just thinks about Cas - and besides, no one will know anyone. 

He's never been so wrong. 

When he does finally get to sleep, he dreams about Cas - kissing him, touching him - and he wakes up with a persistent erection and an overwhelming feeling of misery because he's never going to feel Cas like that again. Not for real. Thinking about it is enough to kill his erection and after moping for a solid twenty minutes, he heads downstairs to have breakfast with everyone else. 

The first person he sees is Cas. Not everyone is awake yet, but Meg and Jo are shuffling around in the kitchen; they're making breakfast by the looks of it, and when Dean strolls over, he sits beside Cas because he's not suspicious. Cas gives him a soft smile, but his whispered _how did you sleep_ is drowned out by Meg.

"Morning sleeping beauty. Didn't know if you'd be joining us this morning."

Dean shrugs. "I get tired when I travel. What's for breakfast?"

"Eggs and toast," Jo offers, but Cas is shaking his head.

"If you want edible food, you'll wait for Sam."

Dean chuckles softly to him as Jo calls Cas out for being rude. He doesn't know what Jo's cooking is like, but he does know Sam makes a mean omelette and he's willing to wait. Meg slides a mug of coffee in front of him and Dean just smiles up at her; he's still only half awake, but he doesn’t miss the brief look she shares with Cas and he figures she must know something more than she's letting on. 

As Dean sips his coffee, Cas shuffles his stool a little closer. No one else notices, but when Cas leans closer Dean feels like everyone is staring at them.

\- - - - -

Cas shifts in his seat and leans just close enough that his shoulder bumps against Dean's. It's fine, Meg is just frowning at him because he knows how he feels about Dean. Just the thought of it makes his stomach turn and he wishes he hadn't said a damn thing to her.

"Hey," he whispers and Dean turns to him just enough that Cs realizes he's heard him "Do you want to come into town with me? I want to pick up something for Sam and I'm feeling a little suffocated."

"Yeah," Dean says quickly and he sounds relieved, which, in turn, makes Cas feel a hell of a lot better. Dean smiles encouragingly and Cas' stomach somersaults. If he's going to make it through this trip without either letting the cat out of the bag or doing something stupid like kissing Dean - something that promises to ruin any possible chance he might have with him. Going into town might not be the best course of action, but he wants to get out of the cabin for a little while and considering they didn't see Dean at all yesterday after breakfast, he assumes Dean's feeling similarly. 

They manage to sneak out when Sam and Charlie come into the kitchen for breakfast, using the distraction to slip out through the back. If anyone notices, they don't say anything and before long Dean and Cas are on their way. 

It's a little bit awkward, which Cas was hoping wouldn't happen, but considering their past and present, it's bound to be a little uncomfortable. He wants to try and clear the air, but he doesn't know what to say that won't make things worse. Already he made an idiot of himself with his _I'm engaged to your brother but don't worry I'm still into you_ speech and he's surprised Dean even wants to be around him right now - much less alone. 

"Hey," Dean says softly. It interrupts Cas' thoughts and he glances over briefly before turning back to the road. His fingers clench reflexively around the wheel, but he tries not to think about what Dean's going to say. 

"Yeah?"

"Let's start over - again.” When Cas looks over, Dean's turned away. "Yeah, it sucks and yeah, at some point Sam's gonna find out I slept with his husband - not a conversation I want to have, by the way - but that doesn't mean we can't be friends." He turns to meet Cas' eyes, just for a second and there's a sadness that doesn't come through in his voice. Cas hates that he's the reason for that pain, and he hates that he can't tell Dean that he's suffering too, not that it would help if Dean knew the truth. He doesn't say anything he wants to; instead, he agrees, tells Dean he'd like if they could be friends and swallows up everything he's actually feeling. 

By the time they make it into town Cas is overwhelmed with guilt and dreading bringing up Sam - he really should have thought of a different excuse to get Dean away. He parks along the main street instead of finding a mall and as he pulls the emergency brake, Dean's already unbuckling his seat belt. 

"So where did you want to go?" he asks and Cas hesitates. 

"I-" he starts, but Dean is looking at him and he can't lie anymore, not if he doesn't have to. "I don't want to buy anything for Sam. I just wanted to get away and I wanted to be with you."

There's something unreadable in Dean's expression, but Cas would rather than lying again. 

"Why don't you let me buy you a coffee?" he offers and Dean mulls it over before shrugging. 

"Yeah, alright."

-

Cas has never had to force a friendship before, but Dean is - admittedly, fairly - distant most of the time and doesn't seem to realize how desperate Cas is to make up for this disaster of a reintroduction. He's wondering now how he didn't make a move before the announcement, deal be damned. It seems like he's hyperfocused on every part of Dean that's perfect, like now that he officially can't have him, he's realizing what he's missing out on. But that's just how the world is sometimes.

Over lunch, he gets Dean to come out of his shell a little, though that is probably more the tequila's doing than his own. Still, he counts it as a win, even if Dean is painfully beautiful when he laughs. He just reminds himself again that this is his future at stake - something that seems a whole lot less important when Dean's giggling over some terrible joke he told. 

A few of the others cab into town just after lunch - Sam being one of them after Cas texted him that he was too drunk to drive back up and get him. It's bittersweet because even as they sober up, Dean's still smiling and happy, but Cas would give anything for it just to be the two of them again.

\- - - - -

Dean's torn when the others show up; Cas is clearly trying to make an effort and he likes spending time just with him, without any interruptions, but at the same time, he's infinitely less likely to climb over the table and kiss him with Sam around.

They leave the diner and head for the bar. It might only be two in the afternoon, but they're on vacation, so who cares, right? Dean doesn't drink because he has a better chance of keeping his hands to himself if he's sober, but then Cas doesn't either and he second guesses himself. 

Half an hour of having no one to talk to but Cas proves to be too much and to prevent himself from breaking up his brother's marriage before it happens, Dean excuses himself to get some fresh air. Only to walk right into Sam who is flirting very heavily with one of the bartenders.

He stops dead because he doesn't know what to do and the pure rage rushing through him must be obvious because Sam moves to silence him before he says a word. 

"Dean-" 

Dean shuts his eyes, shaking his head. He's trying, he really is; he's out here because he doesn't trust himself alone with Cas for too long and Sam's hitting on the first fucking woman he sees? He's torn between punching a wall and walking right back in there and kissing Cas like he wants to so badly. After what feels like an eternity, he finally manages to get words out. 

"What the hell, Sam?" Dean's actually impressed that what comes out isn't worse, because Sam has no way of knowing how hard this is for him. 

"It's not what it looks like."

"Right. And how would Cas feel if he came out here right now?"

Sam shuts his eyes with a sigh and Dean faintly hears him apologizing to the woman he's with before stepping away. Dean knows he's supposed to follow, but he can't, he's too angry. He stalks off to find the van to cool down before he goes back to the bar. To his credit, Sam just lets him go. 

He sits in the back of the van with his hand in his hands, counting every single way in which this is the least fair situation he's ever been in. How can Sam not see how good he's got it already? How can he so brazenly flirt with other people when Dean would give anything for a chance to be with Cas. He wants to make Sam realize just how lucky he is and he considers whether he should say something to Cas, but he reconsiders. 

Maybe they have an open relationship - Cas had mentioned something about previous poly relationships so it wouldn't be a stretch. There's a small part of him that piques at the thought because if Sam can be with other people, so could Cas. It would be weird, though dating two brothers - even for Dean, it would be too much. 

Once he's calmed down and has decided firmly against saying anything further to Sam, Dean intends to go back to the bar, but Cas finds him first. There's a soft knocking on the door and then it slides open and Cas peeks in. 

"Sam said you were upset about something. Is everything okay?"

"Yeah. I'm okay." He pauses and sighs. "Can I ask you a personal question?"

"Go ahead."

"Have you and Sam ever had an open relationship?"

\- - - - -

Cas nearly chokes. He's not sure if Dean's onto their scam or if he's being really forward (and god, would he like for that to be the case), but either way, he doesn't know how to respond.

"I- uh- never really thought of it," he stammers, struggling to get the words out. "Why?"

"Just wondering," he mumbles and Cas hates that he's disappointed by it. What would he have done if Dean was being forward? Kiss him? Not likely. Even if he were to make a move, Dean would probably never forgive him for cheating on his brother, and chances are one of their nosey friends would walk in just in time to catch them. There's no winning, so why would he even bother. Only then Dean looks up at him with those bright green eyes and he remembers exactly why. 

"Are you thinking of trying it?" he asks, desperate to know what's going on in Dean's head. 

"Nah, not likely. I have a hard enough time finding one person to date." He laughs, but Cas can tell it's not genuine and he wants to tell him that anyone would be lucky to have him. Just as he's about to open his mouth, Sam comes back to the van, herding their drunk friends inside. 

Dean goes quiet immediately and Cas resigns himself to being a good fiance and not telling Dean just how sexy and funny and charming he is. He _is_ however, going to have words with Sam when they get back to the cabin because if Dean's not coming onto him, he's asking about open relationships for a reason and if Sam's gonna fuck this all up, Cas won't hesitate to tell Dean the truth.


	6. Chapter 6

He finds Sam in the kitchen alone and he double checks to make sure no one else is around before cornering him. Sam looks unconcerned, but when Cas doesn't return his smile he puts down the mug in his hand and leans against the counter, crossing his ankles. 

"What's up?"

"Why is your brother asking me if we've ever considered an open relationship?"

"Maybe he's into you," Sam jokes and despite the irritation seething through him, Cas aches for that to be true. But it's not and there's another reason Dean's asking these questions. 

"Right," he says, unamused. 

"Cas, it's nothing. He asked about an open relationship - he still thinks we're together." _Oh_. He thinks this is about the bet. 

"Sam, what happened?" Sam rolls his eyes and for a minute, Cas can see the resemblance between the brothers. "I was talking to the bartender earlier and Dean walked out-"

" _Sam_."

"I talked to a girl, Cas. Sue me."

"I'm not playing this game if you're just going to go and fuck it up for both of us."

"I don't know what you care so much about," Sam shakes his head, "you could go and talk to Kali yourself if you really wanted to."

"And you could fuck my brother and get it over with, but I don't tell you how to live your life." That, at least, causes Sam to pause with a horrified expression on his face and Cas has to resist rolling his eyes. 

"Why do you care so much?"

"Because I'm just as sick of Gabriel chasing after you, but I'm more sick of you pretending like it's the worst thing that's ever happened to you."

"So what? Why is this so important to you anyway? It's not like you're losing out on anything."

Cas goes silent and Sam's expression softens. He can't bring himself to say anything because he can't tell Sam about Dean - that's not his story to tell, not at least to Sam. He sighs and drops back against the counter, crossing his arms over his chest. 

"I have a lot riding on this too, you know. It's not only you that stands to lose something."

"Like what?"

"There's someone I never told you about," Cas admits. "It's nothing, really, but I think he knows about you and me and it's ruining any chance I might have with him." 

"Hey, don't worry about it. It's not like anyone but our friends are gonna find out about the engagement. If anything comes up, I'll explain it to him when we get home."

"Mmhm." 

Dean walks by the kitchen just as Cas turns and his heart sinks; whatever Sam thinks, there's no coming back from this and avoiding a date with Gabriel isn't worth it. He turns away without another word because if he's not careful he'll end up saying too much and he doesn't want to make things any worse than they are. 

He passes Gabriel on his way outside to think and he mutters a hushed, _what do you even see in Sam?_ before huffing irritably and making for the door.

\- - - - -

That evening, everyone sits around in the living room and when Dean strolls in the first thing he sees is Sam with his arm around Cas' shoulders. He does his best to ignore it, but even Meg notices the pause in speech when he walks up. He takes a seat between her and Jo leaning back into the couch cushions.

No one's doing much but talking and Dean doesn't have anything to say, so he just sits and listens and tries to avoid the entire left-hand side of the room. He doesn't try to be petty, but it's hard not to when he feels nauseous every time he sees Cas and Sam together. He wants to be the one curled up with Cas, he wants to be the one looking forward to a life together with him - something that surprises even him considering their short time together. 

Meg elbows him and Dean turns to her with a frown, but the look she gives him is questioning and when he looks up, she's not the only one. 

"You okay?" Sam asks and Dean nods awkwardly.

"Sorry, just thinking. What's up?"

"Skiing tomorrow?" Charlie asks and he nods. "

"Yeah, sure. Could be fun."

Cas flashes a soft smile in his direction and Dean pretends not to see him because that's the only way he's going to make it through this night. Around him, the conversation bubbles back up again and he listens to some of it - mostly the rest of the plans for tomorrow, but he tends to tune out when Cas or Sam talk. 

It's worse though when they whisper between themselves, and when they head to bed, Dean can't take it any longer. Thinking about your brother having sex is bad enough when it's with someone you don't know, but thinking about him with Cas is too much. Luckily for him, everyone else is getting tired too, and after agreeing to get up for nine the following morning, the others start heading to bed and Dean doesn't have to ditch out again. 

He still heads to bed before Meg and Jo, but he's also starting to believe they run on no sleep whatsoever, and he says goodnight to them both before heading upstairs. Skiing will be fun tomorrow; getting some fresh air will be good for them. 

Alone in his room, Dean doesn't even try to sleep. Being miserable is exhausting and his friends are starting to notice and the last thing he wants is to bring them down when they finally all get together again. Starting tomorrow, he's going to be happy; he's going to talk to Sam and tell him how happy he is for him and he's going to be friends with Cas - no more sulking and feeling bad for himself. He inhales deeply, shutting his eyes as he pulls his shirt up over his head. 

This will be good for him; he should have been over Cas months ago, it was just a weekend fling, nothing more. Just because he got overly attached doesn't mean anything. He remembers Cas talking about feelings and it makes him feel less bad about having feelings for so long, but he astutely pushes the thought out of his mind and refuses to think about it. Cas has moved on and he's happy now and though it might be weird knowing what his brother-in-law looks like naked, at least he knows he likes the guy. 

As he gets ready for bed, he considers that there will be a wedding to come and he doesn't know what Cas wants, but he's sure Sam doesn't want a big celebration, just something small with close family and friends - like the group they're with now. He'll help, however, Sam needs him to, because that's what really matters; as long as Sam is happy, Dean's happy.

-

When he wakes up in the morning, Dean's resolve isn't quite as strong as it was the night before, but he's determined. He strolls downstairs in his pyjamas and the only other person who's up is Jo - shocker. She's sitting at the kitchen table leaning over a book and a mug of coffee. Dean pulls out the chair next to her and sits down.

"Do you ever sleep?" he asks and she chuckles. 

"Sometimes. Not often. I made coffee."

"Thanks," Dean says, accepting the invitation for what it is. He pushes out of his chair and just as he's stirring sugar into his mug, Sam's yawning face appears next to the fridge. "Morning," Dean grins. 

"Coffee?" Sam replies. Dean huffs a bemused laugh and pulls a second mug from the cupboard, sliding it across to Sam so he can add his own cream. "Thanks."

"You sleep okay?" Dean asks and Sam levels him with a questioning squint. 

"You're cheery this morning."

"Slept well, Jo already had coffee - can't complain." 

"Okay. Yeah, I slept alright. Cas is still in bed, I swear he's worse than you." 

There's an instant flashback to arguing who was going to be the one to get out of bed and get coffee - immediately followed by neither of them moving at all - but Dean thinks about something else. 

"Hey, uh-" he rubs the back of his head and looks down at the floor. "Hey I know I haven't' been the most supportive lately, but I wanted to tell you I'm really happy for you and Cas. I'm sorry I didn't say it sooner, but I am."

Sam looks like he's trying to figure out _why_ he's saying all this, and Dean might be worried, but Sam doesn't know anything, so it's fine. Still, he's a little offended that his only brother doesn't just assume he'd be happy for him. 

"Thanks," Sam says softly. "I appreciate it. I'd like for you and Cas to get to know each other a little better, too." The words sound like they take some effort for him to say and Dean just quirks an eyebrow at him, mostly to prevent him from spitting coffee all over Sam because _what a choice of words_. 

"Yeah, for sure." 

It's easier, he realizes, if he doesn't think of Cas as being Cas. It gets awkward when he shows up for breakfast in a pair of loose-fitting flannel pants and presses himself into Sam's side - but Dean'll get over it. He and Charlie make French toast for breakfast and he joins in with the conversation while he eats. No one mentions his mood change, but they seem to notice - Cas especially, seems pleased to see him smiling again. 

Things start to go downhill when they head out. Everyone else has been skiing before - everyone but Dean. He's slow, and he's constantly tripping over himself, so Sam and Cas stay back so the others can carry on at their own speed. It's good because it means he has some time with Cas and Sam to let himself adjust to, well, _Cas and Sam_. What's less great is when Gabriel calls for Sam and he speeds up, breaking away from Dean and Cas.

It's not being alone with Cas that bothers him, but the fact that Cas is perfectly at home on skis and Dean feels like a baby cow who's just learning to walk. Cas is patient as Dean struggles along next to him, but part of him wants to tell Cas to go on ahead too because he feels bad. 

"Hey, you uh-" he flounders and Cas speeds ahead, cutting him off and stopping him. 

"I'm not going to leave you back here on your own if that's what you're thinking. You can let Sam think we don't know each other Dean, but I want to make this work. I like you, I'm not going to let you struggle back here on your own."

"Thanks," Dean deadpans and Cas huffs a laugh. 

"You know what I mean."

"I think I'm actually gonna head back. I'm not really having a great time. You go ahead and meet the others. If you can, text me when you're heading home, I'll make apple cider or something."

"Are you sure?" Cas asks and Dean tells himself he's imagining the disappointment in his voice. 

"Yeah. Go catch up with Sam, I'll be fine on my own."

Cas smiles at him before turning away and heading in the same direction Sam went. Dean lets out a sigh of relief; skiing might be great if you know what you're doing, but he's much happier to be heading back to the house. 

He gets halfway there before he realizes the cabin is locked and Jo has the keys. Stupid of him to assume he wouldn't go back without her, but here he is. He texts Cas to let him know he's coming to get the keys, but when he turns, his ski catches on something and he trips. 

There's a sharp pain that shoots through his ankle and then he's on his ass in the snow in the snow. It's fine, he figures, he just rolled his ankle, so he unhooks himself from the skis and uses his poles to push himself up. Except the pain in his ankle is excruciating and he ends up right back where he started. Fucking great, this is just what he needed. His phone vibrates and when he reaches for it, he realizes it's a foot away in the snow, only visible because of the backlight. 

Groaning, he shuffles over to get it, hoping that the waterproofing is good enough that the snow won't cause any damage. There's a text from Cas asking how far away he is and saying he'll just bring the keys to him. It's like he wants to make Dean suffer. 

The most prideful part of him wants to tell Cas not to come, to ask him to send Sam or to just text Sam without him knowing because he doesn't want Cas to find him like this. The snow is seeping through his pants and he's all but useless, plopped in the middle of nowhere with a bum foot. Sighing, he sets his pride aside and responds to Cas' last message.

_> > So, minor problem. _

There's nothing for a few minutes and Dean thinks he's going to have to wait for Cas to find him on his own, then suddenly, _**what's wrong?**_

_> > I'm kinda stuck. _

_> > Don't tell the others, but I need your help._

_**< < Dean are you okay?** _

_> > Mostly._

_**< < Shit.** _

_**< < I'll be right there.** _

To his credit, Cas is quick; it's only a few minutes before he arrives and when he sees Dean he frowns and drops to his knees instantly.

"What did you do?"

"Twisted my ankle or something, I don't know."

"Can I look at it?"

Dean frowns down at his boot and looks back at Cas. There's no way he's getting that off without hurting himself more, and as much as he might trust Cas, he's not totally on board with this idea. 

"I just want to get back to the cabin."

"Okay," Cas nods.

Cas crouches down, curling an arm around Dean's back and helps him to his feet. Dean winces when he accidentally puts weight on his bad foot, but Cas catches him and it's not quite so bad. It is difficult getting the skis back, and Dean considers just leaving them there, but Cas assures him he can handle them and Dean doesn't argue. 

They make it back to the cabin without further incident, but Dean's pride is bruised and he just wants to get away from Cas so he can sulk on his own without anyone trying to take care of him. His room, however, is upstairs and right now he can barely walk from the back door to the kitchen counter without stumbling, so that's out of the question. 

Cas sits him down at the table and Dean measures the distance between himself and the couch while Cas gets his snow pants off and deals with the skis. Dean thinks he's got a chance, but the second he gets up, Cas rises in front of him, looking very much like a teacher who's caught him trying to sneak out of class. 

"I-" he starts, but Cas just sighs at him and Dean plops himself back down onto the chair. 

"You have to get out of these clothes," Cas tells him as if he hasn't considered that already despite the fact that his ass is practically freezing off. 

"I can't," he says - a harmless, very valid point that he can't imagine will get him into any more trouble than he's already in. 

"I don't expect you to," Cas says offhandedly, taking the skis and his own gear to put them away in the closet. Dean watches after him, replaying Cas' words in his head and hoping he doesn't mean what it sounds like. When Cas returns, Dean eyes him closely and Cas just shakes his head as he kneels down in front of him. 

"We have to get your boot off." 

Dean opens his mouth to protest, but Cas is already moving his ankle and the words die on his tongue. He balls his hand into a fist against the pain and tries not to focus on it as he tugs the boot off of his foot. It falls to the floor and when Dean looks down at his foot, Cas is looking up at him, concerned. 

"It's really swollen," he says and Dean wants to tell him no shit because it's huge, but he just shrugs. The last person he wants worrying over him, especially right now, is Cas. 

"It's fine. I just need to rest it for a bit." He pulls away and tugs his other boot off before pushing himself to his feet. Cas sighs loudly but doesn't try to stop him and he just watches as Dean hobbles from the table to the island. He pauses for a second to steady himself because he doesn't want Cas to know how bad it really is. 

He makes it as far as the couch before realizing his clothes are still soaked and he doesn't want to sit in wet clothes all night, but he can't exactly get to his other clothes. Even if he could make it up the stairs, he doesn't think Cas would let him. 

He leans against the back of the couch and struggles for a few minutes before Cas crosses over to him, huffing his irritation. He pushes Dean's hands out of the way and Dean doesn't want to admit he's glad for the help because it's weird letting Cas take his pants off. He shuts his eyes and pretends the hands on his aren't Cas' because this is all too much, but with everything else going on, why the hell not?

"This is weird," Cas says quietly and when Dean opens his eyes, Cas is watching him closely. "I never meant for things to turn out this way, especially not during this trip." Dean nods.

"Can we just forget about it? Just get my pants off so I can lie down." Cas chuckles softly and a grin spreads over Dean's face despite himself. 

"Still bossy," Cas comments. 

"Whatever," Dean huffs. He can't bring himself to look at Cas because he can see him smiling out of the corner of his eye and this is already weird. 

Cas gets the snow pants off and Dean moves to pull away, but Cas stops him, slipping his fingers through Dean's belt loops. Dean pulls back, grabbing Cas' wrist to stop him. 

"Bad idea," he breathes and something like recognition flickers behind Cas' eyes before being replaced with impatience. 

"Dean, you're hurt already, I don't need you catching pneumonia as well because you're too stubborn to take your pants off. Which is something I never thought I'd have to say to you, but here we are. Let me take your pants off."

"And if Sam walks through that door right now?"

"Then he'll take one look at your ankle and realize you can't do it on your own."

"Fine. Whatever."

If every conversation they have goes this badly, Dean doesn't think they'll ever be able to get along properly. Family holidays are gonna suck. 

Cas gets him out of his jeans and Dean draws the line there, shifting to get around him before Cas starts making any more suggestions. He flops onto the couch and shifts down until he can rest his foot on the opposite arms of the couch. Cas seems to be satisfied with this and he bundles up Dean's clothes and takes them away to the laundry room. Dean breathes a sigh of relief to finally be alone again, and settles into the corner of the couch, tucking a cushion behind his head. It'll be fine; he just needs to rest his ankle for a little bit and the swelling will go down and he'll be fine by morning. 

It's not fine by morning - he doesn't even get that far before Cas starts worrying over him again. It's been maybe an hour - he passed out, he's allowed - and when Cas jostles him awake, he's got dry clothes for him and there's a table with soup and a glass of water for him, too. Cas doesn't spend much time talking to him though, because the second Dean's eyes open, he's down at the other end of the couch, frowning at Dean's ankle. 

"How does it feel?"

"Not great," Dean deadpans. 

"Obviously. Does it feel any worse?"

"Not really," Dean shrugs but as he tries to shift to sit up, pain shoots through his ankle and he winces. 

"It looks worse," Cas sighs. "I'm taking you to emergency."

"Cas, that's-" _crazy, stupid, totally unnecessary._ "You don't have to do that."

"Actually, I do. What if it's broken?"

"It's not."

"You don't know that and besides, that's not the point." Cas moves out of his line of vision and Dean wonders if maybe he's won this round, but then Cas is back, sitting on the edge of the couch with his phone in his hands. "I texted Sam to tell him we won't be here when they get back, now sit up so I can get you dressed."

Dean rolls his eyes and tugs his blanket up over his shoulders. He doesn't need to go anywhere. Cas shoots him an expectant look and Dean just stares blankly back at him. 

"I'm not going."

" _Dean_."

"Why are you doing this?"

Cas just huffs like Dean is the most frustrating person he's ever had to deal with. "Because Dean, just because I'm engaged to your brother doesn't mean I don't care for you. So shut up, sit up and let me take care of you." 

The outburst stuns Dean and when he looks up at Cas, he's still wearing the same determined expression. Dean looks away as he pulls himself up and he doesn't even argue as Cas helps him into his sweatpants and jacket. He doesn't say it out loud, but when Dean's upright, the pain is definitely worse and if he wasn't so stubborn, he might thank Cas for making him get it checked out. 

Getting out to the van is something of a feat because the stairs are slippery and Dean nearly trips down the first one. Cas stops for a second in what Dean assumes is a chance to let him catch his balance, but he's proven wrong when he's suddenly scooped up and carried the rest of the way down to the van. Cas doesn't so much as hesitate and there might still be snow on the ground, but Dean feels like he's fallen into the sun for how hot he is now. If he wasn't embarrassed to the point of self-destruction before, he certainly is now. 

Once Dean is safely inside the van, Cas runs back up to the cabin to grab a couple of books or anything to keep them occupied in the emergency room, because who knows how long they'll be waiting. Dean's thankful he thought of it now, but it reminds him of how much time he's going to have to spend alone with Cas with not much else to do. With everything else that's happened, this is just the icing on the cake.

-

The hospital is about as fun as can be expected only thirty times worse. When they arrive, Cas sits him down and goes to speak to the receptionist himself so he doesn't have to get up, which is thoughtful and Dean appreciates it until he goes to find them coffee - in theory, also thoughtful. Only then, the nurse comes over to him with the insurance form and to check him in properly and mistakes Cas for his partner.

"Oh no-" he starts, "we're just- he's my-" he looks up at the nurse and she just apologizes for the mistake before leaving Dean blushing furiously with a hospital clipboard in his hands. This isn't at all how he wanted to spend his day. 

When Cas gets back, he's got two paper cups in his hands though he doesn't seem particularly pleased with them and he sits down next to Dean, offering him a sympathetic look along with the coffee. It doesn't matter what it tastes like, Dean's thankful for it and he accepts with a soft smile. He doesn't deserve Cas' kindness; anyone who can still find themselves thinking about their brother's fiance in the way he does doesn't deserve this level of kindness from anyone.

The coffee, at least, is as terrible as Cas made it seem. 

Two hours into their wait, Dean realizes he's passed out again when his foot twitches and hits the chair next to him. His eyes flash open and he realizes with a start that he's lying in Cas' lap. At first, he doesn't move because he feels guilty for falling asleep on him, but he realizes Cas has an arm around him while he reads and he can't bring himself to move. Cas' fingers move against his arm and Dean shuts his eyes again. He knows he doesn't deserve it, but Cas is soft and warm and it's not like he's really doing anything wrong, all he's doing is accepting what Cas is already offering. 

Despite his justification, Dean only lets himself relax for a couple of minutes before pushing himself up and leaning back in his seat. 

"Hey," Cas smiles, quickly retracting his arm, "how are you feeling?"

"Tired, sore, annoyed." He drops his head back against the wall and sighs. "Sorry. I do appreciate you driving me."

"Hopefully it won't be too much longer."

\- - - - -

It's another couple of hours before they're out of the waiting room and in to see another nurse, who promptly tells them that their wait was fairly short and it takes everything in Cas not to ask in who's world four and a half hours is a short wait. He stands off to the side as Dean relays his story to the nurse and then the doctor and his final diagnosis is a sprained ankle. Cas knew that already, but the prescription for painkillers makes him feel better about the wait.

Sam's been texting him on and off to see how Dean's doing and he's thankful for it because it keeps him from worrying too much about Dean - something he really needs to work on. He can hardly be blamed for it though, when he was the first one Dean texted and the only one so far who's been able to help him. 

At least when they leave the hospital, there's a wheelchair for them to use so he doesn't have to carry Dean out to the van again. Not that he wouldn't, given the necessity. 

He gets Dean into the van then takes the wheelchair back into the emergency room, and by the time he gets back to the van, Dean's found the cooler of mixed drinks they left and he's drinking in the front seat. Cas can't really blame him considering the circumstances, but he gives him a look anyway. 

"We're filling your prescription before we go back up to the cabin," he says, trying to be less blunt about it. Dean catches his meaning anyway and shrugs. 

"We came up here to ski and go hiking and whatever and I'm gonna be spending the next week on the couch. Forgive me."

"I only mean you shouldn't be taking medication with alcohol."

"Wouldn't be the first time."

Cas very nearly sighs at him, but he holds himself back; Dean has enough going on and he doesn't need Cas getting on his case on top of everything else. He doesn't say anything else, but he spends the drive to the pharmacy thinking how he can get Dean to delay taking his medication, at least for a little while. It doesn't work. 

They end up getting into a heated argument in the middle of the parking lot and earn more than a few stares. Cas feels like a dick, shouting at a guy on crutches, but he doesn't back down because he's just trying to do what's best for him. Cas stands his ground and Dean hobbles over to him, getting right up in his face and when Cas cocks an eyebrow at him, he pauses. 

For a second, his expression softens and his gaze drops, but before Cas can figure out where he's looking, Dean's snatched the bag away from him and he starts away toward the van. Cas just sighs, but maybe by the time Dean's off his head, he can leave him for Sam to take care of. Realistically, he knows he won't; he cares too much and he's not just going to abandon Dean when he needs him, but the thought makes him feel better about being outwitted by someone on crutches. 

He sighs and relents, helping Dean back to the van and hoisting him up into his seat. The drive up is quiet to start, but when the medication kicks in, Dean won't shut up. He doesn't really hold a conversation, which Cas is okay with until he starts commenting on _him_. 

"D'you know you're beautiful?" he asks and Cas' fingers tighten around the wheel. They're about fifteen minutes from the cabin and he has to be careful what he says because as much as he doesn't want to deter Dean, that's exactly what he should be doing.

"Dean, I'm engaged."

"Didn't stop you from tryna kiss me."

_True_. "That was..." _what? a mistake?_ "A mistake." Dean rolls his head against the headrest, staring doubtfully at him. 

"Was last year a mistake?"

"No. Last year I wasn't with Sam." 

Dean mumbles something that sounds like _Sam doesn't deserve you_ , but Cas tries not to think too much about it. Dean falls mostly silent again and Cas manages to relax, but by the time they reach the cabin, Dean's staring quietly up at him. He looks so soft and sweet that Cas can barely bring himself to stop the van because Dean looks happy for the first time since the announcement and he pretends not to see the connection there. 

When he pulls up to the cabin Dean makes a grumbling sound and turns back toward the window. "I don't wanna go back."

"How come?"

"Wanna be with you."

Cas chuckles to cover the way his stomach flips and he leans over to undo Dean's seatbelt for him. "You can still be with me. We'll find a movie to watch or something."

"'S not what I meant."

Cas is trying. He's really trying to keep it together and Dean's not making it easy; whether he's trying to make him feel guilty or is just drunk he doesn't know, but it's hard enough being around him without Dean spouting off every single thought he has. 

He's too high to get himself out of the van so Cas sighs and helps him out, but Dean is as helpful as a cooked noodle and Cas ends up carrying him back up the stairs. It's the opposite of what he should be doing - especially when Dean cuddles close and presses his face into Cas' neck. 

"Next time you're not drinking before you take your meds."


	7. Chapter 7

When they get inside, Cas is glad to find the others don't seem to be back yet - Gabriel at least, and Jo has been driving him up the wall since the announcement. She's constantly trying to trip him up and get him to admit the whole thing is fake, and the last thing he needs right now is for her to see him carrying Dean to the couch. He's considered telling her the truth so he can have someone theoretically less judgemental than Meg to talk to about the whole situation. But Jo's still better friends with Dean and there's no denying Dean's been off since finding out about the engagement. Likely, he'd end up taking the blame for that and making things worse for himself. 

Upon further inspection, he finds a note saying the others headed out to a little diner down the hill and they'll bring food home for them. Dean is nearly unconscious now and Cas reluctantly lays him down on the couch, crouching down next to him to pull off his boot before draping a blanket over him. Dean rolls over to look at him, squinting and Cas smiles down at him.

"I'm gonna get your crutches from the van and I'll be back, okay?" 

Dean nods but as soon as Cas' back is turned, Dean grabs his hand, tugging gently. Cas turns to look at him, expecting Dean to ask for something, but he's just smiling dopily up at him. 

"Thanks," he mumbles. "You don't have to do all this."

"I know," Cas says, reaching down before he can think better of it. He runs his fingers through Dean's hair and Dean turns back onto his back, pulling his phone out of his pocket. 

Cas leaves him there, shoving his hands into his pockets to keep from doing something else he shouldn't be. He heads out to the van, but stops at the bottom of the stairs, sitting on the only bare patch of stone he can find. All of this was a terrible idea and his strength of character isn't as good as he was hoping. For a few minutes, he sits and clears his head, hoping that their friends will show up to save him from being alone with the one person he shouldn't be alone with. 

They don't, and soon enough Cas actually has to get the crutches and return to the cabin, because if Dean needs anything, he's in no state to get it for himself. Cas makes his way back up the stairs and when he opens the door he can hear Dean mumbling to himself. He leans the crutches up against the couch where Dean can reach them if he needs them. It's getting late and neither of them has eaten anything decent so he decides to make dinner; even if their friends bring food home for them, it's going to be late and Dean's already on the verge of falling asleep. 

Cas starts in on making pasta, leaving the noodles to boil so he can go to check on Dean. Dean's half-asleep on the couch now, with his phone sitting on his chest and Cas smiles sadly down at him as he lifts Dean's phone to move it out of the way. When he picks it up, it vibrates in his hand and instinctively, Cas looks down to see who it is. A message flashes across the top of the screen, and he doesn't mean to read it, but he sees his own name and freezes. 

_Charlie: who's so beautiful? Cas?_

Dean's not sober, he reminds himself. Just because he's saying these things - _presumably_ saying these things - doesn't mean he means them. People say a lot of things when they're drunk. 

He sets the phone on the arm of the couch, resolving to put the message out of his mind, but then Dean grabs his arm again, tugging hard enough that Cas is forced to crouch down next to him. Dean turns so they're face to face and Cas is worried for a second that he might try to kiss him because he's got that look again and Cas isn't sure he could bring himself to stop him if he did. 

"Why're you taking care of me."

"Because I care about you," Cas says honestly. "You're hurt and you can't do it yourself. Sit up for a second?" 

Dean struggles to sit up on his own and Cas helps him adjust so he can lean against the back of the couch. Cas reaches around to pull Dean's jacket back off of his shoulders and Dean leans into him, humming softly as he lets Cas undress him. 

"Any chance you wanna leave Sammy and marry me instead?"

Cas freezes for a second, trying to figure out if he heard him right and he breathes slowly, pulling Dean's jacket off and folding it over the back of the couch. He gets him settled back down again, but Dean's still looking at him expectantly. Cas tugs the blanket up over his shoulders, taking the moment to run a hand down Dean's arm. 

"Ask me again when you're not high on pain meds and we'll see." 

Dean smiles crookedly at him before curling a hand in Cas' shirt and tugging him down, kissing him full on the lips. "Shoulda taken the chance when I had it."

"What do you mean?" Cas asks. He's breathless but he doesn't care because high or not, that's a very specific thing to say and if Dean feels the same as he does, he just might tear the whole charade down. Dean doesn't respond though, and when Cas checks, he's unconscious. 

The water on the stove boils over, pulling Cas out of his reverie, but even as he goes back to finish dinner, he's jittery because if Dean does have feelings for him, even after all this time, he's a bigger idiot than he thought.

-

Later that night, Cas is still caught up in thinking about everything, but Dean is asleep and he doesn't want to wake him up to talk, even though he really does. Meg is doing her best to keep him occupied, whether she knows it or not, doing a puzzle she found in the closet. Cas has maybe put three pieces in altogether, and Meg is losing her patience. He doesn't notice it at first because he's thinking about the kiss, trying to figure out why Dean did it in the first place because he hasn't said anything about it. Not even after Cas' slip up the other day.

Meg kicks him under the table and Cas looks up to her with a frown. "What?"

"I asked you a question."

"Oh. What?"

"I said what's up with you tonight?"

Cas shrugs. "It's nothing. Well, no. Dean kissed me earlier. He's high," he adds when Meg's jaw drops. 

"What happened?"

"I was just taking care of him and he told me he should have taken the chance when he had it and then he kissed me."

Meg considers that for a second, shaking her head slowly. "How do you feel about it?"

"I'm marrying Sam, it doesn't matter how I feel."

"Cas, I'm not gonna say anything, just tell me the truth."

Cas sighs and leans hard on the table. "I wanted to kiss him."

"Do you think maybe you're rushing into this thing with Sam," Meg says gently. Cas frowns at her, but she considers. "Think about it, none of your friends even knew you were dating and all of a sudden you're engaged? How long after Dean did you meet him?"

"About five months," Cas mumbles and it's one of the most honest things he's said in days. 

"You weren't even over Dean at that point." Cas wants to tell her that he never really got over Dean, but the point is moot. "Maybe it would be good for you to spend some time alone." The implication is that he should leave Sam and not be with Dean and that's too much to wrap his head around at the moment. 

"Can I tell you something?" he asks and Meg nods quietly. "All of this is just-" he stops as Gabriel walks into the kitchen, looking up to see how much he heard. Apparently nothing, by the way he strolls over. 

"Dean's awake, we're gonna watch a movie if you want to come. Or you can keep doing your puzzle." Meg rolls her eyes at him and Cas just sighs in defeat.

Gabe starts rifling through the cupboards and Meg gets up to join him, so Cas assumes the moment is over and he heads into the living room to see how Dean is doing. 

He nudges Dean's good leg out of the way and sits down on the edge of the couch, facing him. "How are you feeling?" he asks quietly. 

"I've got a bit of a headache, but okay I guess." He offers up a half-smile and Cas grins back. He wants to ask if Dean remembers anything from before, but Sam walks in at that exact moment, coming around behind him and wrapping an arm around Cas' shoulders. 

Sam dips down to kiss the top of his head and Cas has to hold himself back from physically retracting. He doesn't miss the way Dean looks away and it only makes it more difficult to lean into Sam. This is stupid; he shouldn't be so uncomfortable around Sam, but it just feels wrong with Dean right there. Thankfully Sam is more concerned about his brother and he moves on fairly quickly, leaving Cas to slip away and go sit with Jo instead. 

Cas is emotionally exhausted and he ends up falling asleep halfway through the movie leaning against the couch. When he wakes up, Dean's awake above him and Jo's asleep in his lap. He looks up briefly and Dean smiles at him, tipping his head down as Cas shuts his eyes. He wants Dean to kiss him. At this point, it would just make things easier because he wouldn't be sabotaging them and he'd still be able to get out of this stupid bet - albeit without a meeting with a publisher. He waits, but Dean just shifts back into a more comfortable position. 

He falls asleep again and the next time he wakes up is to Sam shaking his shoulders. Jo is gone when he blinks into consciousness and Dean is fast asleep above him. 

"You gonna come to bed some time tonight?" Sam asks and Cas nods sleepily, taking Sam's offered hand and letting himself be pulled to his feet. He doesn't really want to go to bed, even though it's only down the hall because he wants to stay with Dean. At least when he's sleeping, he doesn't have to worry about what anyone is thinking about him and Sam. 

As he climbs into bed Cas considers again whether it's worth it to keep up this charade.

\- - - - -

No one will leave him alone. Yeah, he's injured, but that doesn't mean he needs to be looked after constantly. Not that he particularly minded when it was Cas looking after him. Every time someone new gets up they come to see how he's doing and ask if he needs anything and he doesn't; Charlie's getting him breakfast while he tries to stretch out a little. He gets around the living room before Charlie comes back with breakfast for both of them and sits down at the other end of the couch.

"Should we talk about those text messages yesterday?" 

All Dean remembers from yesterday is hurting himself and everything from the point they got home is a bit of a blur. He hasn't looked back through his messages and he's afraid to find out what he sent to Charlie. 

"Tell me," he sighs. 

"You were going off about Cas, about how beautiful he is and how Sam doesn't deserve him." She gives him a questioning look and Dean sighs. 

"Yeah, that sounds about right."

"Does it?"

"There's something I should probably tell you, but not here."

"You wanna go for a drive?"

"Yeah, anything that gets me out of this place for a few minutes."

Charlie grins at him. "There's a little park down the road, we could go and chat there, get you some fresh air."

"Sounds great. Give me twenty minutes to get dressed and we can go."

Charlie chuckles softly. "I'll go warm up the van."

-

The park is only a few minutes' drive from the cabin, but Dean is glad for the fresh air and the privacy. Spending nearly all of your time in the living room means getting very little alone time - especially when all your friends are concerned with your well-being. Charlie, at least, seems more concerned with what he has to tell her than whether or not he should be up and about.

They get out at the park and make for the little covered gazebo next to a lake that's been frozen over. She sits down on the table and Dean follows a little behind, plopping down to sit next to her. 

"So this thing you wanted to talk about," she starts, "is this what's been bothering you since we left?"

Dean frowns at her, but she's not wrong. "Yeah," he admits, "it's kinda awkward."

Charlie makes a face at him like she's worried about what's to come, but she doesn't tell him to stop. On the contrary, she crosses her arms over the back of the seat and rests her chin on them, looking up expectantly. 

"Do you believe in love at first sight?" Dean asks. Charlie wrinkles her nose. 

"Love? No. Lust? Definitely. I believe you can feel an immediate connection with someone, just not be _in love_ with them, not immediately."

"How long?" Dean asks, and that's all he gets out before his voice breaks and he has to shut his eyes and take a breath. "How long do you think it takes?"

"To fall in love with someone? I guess it depends on the person," Charlie says pointedly, raising her eyebrows at Dean. "Is this about Cas?"

Dean sighs and he can tell by the look on her face that she doesn't need confirmation, she just knows. "Cas I have history."

"I'm sorry, what? Sam's Cas? How are you just telling me this now?"

"I didn't think it was important. I didn't think he even remembered me. It was a couple of years back."

"Did you sleep with him?"

It's a relevant question and Dean inhales sharply, looking away as he mumbles yeah. He hates himself a little for it, even if it happened long before Sam and Cas' engagement. "It was last summer when I went to visit Sam. Cas and I met at a bar and we texted back and forth for a couple of days and ended up getting dinner one night." He shrugs, trying to hold back the feelings that accompany the memories, but Charlie notices anyway. 

"And?"

"And we ended up at his place one night and I had to leave pretty early because I lied to Sam about where I was going. I still saw him a couple more times after that, but I never got a last name or anything and I never got his number. The last time I saw him was the day I left Florida. I think about him all the time, but it doesn't matter anymore because now he's engaged to my brother."

"Oh, Dean."

"Yeah."

"You love him?"

"I don't know. I shouldn't. I shouldn't feel anything for him. I thought I'd just forget about him eventually, y'know? He was basically a one-night-stand and I figured I'd move on, but I didn't and I still think about him every day. I used to think about running into him again, but not like this."

"I'm sorry, Dean. Guess that explains why you've been so weird."

"Yeah. Didn't help that Jo was trying to throw him at me."

"Shit, I totally forgot about that."

"Yeah. Hey, can you just... not mention anything to Sam yet? I want to tell him myself, I just don't know what to say, especially if Cas hasn't brought it up." Charlie nods and rubs his shoulder soothingly. 

"Of course. Have you talked to Cas about it at all?"

"No. At first, I didn't think he even remembered me, and now it's just- it's weird because ever since I hurt my ankle, we've been closer, it almost feels like before without all the sex."

"Talk to him. Maybe he's feeling weird about the whole thing, too." 

"I don't know," Dean says automatically. He knows it's not entirely true; Cas as good as admitted he still has feelings for him and things have been too tense for anything else to be true, but he's not going to go and out Cas for having feelings for someone else. It does feel good to get all of this off his chest though, and he and Charlie decide to stay at the park for a little longer to enjoy the peace and quiet. 

When they get back to the cabin, no one seems to be around, but there are footsteps from up above and Dean finds a note on the table beside the couch. 

_Sam and I have gone out for a walk, I left your painkillers for you. **Please** only take one. No alcohol. We'll be back in a little while - C_

A warm feeling that spreads through Dean's chest and he grins down at the paper despite himself. It's been a long time since anyone cared for him like this; despite all the attention everyone's been giving him, Cas is the only one who actively makes sure he's comfortable and that he's drinking enough water or stretching his legs often enough. Annoying as it seems at the time, Dean is genuinely grateful for it. 

" _Talk to him_ ," Charlie whispers as she slips past him into the kitchen. 

"And what am I gonna do, ask him to marry me instead?"

"Obviously not," she rolls her eyes, "but maybe you'll both feel a little better if you talk to each other about how you're feeling."

"What do you mean both of us?”

Charlie looks from side to side then rolls her eyes and crosses back to Dean. "Cas has been off too. Meg says he's been pretty miserable this entire trip and she can't figure out why."

"Meg?" Dean asks and Charlie shrugs despite the sheepish look on her face. 

"What. We talk."

"Uh-huh. Maybe you should talk to her about how you're feeling."

"Very funny. Take your meds and lie down."

Dean huffs a laugh and makes himself comfortable, pulling the blanket up over himself. "G'night Charlie."

"Goodnight." 

After Charlie leaves, Dean lies awake for a while playing games on his phone because, once again, he can't sleep. It's not the pain because the meds have kicked in, but there's something just not quite right and he can't figure out what it is to fix it. Three or four times he repositions himself before getting up completely, swinging his legs over the edge of the couch and hobbling with some difficulty into the kitchen. 

He finds himself a bag of chips and grabs a drink from the fridge, bypassing the case in beer in favour of iced tea. He likes to pretend he's being responsible, but it's Cas' voice in his head telling him not to mix alcohol and medication. He finishes his snack, but he's still not even close to being tired, so he makes his way back to the couch and flops down on it. 

He's exhausted the internet of entertainment, so he scrolls through his photo gallery in an attempt to bore himself to sleep, but he pauses when he reaches the start of pictures from the trip. It's a picture of Charlie and Jo, but Cas is in the background, shirtless, and Dean has no recollection of taking it or even being there for it. He tries not to stare, but Cas is beautiful and no one will know the difference, right?

Dean thinks back to when the picture could have been taken, but all he can think of all of a sudden is skinny dipping in Florida and how it felt to have that tanned, toned body pressed against his own. It's definitely not when this was taken, but it does keep his mind off not being able to sleep, and Dean shuts his eyes and settles in, recalling that night. 

A grin spreads across his face as he thinks about it and for once the memory of Cas isn't tainted by guilt, so he lets himself enjoy it. Cas had called him in the middle of the night because he was bored and Dean was alone - albeit asleep - and he couldn't think of anything better to do than joining Cas at the beach. Even now, given the chance, he'd probably go hang out down at the beach if he could. 

He hadn't been there for more than a few minutes before Cas had him stripped down to the skin and even the memory of it sends shivers up his spine. He focuses his mind on the way Cas touched him that night, the faint brush of his fingers and lips, his hot breath on his skin. 

Heat rolls up the back of Dean's neck and he runs a hand down his stomach, settling on the soft rise of his cock through his sweatpants. His fingers move without his intention, running over his cock and squeezing gently. He doesn't mean to, but once he's started he can't stop, squeezing his cock and stroking himself through the fabric. 

His phone buzzes, startling him and Dean pulls his leg up instinctively, covering himself. He picks up his phone and there's a message from Cas. Normally, he'd be pleased, but right now, feeling the way he does, he's nervous about what it says. He clicks the message icon and opens it to find a very simple message. 

_**< < How are you feeling?** _

Dean actually types out _horny as fuck_ before backtracking and tapping out _not bad, can't sleep_. As soon as he sends it off, he thinks about Cas coming out to check on him and finding him with one hand wrapped around his dick, a surprisingly arousing thought. 

Cas is sleeping just around the corner and Dean's totally out in the open; if anyone were to come into the living room right now, they'd get an eyeful. He doesn't even care. The thought of Cas being so close just turns him on even more and there's nothing wrong with Cas seeing him like this, right? It would be an accident anyway, no one would be to blame. Except Dean wants him to stay, he wants Cas to watch him, to come over and fuck him over the back of the couch. A low moan escapes his throat and Dean bites his lip to keep quiet. 

He slips a hand into his pants, sliding up the length of his erection and _god_ , if it feels this good now, how would he feel with Cas' hands on him. His cock throbs and Dean squeezes himself harder, pulling up to play with the head. If he takes too long, he runs the risk of someone walking in on him, but on the other hand- He stops himself mid-thought because realistically, all that's going to happen if Cas walks in on him is it's going to be incredibly awkward and he's going to feel guilty about it. 

He pulls up to the head of his cock, squeezing slightly and rubbing just under the head. He lets out a low moan and continues, twisting around the head of his cock and touching himself softly. He wants to draw this out because he probably won't get another chance considering he can't even take a shower properly right now, but his body has other ideas and it barely takes a few touches before he's struggling not to just fuck up into his hand and take what he needs. 

His phone buzzes again and he imagines Cas sitting up in bed; he tries not to, but his mind wanders, imagining him naked running his hands down his chest and brushing up the length of his cock. Dean groans out loud, pressing his hands into the couch cushions as his cock jerks hard. 

Dean lets his eyes drop shut and he thinks back again, letting the memory of Cas encompass anything else. He pulls his cock out of his pants, imagining Cas' hands on him as he rubs under the head of his cock. Pre-come drips onto his hand and his cock twitches against his hand. It's been a while since he's had any time to himself and he knows he won't last long. 

Carefully, he rolls himself onto his stomach, carefully positioning his cock under him. He presses his hips down, grinding against the mattress and he groans into the cushion, curling his fingers around the edge of it. He's faintly aware of his phone buzzing again, but his orgasm hits and everything else becomes background noise. 

As soon as his body relaxes, the guilt sets in. He's already drifting off, but he's conscious enough to know he shouldn't be thinking about his future brother-in-law when he jerks off and now he has to get up and walk right by his room to go and clean up. He lays still for a minute with his face in the cushion, wallowing in guilt before eventually pushing himself up off the couch. He tucks his cock back into his pants, cringing at the feeling of it, and makes his way slowly to the bathroom. At the very least, he managed not to have anyone walk in on him and now he's exhausted - all he has to do is get cleaned up and pass out. 

He's just opened the bathroom door when Cas comes out of his room, blinking against the hall light. Dean freezes when he sees him which does nothing to hide the fact that he's still hard and his pants are probably wet. He spares the briefest glance to check, confirming his suspicion, and Cas' gaze follows. 

Dean considers how far he'd get if he tried to hitchhike out of here. 

When Cas meets his eyes again, he looks a little sheepish and Dean knows he's not stupid to pretend like this is anything other than what it is. 

"I was just coming to see if you were okay," he explains. "You didn't reply to my last two messages."

"Yeah, sorry, I-'' he doesn't have a good explanation. Thankfully, Cas just nods. He steps back and ducks back into his room and Dean hesitates for a second, leaning in the bathroom doorway, before calling out to him again. Cas peeks back out into the hall and Dean offers up a bashful smile. "Hey, uh, thanks for checking up on me."

"Of course, Dean. Sleep well."

"Yeah, you too, Cas." 

As Dean shuts the bathroom door, he's struck with the overwhelming urge to follow Cas into the bedroom and kiss him breathless, even if he is sharing a room with Sam. He shakes it off and sets himself to washing up. Briefly, he considers trying to have a bath, but the outcome of that would be either waking everyone else up, or Cas hearing him and coming in to stop him. Both are less than ideal, so he washes up quickly and maybe he'll have a bath at a more reasonable time.


	8. Chapter 8

Dean wakes up to Gabriel going on about something in the kitchen. He tries to pull his pillow over his head, but Gabe's rambling is loud enough that he's awake now and not likely getting back to sleep. He'd be annoyed enough if it was late, but it's barely seven and Dean didn't get to bed for a long time last night, rethinking every second of his encounter with Cas. He's concluded that even running into Sam would have been less awkward, so now he's embarrassed, dreading having to face Cas, and he's awake after only a couple hours of sleep. 

A few of them are heading into town to go skating today, which explains why they're up so early, but Dean is not going and was, in fact, looking forward to sleeping in and hopefully spending the day by himself - both plans were dashed before he even got through breakfast when Charlie informed him that she and Jo were staying home. 

Now Dean's on his third cup of coffee, his second awkward conversation of the day - the first being him trying to explain with any validity why he didn't sleep last night - and he just wants to go back to sleep. 

"If it's too hard for you to go upstairs, why don't you just stay with Cas and me?" Sam suggests and immediately all eyes are on Sam. Truthfully, it is an odd offer, but Gabe and Cas are both looking at him like he's insane. Jo looks too pleased for her own good and Dean can expect a follow-up conversation about how Cas and Sam are clearly scheming something. 

"Yeah, I don't think so," Dean says. As if his life isn't awkward enough right now. The last thing he needs is to share a room with Cas and Sam. They aren't particularly affectionate most of the time, but things can be different when you're alone and Dean _really_ doesn't want to find that out for himself. Sam just seems put out by his refusal. 

"So what, you're just going to sleep on the couch the whole time?"

"It's not like I _want_ to, but there's one bedroom downstairs and you're currently occupying it."

"Well, what if it's just Cas?" Sam suggests. Everyone stares at him again and Gabriel's surprise morphs into a smug grin. "I just mean," he adds, addressing Gabriel directly. "It might be more comfortable for Dean if he's not sharing with both of us and I know Cas has been taking care of you."

Dean hates the way that sounds like he's incapable of doing anything just because he hurt his ankle, but Cas flashes a brief, sheepish grin at him and he doesn't mind so much. 

"You know you don't have to," Dean says, "I can take care of myself."

"I don't mind," Cas replies, "and after the first day, I'm not sure I believe you."

"Whatever," Dean mutters, but he can feel himself blush as Cas' grin spreads across his face. 

"Why not," Gabe grins, looking between Cas and Sam, "it'll give you time to get to know your future brother-in-law." 

Jo mumbles something indistinct, but Dean knows it has something to do with their relationship being carefully orchestrated and Charlie elbows her. Dean just rolls his eyes and Charlie grins at him. 

"So what do you think?" Sam asks and Dean doesn't say that he thinks Cas has been suspiciously quiet this whole time. 

"I don't know. Cas, you okay with all of this?" 

"If it makes you more comfortable, of course." It absolutely does not, but the couch isn't great for his back and Dean's starting to dislike the lack of privacy. "Plus," Cas adds, "if Sam and I want time alone, your room is empty now."

Dean pretends not to know what _time alone_ means and stuffs a forkful of eggs into his mouth so he doesn't have to respond to that. It's settled then, presumably, looks like he's got himself a roommate. 

After breakfast, Charlie helps him upstairs so they can get his things together because it's getting tiring having to have someone get him clothes every single morning because he doesn't want to struggle up the stairs. Sam takes his stuff upstairs and then it's done. For something so simple as switching bedrooms, Dean's panicking. He didn't think this through properly and now he has to spend every night just a few feet away from Cas. 

Once all his things are moved, he sits on the bed looking out the window; it's snowing out and he would love to go into town and go skating with everyone else. But skating isn't an option and sitting and watching doesn't sound like nearly as much fun. He'll probably sit outside on the porch and read, providing Charlie and Jo don't have other plans for them. 

Just before the others leave, Jo changes her mind and decides to go with them. Charlie's driving them into town so Dean will have a little while to himself and he's just considering how to spend his time when Cas comes into the living room and plops himself down on the couch next to him. 

"Aren't you going skating?" Dean asks. 

"No," Cas says casually, "I don't really feel like going out today."

"Ah." He should probably have something better to say - a suggestion for how to pass the time or something, but anything he can think of is inappropriate so he keeps his mouth shut. 

"Charlie and I are gonna play a game when she gets back, do you want to play?"

"I'm just gonna sit outside and read, I think. Still kinda tired."

Cas frowns at him. "It's cold outside."

"I'll be alright."

As it turns out, he's absolutely not alright. After falling asleep mid-chapter, Dean wakes up with his blanket on the patio and he's freezing. He bundles up his stuff and heads back inside to have a bath to warm up. 

The bathroom light is on, but he doesn't think anything of it until he pushes the door open and walks straight into a very naked Cas, who's towel drying his hair and doesn't even notice he's not alone until Dean steps backward right into the doorway. 

" _Fuck_ ," he groans, shifting so his weight is on his good foot. Cas looks at him and Dean keeps his eyes locked on Cas' to stop himself from looking _anywhere else_. "I'm sorry," he mumbles, rushed, "I didn't know you were in here." 

He doesn't know what to say because the last time he was faced with Cas full-frontal, he spent the night getting pounded into a hotel mattress. This is significantly more uncomfortable. This time Cas is not only not available, but engaged to his brother and Dean's brain automatically reminds him that Sam is the one who gets to touch him now, to explore every inch of his body and Dean hates that _that_ is his first reaction. 

"You shouldn't leave the door open," he snaps and Cas raises an eyebrow at him.

"I'm sorry?" he says. "I'm not the one who just barged in unannounced."

"Well, if the door was closed-"

"I left it open in case you needed anything," Cas interrupts, dropping his hands to his sides. 

"I'm _fine_."

"Mmhm. Dean, you can barely walk."

Fine. If he's going to be like that, Dean can be a dick right back. He steps right up to him, doing his best not to wince when he puts pressure on his bad foot, but Cas just keeps looking at him like he's wasting his energy. 

"I'm fine," Dean insists, but he can feel his breath bounce back at him and he suddenly realizes just how close he is to Cas, and Cas is still naked and wet. 

"Really?" 

Dean knows this is stupid and it's only going to escalate and potentially make things worse between them - not that things could be a whole lot worse - but he's been withholding so much that it feels good to let it out, even if Cas doesn't really deserve it. He steps forward until he's just inches from Cas' face and his heart is racing, but he holds his ground. He doesn't know what he's doing and he only hopes Cas doesn't realize that because despite being the one who's completely naked, Cas seems entirely unfazed. 

"I've been through a hell of a lot worse than a sprained ankle. I think I can take care of myself."

"'Is that why I had to carry you home from the hospital?"

"Fuck you," Dean spits and Cas smirks at him. 

"I remember it differently."

Dean could kill him, but the signals Cas is putting off are decidedly less angry. It feels like if he moves at all, the tension will break and Cas will kiss him, and history dictates that when Cas kisses him, it never stops there. They're only a few yards from the couch and Dean's not above being fucked in the middle of the living room. The image snaps him back to reality, just in time for Charlie to call out his name. 

They both move to look out the bathroom door and when she reaches the bottom of the stairs they're both staring at her. Cas, seemingly, has forgotten that he's naked - either that or he's just remarkably comfortable without clothes on - but Charlie clears her though and gives him a pointed look.

"Pants, maybe?"

Cas looks down at himself before casually wrapping his towel around his waist. Dean is still struggling to come up with a good excuse to explain exactly why he's in the bathroom while Cas is naked, but nothing comes to mind. 

"I-" he starts, but Charlie holds up a hand to stop him. 

"I'm just going to assume you both have a good reason for whatever this is and I'm going to go make myself something to eat. Do either of you want anything?"

"I'm fine," Cas says like this is a perfectly normal situation. Dean just mumbles a _no_ and pushes past Cas into the bathroom to run a bath. 

When Cas leaves, Dean locks the door behind him, slumping against it. This is not how you form good relationships. He grumbles to himself as he undresses because what else is he supposed to do? Admit that he has feelings for Cas after a year and a half? No thanks, not happening. He unwraps his foot and as he slips into the bath, he wonders vaguely if there's enough hot water left to drown himself in. 

When he's clean and dry and sulking in the bedroom, Cas comes looking for him. Dean's feeling guilty for trying to push him into a fight and he's feeling guilty for thinking about him the way he does and Cas is the last person he wants to see right now, so he doesn't say anything when the bedroom door opens. He just looks out the window, watching the snow and wishing he could go out and enjoy it, but when the bed dips next to him, he turns instinctively. 

"You're supposed to keep your ankle wrapped," Cas says but there's no malice behind his words. If anything, he sounds a little sad. 

"I'm not good at it." 

Cas doesn't respond before grabbing the tensor from where Dean dropped it on the floor. He sits with one leg bent, pulling Dean's foot to rest in his lap and he quietly goes about wrapping Dean's ankle for him. It hurts a little when he lifts it, but Dean doesn't complain and when he's finished, Cas keeps his foot in his lap, resting a hand just below the bandage. 

"I'm sorry," he says softly, "I didn't mean what I said earlier. Truthfully, I'm having trouble adjusting to the thought of having you as my brother-in-law. When Sam-" he cuts himself off, looking down at Dean's foot. "When we got together, I didn't know he was your brother. Things might have gone differently if I'd known."

"Me too," Dean breathes and he hopes Cas realizes it's an apology because hearing him say something like that, it's hard for him to say anything at all right now. 

"Charlie's gone to pick up the others, do you want to help me with dinner?"

"What are we having?"

"Whatever you want," Cas offers and Dean sighs softly to himself as Cas smiles. He is well and truly fucked. 

"Mac and cheese?" he asks and Cas nods. 

"Yeah." He pushes himself up off the bed before offering a hand to help Dean up. 

Making mac and cheese shouldn't be difficult, especially with two of them, but Dean manages to let the water boil over no less than three times watching the way Cas carefully measures everything out for the sauce. Dean is the exact opposite, throwing a little bit of everything into the pot and hoping for the best, but Cas is so precise in the way he makes sure everything's perfect and tugs at something in Dean's chest that he tries not to think about. 

"You are a terrible helper," Cas says, pushing him out of the way when the water boils over for the fourth time. He's smiling and Dean forgets that he should be pretending to be upset so when Cas turns to him, he's just watching him quietly. "What?"

"Nothin'," Dean mumbles, "just funny how you're so careful about mac 'n' cheese."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Cas frowns. 

"I mean it's not science, you don't have to be quite so careful."

"Says the man who can't boil water," Cas shoots back and Dean has to accept that because really, he shouldn't be having so much trouble with it. He shifts to lean against the counter and Cas takes the pot from the element, handing it to him. "Do you think you can manage to strain the pasta? Whatever isn't burnt to the bottom of the pot, anyway."

"Shut up," Dean grins, taking the pot a little too abruptly and sloshing hot noodles on himself. Cas is still laughing when the front door opens and then Sam is there and Dean doesn't even notice until Charlie trails in after him. 

"You're supposed to be resting, not making dinner."

Dean opens his mouth to defend himself, but Cas interrupts. "It's okay, he's the worst helper I've ever had."

"Hey!" Dean turns to Sam for backup, but Sam's just watching the two of them with a wistful expression and Dean bumps him. "Hey," he says, quieter, "what's up with you?"

"Nothing," Sam shakes his head and smiles, but Dean's not buying it.

\- - - - -

Dean goes to bed early that night and Cas doesn't want to wake him up, so despite being exhausted himself, he sits up in the living room listening to Gabe and Jo bicker about the rules to some card game in the kitchen. Meg and Charlie have disappeared somewhere and he assumes Sam is with them, so it catches him off guard when there are suddenly hands on his shoulders and he tips his head back to find Sam looking down at him.

"Hey."

"Hey," Sam echoes. He turns back to the kitchen for a moment, and when he speaks, Cas realizes he's trying to see where Gabriel is. "So what was that all about earlier?"

"What?" Cas asks, feigning innocence. 

"Don't play dumb. I'm talking about you and Dean."

Cas shrugs, following Sam with his eyes as he comes around to sit next to him on the couch. "Dean and I had an argument earlier, I was just trying to make up for it." _Argument_ might be a bit of a stretch, but giving Sam any more information than that is a bad idea. 

"You sure that's all it was?"

"What else would it be?" Cas asks and Sam just shrugs.

"Dunno. You just seemed happy. I haven't seen you like that in a long time."

"You know I'm trying to get this manuscript finished. It's just stressful. Once we get through this, I'll talk to Kali and figure things out. Then things can go back to normal."

"Yeah," Sam says, but he clearly doesn't believe him and Cas doesn't have the energy to try to make him. 

He waits until everyone else has gone to bed to finally turn in himself and when he pushes the door open, Dean's fast asleep and moonlight streams through the window, illuminating his face. As if he wasn't beautiful enough regularly. 

Cas sits on the edge of his bed and he can't help but look at him, so soft and peaceful, and wish they could have something more. He wants to cross the few feet between them and curl up next to him, to hold Dean against him as he sleeps and press his nose into his hair. This is worse than just wanting to sleep with him because he can get sex whenever he wants it, but it's so rare for him to find someone he connects with like he does with Dean. 

He resists the urge to touch him and gets changed quickly before climbing into his own bed and turning to face the opposite wall. Having Dean stay downstairs may have been his idea, but it's one of the worst he's had so far.

-

Cas is awoken by soft moans and at first, he thinks he's dreaming because that's _Dean_ , but when he opens his eyes, Dean's tangled in his sheets, his face crumpled in concentration and pressed into his pillow. It's clear by the sounds he's making that he’s having a very good dream and Cas is torn because he wants to let him enjoy his dream but he's having a hard time dealing with it.

He rolls over because it's too early to get up and pulls his pillow over his head to try and tune Dean out, but he's pretty sure he hears his name from the other side of the room and he squeezes his eyes shut. This is too much. He does his best not to think about it, but despite his best efforts, he finds himself wondering what Dean's dreaming about - is it a memory? A fantasy? Either way, he shouldn't care, but he wants to know. 

Dean rolls onto his stomach, pressing himself into the mattress and Cas pushes himself out of bed and leaves the room immediately before he can do something stupid. It would be so easy for him to go over there and give Dean everything he's dreaming about, but it's a terrible idea. Dean would probably hate him for it anyway; dreaming about something is one thing, but as far as Dean knows, Cas is engaged to his brother and any attempt would likely be taken badly. 

Cas slips out of the room, leaving Dean to his dream and he goes to make himself coffee and toast. He's slumped in an armchair when Sam comes down and he pulls a cushion into his lap, frowning at Sam raises both eyebrows at him. 

"Good morning," he smirks. Cas just glares at him and Sam raises his hands. "Just saying, you never have that reaction when it's me in the room."

"I _will_ kill you."

\- - - - -

"You should come," Cas insists and Dean wants to tell him just what a terrible idea that would be, but then Sam comes along and joins in.

They've already been going back and forth for twenty minutes while Cas tries to convince him to go into town with everyone. If Dean was feeling better he might, but even then he's partial to the idea of having the cabin to himself for a while. 

"It'll be good for you to get out of the house," he says, "we've barely done anything together this whole trip."

"Not my fault," Dean says. He doesn't mean to, but it comes out anyway and earns him an award-winning bitchface in response. "It's not like I wanted this," he adds, lifting his foot up. 

"It'll be fun," Cas interjects, clearly ignoring the conversation between the brothers. "I want you to come." Dean weighs that against being alone without Cas and he can't quite bring himself to make a decision; Having some time completely to himself would be amazing, but going out also has its merits. Granted, significantly fewer merits, but still. 

Because Dean's a pushover and Cas smiles at him, he decides to go. Maybe it will be fun and he's just being miserable about the Cas and Sam thing. Either way, Charlie's thrilled to find out he's actually going to come and spend time with them rather than sulking alone up here. He's still a little anxious about going out when he's still in a fair bit of pain, but everyone else's excitement wears off on him and by the time they're ready to leave, he's looking forward to it. 

They're not doing anything special - there's a pub Sam wanted to check out on the way up - and Dean hates to admit when his brother is right, but he does feel better just getting out of the house and driving into town. The van gets hot with everyone inside, so they open the windows and Dean leans out into the cool air. The one bonus of having one good leg is that he gets to sit up front without any complaints and also has one of the two windows that actually open. 

The pub is small but not crowded and the group finds a couple of tables off to one side. They push two of them together and Sam finds Dean an extra chair to put his foot up on while Gabriel gets them menus. For the first time since the accident, Cas isn't right at his side and Dean finds himself looking for him, checking to make sure everything's okay. He likes having Cs around and if he's honest, he feels a little lost without him right now. 

The feeling doesn't last long; as his friends go off to dance or to play pool, Dean finds himself surrounded by a different group of people. The first is Suzy, a friendly blonde woman who comes over with a pair of drinks and sits across from him. 

"What'd you do?" she asks, nodding to his wrapped foot as she slides the second drink across to him. 

"Thanks." It's been a long time since anyone's been quite so forward with him, but Dean would be lying if he said he didn't appreciate the distraction. "Fell when I was skiing. We're just up for a vacation but now I'm pretty much stuck." He flashes her a grin as he lifts his drink to his lips. He's not sure what it is, but it's good - something fruity that he would never choose for himself. 

He chats with Suzy for a while and she insists on buying him drinks and Dean's not going to complain. Maybe he shouldn't have been so hesitant about coming to town after all.

\- - - - -

They've only been in town an hour and already Cas wants to leave. It's not his fault, per se; he didn't think bringing Dean into town meant putting him in the path of every beautiful, caring person who lived here, but things haven't exactly been going his way lately. This is no different.

It was bad enough when it was just the one woman buying Dean drinks, but all her friends have joined them now. Dean's surrounded on all sides - there's even a guy wearing a crop top massaging his shoulders and really, who the hell wears a crop top in January. He's mentally cursing each and every one of them when Meg and Charlie come up behind him. Meg slips a shot glass in front of him, holding another up next to her face. 

"Tequila makes everything better," she grins and Cas doesn't need any more encouragement than that.

-

He wasn't going to drink at all, but now he's four - make that five - shots in and working on a vodka tonic that Gabriel bought him. This also isn't his fault, he decides, Jo offered to be the designated driver and no one was expecting Dean to get hit on by everyone else in the bar. Sure, this was his idea in the first place and he's the one who convinced Dean to come out, but he can't be blamed when he drinks to make it better.

He's completely hammered when Sam finds him, staring at the blank space where Dean was sitting just a couple of minutes ago. He hates himself for suggesting this and yet he can't look away when someone climbs into Dean's lap or kisses him from behind. That could be him if he wasn't an absolute moron. Cas doesn't even realize Sam's beside him until he's leaning down right over his shoulder. 

"You're gonna blow our cover staring like that," he mutters and Cas turns to frown at him. Fuck Sam and Gabriel and this whole stupid bet; he couldn't care less right now. He tries to make a joke, but can't think of anything funny. "Which one?" Sam asks and Cas doesn't get a chance to respond before Dean's hobbling back to his spot, assisted by the massage guy from earlier. 

Immediately, Cas turns to try and assure Sam that it wasn't Dean he was staring at, but when he looks up Sam's smiling sadly at him and he knows it's too late. This couldn't get any worse. 

"Oh," Sam says quietly and Cas shuts his eyes. 

"It's not-" he starts, but he doesn't even know what he's trying to say. 

"I'm sorry." There’s no fighting it now. 

"Yeah," Cas mumbles defeatedly. 

"It's only a little while longer," Sam says and Cas knows it's supposed to be comforting, but it's actually anything but. Only a little while longer until Dean's out of his life again. Only a little while longer until Dean finds out the truth and hates him for lying to him for so long. Only a little while longer until Cas goes back to unfinished projects and loneliness. 

For the rest of the day, Cas drinks in silence and avidly avoids Dean and Sam. When it's time to go, he's as useless as Dean and Meg half-carries him out to the van. He falls asleep on her halfway there and when they get home, she gets him to bed and leaves him with a glass of water. His last half-conscious thought is that he hopes Sam knows when to keep his big mouth shut. 

When he wakes up again, Cas has a killer headache and Dean is in bed, so he figures it must be late. At least he slept through the rest of this garbage day.

Dean's not sleeping easily and Cas knows he must be in pain. It takes all of his strength not to go and curl up next to him, but he pushes through the impulse and slips out the bedroom door. He finds painkillers in the bathroom and takes a couple of them, washing them down with a large glass of water before staring at himself in the mirror. However he twists it, he looks like shit and he really needs a break from this so-called vacation. 

When his head stops throbbing, he makes his way back to the bedroom, sliding in as quietly as he can, but even so, Dean is awake when he gets back. 

"Where'd you go?" Dean mumbles and without thinking, Cas crosses to sit on the edge of Dean's bed. 

"Just getting a drink, I didn't want to wake you."

"Wasn't asleep."

"Is it bad?" 

"It's not great. Sam wouldn't let me take my meds and my buzz is wearing off. You do the math." Cas nods sympathetically. "What's up with you?"

"Nothing. Shitty day."

"I'm sure it was tough," Dean scoffs. 

"I appreciate the sympathy."

"You got two working legs, I consider that a win."

Cas snorts at him. "You're not the only one who's suffering you know. None of this is easy for me."

"Yeah, I'm sure it's real tough knowing you've got someone to spend the rest of your life with. It's a real struggle for you and Sam."

"Dean," he starts, but the bitterness fades as he looks down at him. "It's not easy for me to see you with other people."

"Yeah, well." Dean sighs and rolls onto his back, folding one arm under his head. "I wanted to make you jealous," he admits. "Look, if you're having a shitty day, don't worry about me. Go sleep with Sam, let him cheer you up." Dean's staring up at the ceiling now, avoiding him, but he's not getting off that easily.

"Sam doesn't get me like you do. I shouldn't say that, but it's true. Why were you trying to make me jealous?"

"Why not?" he asks, "this is hard for me too, y'know."

That's all it takes for Cas' willpower to drain and he sighs as he climbs up behind Dean and fits himself around him. He shouldn't; if he remembered this morning, he wouldn't, but they're both miserable and he's not hurting anyone. 

"Cas-"

"Just... let me, please. Just one night." 

Dean doesn't say anything, but he doesn't argue, and when Cas slides up next to him, Dean lifts the blanket for him to move under it. If they were sober, this would never happen, but Cas needs this right now; needs the closeness, the comfort - even if it is temporary. 

For a while, they lie still together, but then Dean stirs and speaks. 

"On the subject of things that shouldn't be said - I miss you."

"Yeah," Cas breathes, "I miss you too."


	9. Chapter 9

Dean wakes up slowly. For the first time in forever, he actually slept properly and he has no intention of getting out of bed any time soon. Something next to him moves and he realizes with a start the warmth next to him is another body, though he has no recollection of going to bed with anyone. If he did, it's going to be a mighty awkward conversation when Cas wakes up. 

There's warm breath on the back of his neck and when he presses back, Dean can feel morning wood pressed against his ass. He pushes back against him, humming at the response he gets. He doesn't care if Cas is in the room anymore because if he had sex last night he doesn't remember it, and he fully intends to remember this morning. His bedmate stirs, settling his hand on Dean's hip to hold him still. At first, Dean doesn't understand, but the strained _Dean_ explains everything he needs to know. 

Panic spreads through him as he pushes away to face Cas. Did they sleep together? Why else would Cas be in his bed? What the _hell_ is he going to tell Sam?

"What-" he starts, "did we- _fuck_ , I don't remember anything from last night."

"Probably for the best," Cas mumbles. "Nothing happened."

Dean relaxes, flopping back against his pillow. "Good. I didn't think I was that much of a dick, but I was scared for a minute there."

Cas chuckles softly as he shifts to sit up. "You're not a dick, don't worry."

"I'm sorry. How did we-" he gestures between them and Cas shrugs, seemingly much less concerned with their situation than Dean is. 

"We both had a shitty day yesterday. You could call it mutual comfort."

"Okay," Dean says but the twisting in his stomach is anything but okay. He needs to talk to Sam - maybe not about this specifically, but he's holding on to too much and he can't keep going on like this. He needs to make an excuse to get up and find Sam, but Cas seems perfectly happy to stay where he is and Dean just lays back and tries not to think about the fact that Cas is hard right next to him. 

His excuse to get up comes in the form of Gabriel, banging on the door and demanding they come out for breakfast. For someone who is more than happy to sit and chat in bed, Cas moves alarmingly fast when he hears Gabriel's voice, jumping back into his own bed like he's afraid Gabe will come in. 

Cas gets up first and Dean waits a few minutes, taking the time to get dressed before joining them. He finds Sam first, eager to get everything off his chest and while the others are getting breakfast ready, he pulls Sam aside. He manages to catch him while he's in the living room and he must look desperate because Sam stops him to make sure he's okay. 

"I just wanted to talk to you about something." The concern on Sam's face doesn't fade, but he lets Dean take him out to the front porch and he's patient as Dean lowers himself onto the steps. 

"There's something I need to tell you and I don't really know how so I'm just gonna come right out and say it." He pauses, taking a breath and preparing himself for whatever Sam's response is going to be. "I have- I like Cas." He can't even look at Sam when he says it, and when it's out there, it seems so ridiculous. 

"I take you don't mean _as a friend_ ," Sam says quietly.

"Not so much."

Sam takes forever to consider that. Dean's not sure if he's going to pass out or throw up, but either way, he much prefers being in pain to _this_. He's antsy in the silence, eager to try and explain himself but he waits because as difficult as it is for him to say, it can't be easy for Sam to hear either. 

"Can I just- I don't mean to take away from what you're feeling, but you barely know him." 

Damn, he was really hoping not to have this conversation right now, too. Well, it was bound to come out sooner or later. 

"Actually, this isn't the first time we've met." Sam's dumbfounded but he's surprisingly less upset than Dean was expecting, so he continues. "I met Cas when I came to visit you last summer. When I said I was out at the beach or visiting friends I was with him. Sorry I lied, sorry I didn't tell you sooner."

Sam doesn't speak, but he looks guilty as hell and Dean can sympathize with that. He doesn't know what Sam has to feel guilty for, but he'll take that over having Sam mad at him for something he's not in control of. 

"I'm sorry," Sam says at last. "I wish I'd known sooner. You know you're more important to me than anyone."

"Yeah, yeah. Look, I don't expect anything, I know you guys are getting married and I'm happy for you. I just... I guess I felt like you should know because I can't stop thinking that you're gonna find out some other way and you're gonna be pissed."

"I wouldn't be," Sam assures him. He offers up a smile and rubs Dean's shoulder, but Dean is still doubtful. He still feels bad because it's not exactly the truth, but how do you tell someone you slept in the same bed as their fiance without it sounding worse than it was?

Maybe you don't, because maybe it is as bad as it sounds.

-

Talking with Sam doesn't make him feel better like he expects it to - if anything he feels worse because he's still keeping things from him. After breakfast, while the others are sitting around deciding what to do with their day, Dean sneaks off claiming he needs to rest. No one questions him and for the first time, he's glad to be injured.

He lies down on his bed, watching the wind blow outside the window and if he leans over just enough the extra pillow still smells like Cas. He shuts his eyes and rolls away because he doesn't need anything encouraging these feelings. He folds his pillow under his head and listens to the sounds of his friends out in the living room. He feels bad about not spending time with them when it took so long to plan this trip, but maybe not as bad as he should. Right now he's being selfish and he knows it, but he doesn't care. 

The voices outside get louder suddenly and when Dean looks up, Jo is sneaking into the room. She shuts the door behind her and climbs up onto the bed, sitting next to Dean with her back against the wall. 

"Are you and Cas dating?"

Dean jerks up instantly, looking over his shoulder at her. "Are Cas and I _what_?"

"Look, I know I was there for the engagement announcement but Dean I live with them. Sam went out on a date a couple months ago - he said it went well and Cas has been mooning around over some random dude pretty much since he moved in. If they're engaged I'll tell my mom about that weekend in Vegas."

"And you think _me_ and Cas is more likely?"

"Yeah," she says like it's the most obvious thing in the world.

"Care to explain why?"

"Other than the rom-com look at each other when the other one's not paying attention grossness? Dean, since you got hurt he hasn't left your side for more than five minutes until yesterday when he drank himself stupid and passed out the second he got home."

She has a point - especially considering they woke up in the same bed - bed he doesn't tell her that. "I'm not dating Cas."

"Maybe you should be."

"Jo, stop. He's marrying my brother."

Jo sighs dramatically. "You know I don't believe that. I don't know what they're up to, but I promise you they're not dating, much less getting married." Dean gives her a disbelieving look and she shrugs. "I think he likes you."

"How 'bout we agree to disagree on this one?"

"Fine. What are you doing hiding away in here anyway? We're gonna open a bottle of whiskey and play never have i ever." she grins at him and Dean just blinks.

"Because we're sixteen?"

"Because it's _fun_ , grumpy."

"Yeah," Dean frowns, "I think I'm gonna sit this one out."

"No you're not," Jo insists, tugging on his arm. "I may not be able to carry you but Cas can and he will if I tell him you're not cooperating."

"You do know he's not my boyfriend, right?"

"That remains to be seen."

Dean rolls his eyes, but he doesn't doubt her intent to go and get Cas so he climbs off the bed and drudgingly follows her out into the living room. The game is already underway when they get into the living room and Jo drags him down to sit between her and Meg. Gabriel is just about to speak when he glances over to them and smirks. 

"Never have I ever lied to my friends," he says, staring directly at Cas. Whatever meaning it's supposed to have either goes straight over Cas' head or he just chooses to ignore. it. 

Staring straight back at Gabriel, he says, "that in itself is a lie. Drink." He's completely deadpan, but Gabriel still seems pleased with himself. A few others drink with him. Dean settles into his spot on the carpet, sticking his leg out into the center of the circle because sitting cross-legged is still too painful. 

The next person to go is Sam, who says he's never had sex on a car and Dean believes him. The problem is, he has - with Cas. There's always a moments' hesitation because no one wants to be the first to admit they've done something, and Dean takes a few seconds to figure out what to do. Will Cas call him on it if he doesn't drink? 

As Cas lifts his glass, Dean does too, looking anywhere but at him. He feels like everyone is looking at them, like somehow they're going to know they had sex and Dean's going to have to explain the whole damn thing, but everyone moves on as quickly as they did before. The only one who seems to care at all is Jo. 

Cas is supposed to go next, but he skips his turn, claiming he can't think of anything and lets Jo go next. She gives Dean a little nudge, brief enough that it could easily be misinterpreted as readjusting her position and she thinks on it for a second. 

"Never have I ever kissed anyone in this room."

Immediately, Dean knows he's been set up. Or rather, Jo thinks she's setting him up while actually, unknowingly, setting him up. When Dean looks up to judge everyone else's reactions, Sam looks more anxious than Dean feels, but he drinks. Cas and Dean drink along with him, but what catches everyone's attention is that both Meg and Charlie drink too. 

Dean feels a little bad for them because clearly something is going on there, but whatever sympathy he feels is overshadowed by relief that he's not going to be questioned about who he's been kissing. 

The game dissolves amongst the questioning despite the fact that both Meg and Charlie vehemently deny anything but one drunk kiss. Dean doesn't believe it, but he defends them anyway, thankful that the game is done and he barely had to take part in it. 

They switch to a _Friends_ drinking game and when Dean sits down on the couch, Jo curls up next to him. He wraps an arm around her shoulders and pulls her close. 

"So," she whispers, when everyone else is caught up in the show. "You and Cas and a car?"

\- - - - -

In the morning everyone is hungover and Cas isn't expecting anyone else to be up soon, so he makes himself coffee and breakfast and sits down at the kitchen table while he's waiting for his toast to pop. Sam strolls in and helps himself to the coffee in the pot before coming to sit next to him. He groans a good morning - or something like it - and flops against the table.

"I take it you're feeling as good as I am," Cas chuckles softly. "I'm making bacon and toast, you want some?"

Sam makes a sound of revulsion, which Cas takes as a no, so instead he pours Sam a glass of water. As an afterthought, he butters a couple of pieces of toast and puts them on a plate for him anyway. 

"Thanks," Sam mumbles and Cas just nods and slips back into his own seat. He picks at his food, but he's not feeling great - not all of which is because of the alcohol. 

"Did you have fun last night, at least?"

Sam shrugs. "I didn't know what to do when Gabe said he'd never kissed someone in the room."

"I noticed that. That one kind of threw me off too until I realized everyone was expecting me to have kissed you."

"Yeah."

Cas plays with the handle of his mug, thinking absently about last night. He knows he and Dean had sex and that could be the only thing he was drinking for last night, but the thought that there's someone else nags at him and he can't quite shut it out of his brain. 

"Can I ask you something?" he says and Sam lifts his head enough to look at him. Cas assumes this is a confirmation and doesn't bother waiting for him to speak. "Is something going on with Dean and Jo?" 

"No," Sam says bluntly. "Maybe back in high school, but it never would have been something lasting. They're too good as friends. And Dean's too afraid of what Ellen would do to him if it ended badly." Sam reaches out for his coffee and takes a long drink, straightening up a little bit. "Why do you ask?"

"Just wondering," Cas lies. 

"Besides, I thought Jo was set on getting you and Dean together?"

"I figured that was over the minute we announced our engagement," Cas mutters. 

"Yeah, I don't think she's buying that."

"Me neither." Cas wants to push, to ask more about Dean while there's no one around to interrupt or walk in on the conversation, but he doesn't know what to say now that he's got the chance. What he wants is for all of this to be over with so they can go on with their lives. 

"Hey, Cas?" Sam asks, and when Cas looks up, Sam's staring at his hands. Cas glances down to realize he's been spinning his mug in his hands. 

"Yeah?"

"Is there something else bothering you?" Cas just shakes his head, but Sam continues. "This is about Dean, isn't it?"

"It's nothing. I'm gonna make more toast, do you want some?" He takes Sam's plate and stacks it on top of his own, turning back toward the counter. 

"You have feelings for him, don't you?"

Cas stops dead in the middle of the kitchen and no amount of convincing will get his feet to move. His shoulders drop and he tries to say anything, but his mouth is being as uncooperative as the rest of his body. 

"Why didn't you tell me?" Sam says quietly. "This can't have been easy for you. God, I'm such an idiot. It was so obvious. Why didn't you tell me you met before?"

"Dean told you?" 

"Yeah. He felt bad because he was hiding it from me."

Of course, Cas thinks, Dean's feeling bad for not telling Sam about that and meanwhile he and Sam are lying about everything. 

"I think you should tell him how you feel," Sam says and Cas shakes his head. He puts the plates down on the counter and turns to lean against it, facing Sam. 

"The bet-" he starts but Sam cuts him off. 

"I know how great meeting with Kali could be for you, but there are other publishers out there."

"I don't think it would matter. Even if I do tell him, that means telling him the truth about us, and he's not gonna want anything to do with me after that."

"Yeah," Sam admits, "he's gonna be pissed, but he'll get over it."

Cas sighs. He wants to tell Sam it's not worth it, but it's already gone too far and he wants this to be over. "Let me tell Dean."

"I'll tell the others when they get up, don't worry about them."

They agree to tell them just after lunch and the couple of hours in between pass far too slowly for Cas' comfort. Meg knows something's up, but he doesn't want to talk about it and she's kind enough not to pester him. 

When it comes time to make his confession, Cas' stomach feels like it's going to leap out of his throat and there's nothing he can do to calm it. He finds Dean alone in their room and when he shuts the door behind him, Dean looks up. 

"Hey, you okay?" A fair question, considering the fact that Cas probably looks as bad as he feels. 

"I have to talk to you," he says, "it's important."

"Okay-?" Dean says slowly. Cas inhales slowly and sits down on his own bed, opposite Dean. There's no easy way to do this so he may as well get it over with. 

"Sam and I aren't getting married. We're not dating. We've never been together." Dean's face instantly scrunches in confusion and Cas continues. "We made a bet before we left - if Sam and I can pretend to be together for the duration of the trip, Gabriel will stop asking him out."

"So what's in it for you?" Cas can hear the irritation in Dean's voice, but he doesn't dwell on it. 

"Gabe said he would set me up with his ex. She's a publisher."

"What the hell, Cas?"

"I know, I'm sorry." 

"No. You knew this whole time," Dean shakes his head, "you _knew _how I felt about you. You let me fall for you knowing nothing was gonna happen, only all of this shit with you and Sam was bullshit."__

__"I didn't know it was _you _. I didn't mean to hurt you. Look, I know I messed up and I'm a fucking idiot for not stopping this the moment I found out you were involved, but I can't change things now. All I can do is try to make up for it-"___ _

____" _Don't_ ," Dean grits. His voice is harsh and Cas shuts his eyes as Dean leaves the room. He wasn't expecting any less, but it still feels shitty having to hear it from Dean. _ _ _ _

____"Well," he mumbles, "that went well."_ _ _ _

______ _ _

\- - - - -

Dean's reeling as he leaves the bedroom. He doesn't even know where to start trying to sort this out in his head, so he goes to Charlie's room to not think about it at all. He runs into her along the way and judging by the look on her face, she knows.

"Sam told us," she says softly and Dean shuts his eyes and scrubs both hands over his face. "Hey," Charlie breathes, "come on. Let's go upstairs."

It's not easy, but it's not as hard as it used to be to get upstairs and when they reach Charlie's room he flops face-first onto the bed. He doesn't want to talk and he doesn't want to see Sam or Cas ever again, so Charlie finds them a stack of magazines that had been left at the cabin and she shoves him over to lie next to him. 

Dean does his best to keep his mind off of it, but Charlie's company and outdated fashion and garden magazines aren't enough to do it. He goes over what Cas said a dozen times, but he's still left wondering why. Why couldn't Cas just tell him? He knows how important Cas' writing is to him, but he could have just let Dean in on it - it's not like he would have gone running to Gabriel. 

After a little while, the bedroom door opens and Dean looks over to find Meg, looking skeptically back at him. She crosses to the bed, sitting on the edge next to Charlie. 

"We were just reading magazines," Charlie explains. "Dean's hiding out.

"Can't say I blame you. How're you holding up?"

Dean just grunts and shrugs his shoulders. All he wants to do is go home and forget about all of this. He and Charlie shuffle over to make space for Meg and while she gets comfortable, Charlie pulls out her laptop. 

"What do you say we watch a movie, don't think about all of this for a while?"

Dean doesn't say anything, but he helps Charlie pick a movie and when Meg turns out the light, she pulls a pillow under his chin and watches with them.

\- - - - -

Gabriel finds him sitting in the kitchen with a bottle of rum and promptly takes the bottle away from him and sets it on the counter. He slides a chair out from the table and sits down facing him. Cas steadfastly ignores him.

"Cas," Gabriel tries, but Cas just looks up at him with heavy eyes. 

"I don't want to talk to you."

"Look, this isn't my fault, you agreed just like Sam did-"

"I'm not blaming you," Cas says, "I just don't want to talk to you."

"You wanna give me a chance? Five minutes. I want to apologize."

"Thought it wasn't your fault," Cas mumbles. Maybe if he annoys Gabriel enough he'll leave him alone. He doesn't Gabe rolls his eyes and shrugs. 

"Maybe I'm a little to blame. I didn't know how you felt about Dean - to be fair, I didn't know you even knew him. You know he's only mad because of the way he feels for you, right?"

"Right," Cas scoffs. Whatever Dean did or didn't feel for him before is doubtlessly over now. 

"Think about it. If he didn't care about you, he wouldn't give a shit about you pretending to be engaged to his brother."

"Jo was pissed and I know she's not into me."

"Jo was pissed because you hurt her best friend - more proof that Dean does, in fact, have feelings for you. Give him time and he'll come around. In the meantime, when are you free to meet with Kali."

Cas lifts his head, peering up at Gabriel. "We lost the bet, what are you talking about?"

"Cas, you lost more than the bet. If I'd known, I would have called it off days ago. The least I can do is set up a meeting for you."

"You don't have to."

"Yeah, I kinda do. You're my kid brother. Besides, when you get rich and famous, you can dedicate a book to me."

Cas huffs. "Are you still gonna make Sam go on that date?"

"You bet your ass I am," Gabe says enthusiastically.

\- - - - -

Dean waits until the movie is over to make his escape; he's had his share of company and he gets the feeling Charlie and Meg would like some time to themselves. So he thanks them for keeping him company, assures them both he'll be fine to get downstairs on his own, and makes his way slowly to the stairs. Surprisingly, he doesn't see Sam or Cas on the way down and he makes it to his room without running into anyone. Good. It's bad enough he has to be in this mess in the first place, the last thing he wants is Jo making up some wild excuse about him being with Cas or worse, Sam feeling sorry for him.

That's gonna be great fun. 

At this point, it's late enough that he could just go to bed, but he's not tired and even if he does try, he'll probably still end up thinking about Cas. Which is stupid because Cas is a dick and Dean's better off without him. Obviously. 

He sits on the edge of the bed and lays back, staring out the window blankly. At some point he's going to have to see Cas again, to talk to him and considering the confined space and Dean's lack of mobility, that's probably going to be soon. 

He's torn because when he's not with Cas, when he's left alone to think, no matter how much he wants to, he can't really be mad at him. Writing is Cas' thing, like Dean's music is to him; if someone gave him the opportunity to make a living out of it he'd probably do just about anything to get that chance. Up to and including pretending to date Gabriel. 

As much as he hates it, and as angry as he is - or wants to be - he still wants Cas and part of him was kind of hoping he'd be here when Dean came to bed. He gets it; Cas is giving him space but he still feels shitty, even if Cas was the one being shitty in the first place. 

For a little while, Dean lies in silence, jumping at every possible sound that might be Cas coming to bed, then scolding himself for hoping too hard and returning to the silence. 

The sun has long gone down when Dean's silence is interrupted and for a fleeting, desperate second, he sits up, hoping to see Cas' silhouette in the doorway, but it's not him. Instead, he gets chewed out for sulking alone in the dark and a few seconds after the door shuts, he's shoved over so Meg can sit next to him. 

"What do you want?" he frowns, expecting her to come and try to defend Cas and he doesn't want to listen to it, but she doesn't. Instead, she flops down next to him, propping herself up on her elbow and she smiles at him. 

"Just wanted to check in, see how you're doing."

"'M fine."

"Hey, you don't have to bullshit with me. I _know_ , okay. Cas hasn't shut up about you since he met you. I can put two and two together and this whole thing is kind of a mess."

"No kidding."

"But I'm sure the sulking really helps."

"Shut up."

"But seriously, how are you?"

"Shitty."

"Okay," Meg says slowly, "have you talked to Cas since?"

"No."

"Are you going to?"

"No." It's not exactly the truth because he does want to talk to Cas, to get his side of the story, but he doesn't know if he's totally ready for that. "Maybe."

"You should, even just to hear his side. I'm not saying you have to be happy about it, but maybe try listening. We're gonna play poker, you wanna come?"

"No, I'm gonna head to bed early, see how I feel in the morning."

"Alright. Goodnight."

"Night, Meg."

When she's gone, Dean changes into his pajamas and climbs back into bed. If he's feeling better in the morning, maybe he'll take her advice. He wants it to be on his terms if he and Cas go anywhere from here on in, so he should be the first one to initiate conversation - as much as the thought might suck. 

He's emotionally exhausted, so falling asleep isn't difficult, but he doesn't sleep well. He tosses and turns and for the first half of the night, he wakes up every hour or so - every time to an empty bed across from him. Somehow, it makes him feel worse knowing Cas still hasn't come to bed, makes it harder for him to get back to sleep. He feels guilty for keeping Cas from his bed and that on top of everything else doesn't exactly make his sleep easy. 

In the morning, he wakes up and Cas' bed is still made from the previous morning. When he still hadn't come to bed after two, Dean was expecting him too, but he's still a little upset that he's not there now.


	10. Chapter 10

Cas is sulking in the living room on his own, contemplating what he could possibly say to Dean to fix all of this when his solitude is interrupted first by Sam, then Jo as well. He's not exactly in a place to be felt sorry for, but he's not expecting Jo to come for them with as much hostility as she does. Sam has just come up and he hasn't even had a chance to open his mouth before Jo is staring them both down. 

"What the hell, you guys," she demands and Cas looks to Sam. 

"I thought you told them yesterday."

"I couldn't get everyone together at once," Sam defends, but Jo interrupts him.

"I don't care. What the fuck, guys?" Cas rolls his eyes and opens his mouth, but Jo doesn't seem interested in an explanation. "Look, I knew nothing was going on with you two - it's pretty obvious - but not everyone else thought the same." She casts a stern look in Cas' direction and he can feel any argument drain out of him. 

"What are you talking about?" Sam asks and Jo just looks at him. 

"Are you kidding me? Has neither of you noticed how this is affecting Dean? You're both so oblivious that you didn't realize he hasn't been himself since before the announcement?"

"Actually," Sam starts, but the pure fury in the look Jo gives him shuts him up. 

"No," she says, "tell me."

"Dean told me he has feelings for someone - for Cas. He felt guilty about it and wanted me to know."

"And you kept this up?" Jo asks and Sam is speechless for maybe the third time since Cas met him. 

"Jo," Cas starts, but Sam waves him off. 

"No, she's right. I should have called it off as soon as he told me, I don't know why I didn't. It was just a stupid bet." He shakes his head and Cas shuts his eyes. If he knew, if he'd known Dean was feeling that guilty, he would have called it off. 

He's quiet for a long time, oblivious to what's being said around him; he knew the bet was stupid to begin with and it only got more complicated with Dean involved, but he hadn't considered how Dean might regard his own feelings. He hates himself for it, but there's nothing he can do now. 

"Well someone needs to go talk to Dean." Jo's voice interrupts his thoughts. "Because I don't know where he stands in all of this, but he's not okay."

"I tried," Cas breathes, "he doesn't want to talk to me."

"And I can't say I blame him," Jo retorts, "try harder. Or you," she says, addressing Sam, "because he doesn't want to talk to me or Charlie and all he said to Meg was that he feels like shit."

Cas wants to move, to tell her he knows she's right and that he will talk to Dean and try to sort things out, but he can't make his voice work. He hates knowing how badly Dean's hurting and he hates being the cause of it - over a stupid bet that he knows is a sham anyway. All he can do is nod silently and let Jo continue her tirade because she's right. 

She's Dean's friend and she's just trying to defend him. Cas would give anything to be the one defending Dean rather than the one who hurt him, but even if he were given the chance, he doesn't deserve it.

\- - - - -

Dean doesn't realize until late in the afternoon, that he hasn't done anything but sit and think all day. He's only been out of his room a couple of times and he hasn't even eaten. Jo's been texting him on and off and apparently confronted Sam and Cas about being morons - her words - which is something he would have liked to see because Jo is even scarier than her mom when she's mad and she doesn't sound happy.

He likes the idea of her bitching them out, but he also feels a little sorry for them. Well, for Cas at least. He might feel worse for Sam if he believed for a second that Sam wasn't secretly into Gabriel, but currently, he just feels bitter about the whole situation. 

Deep down, he still wants to have a chance with Cas; he's spent too many hours thinking about him to not still want _something_. Cas was something out of a movie with how they met - better than anything Dean could have hoped for and so much more than he deserved And yet, somehow Cas had wanted him just as much. 

Maybe things have changed too much in the last year. Every time he thinks about it and tries to figure out where he stands, he comes back around to the stupid feeling he got seeing Cas again for the first time, the absolute thrill of Cas coming back into his life. He knows, for him at least, that things haven't changed that much. He's still hurt and mad and he probably will be for a long time, but he can't ignore what he feels. 

Not trusting himself to analyze his own feelings, he texts Charlie. 

_> > I don't know how to feel. _

He drops his phone onto his chest and stares up at the ceiling. He's giving himself a headache going around in circles and he needs someone to help clear his mind. His phone buzzes and he considers not answering it for a second but thinks better of it. Charlie's voice is soft at the other end of the line and he feels a little better just having someone but himself to talk to. 

"What do you mean?" she asks and Dean sighs. 

"I still want him," he breathes. "I've never-" he groans internally, dreading the impending conversation. There's no way out of this that he likes; the way he sees it, he has three options. One, tell Charlie how he feels and talk it through with her. Two, keep it all bottled up and let Cas disappear from his life for a second time. Or three, tell _Cas_ how he feels and see if they can work something out together. He likes the latter least of all. 

Apart from having to talk to Cas, which also seems like a terrible idea, he doesn't exactly thrill at the idea of being open and honest with him after everything. Any way he looks at it, Charlie seems to be his best option and he sighs into his phone. 

"I've never felt like this about anyone. I know that sounds stupid and probably like a heap of bullshit, but it's not. It's like that feeling you get when you first meet someone and they're absolutely perfect and all you want to do is be around them. Only I haven't seen Cas in a year and I still think about him every day. I still get that stupid nauseous feeling when I look at him or when he smiles and I hate that he did this to me but I don't hate _him_."

It all comes out in a rush, but he feels better for it and it's as honest as he's been with anyone about Cas so far. 

"Wow," Charlie breathes, "I didn't realize."

"I kinda didn't either. Not until I saw him again. I don't know what to do."

"Well, think about how you felt before all of this. When was the last time you thought about Cas before you saw him again?"

"I had a dream about him a couple of nights before."

"So, tell me about it."

Dean huffs a laugh. "Yeah, you don't wanna know." He can practically hear Charlie rolling her eyes at him. 

" _Okay _," she says slowly, "tell me about how you felt."__

__"Good," Dean says instantly, "I always feel good when I dream about him. I remember being with him the first time and thinking if I ever felt like this with anyone again I'd be done. I even remember one night in Florida just... sitting. We didn't even do anything, we were just sitting watching the stars and I was a little drunk but I remember thinking 'what if this is it for me? What is Cas is it for me?’"_ _

__There's a long pause in which he hears Charlie breathing, but she doesn't say anything and he doesn't interrupt. He lets himself focus on that moment so many months ago now, and he doesn't know how they managed to get where they are._ _

__"I know it sounds stupid," Dean admits. "I barely knew him. I still barely know him."_ _

__"Sometimes a weekend is all it takes to know. Sometimes less. What you have to ask yourself now is, feeling the way you do about him, do you want to let this get in the way of a potential relationship?"_ _

__Dean sighs, the good feeling fading as he forces himself to consider that. "I don't know."_ _

__"That part I can't help you with," Charlie says, "you're the only one who can measure your feelings and decide whether the hurt outweighs the rest of it." Dean nods and he knows she can't see him, but Charlie seems to understand anyway._ _

__"Something to think about," she adds when he doesn't respond._ _

__"Yeah," he says, "I'm pretty much done with thinking."_ _

__"Well, you know where I am if you want to not think for a while."_ _

__"I mean, if Meg's not already occupying you," Dean shoots back._ _

__"We'll talk about that later. Think about what's important to you and promise me you'll eat something before bed."_ _

__"Yes _mom_."_ _

__"I'm sorry you're feeling so shitty. Get some sleep and we can talk in the morning."_ _

__"Okay. Thanks, Charlie. 'Night."_ _

____

-

Dean sneaks out of his room around the time he suspects dinner to be over. There isn't anyone in the kitchen, so he takes his time making a sandwich and digging out a bag of chips from the back of the cupboard. He's just turning to head back to his room when Sam comes in and there's no avoiding him.

"There are leftovers in the fridge," Sam offers with a shrug. "We just had pizza, but if you want-" he lets the sentence fall flat and Dean sighs. 

"Thanks, but I'm good." He moves to walk around Sam, but he's stopped and he shuts his eyes for a second before setting his plate down on the counter and preparing himself for a conversation he doesn't want to have. 

"I'm sorry," Sam says. 

"I don't want to talk about it. I'm kinda done talking about it."

"You don't have to. I just wanted to say sorry."

"Cool, can I leave now?"

"Are you just gonna be mad at me forever?" Sam asks.

Dean sighs, "I'm not mad at you, Sam. I'm mad because Cas lied to me and I'm mad because if I had said something to him when I had the chance we never would have been in this situation in the first place."

"You could talk to him now."

"Yeah, I could." He gives Sam a look like it's time to drop the conversation and for the first time, he's glad when Gabriel shows up and interrupts. 

"You ready to go?" he smirks and Sam just looks at him. 

"Where?"

"Dinner. We're all heading into town and you owe me a date." The muddle of emotions on Sam's face gives Dean an incredible sense of satisfaction. 

"Well," Dean interrupts, slipping around Sam while his attention is otherwise occupied. "You two kids have fun. Use protection." 

He heads back to his room, shutting the door behind him and dropping down onto it. If everyone else is heading into town it'll give him some time alone - not that he knows what to do with it. Getting around is still a hassle, so likely he'll spend the rest of his night in bed like he was planning on doing anyway. 

Cas is the only one who stays. He only knows this because Charlie texts him explaining that Cas isn't feeling up to it and subtly insinuating that this would be a good time for Dean to go and talk to him. He doesn't, because he still doesn't know what to say to him. 

It's not until long after everyone else comes home and goes to bed, that Dean finally works up the courage to go out and talk to Cas. He's practically shaking as he shuts the bedroom door as if it wasn't hard enough for him to walk before. 

The fire's lit in the living room, casting long shadows on the walls and he sees Cas' shadow move rather than Cas himself. When he turns, Cas is looking at him.

"What are you doing up?" he asks - softly like he's not sure how Dean will react. It's a fair concern, considering Dean's not even sure how he's going to react. 

"You uh, you didn't come to bed." He shrugs at Cas' confusion and makes his way around the side of the couch, coming to stand between Cas and the fireplace. Cas watches him patiently, waiting for whatever Dean's going to say and for once Dean wishes he would be a little less patient. 

"I'm sorry I reacted the way I did," Dean says, unable to meet Cas' eyes. "I didn't give you a chance to explain."

"No, you were right. I'm sorry I lied to you. If it's any consolation, I never would have agreed to it if I knew you were Sam's brother."

"You could have told me though," Dean mumbles. 

"I wasn't allowed - one of Gabriel's stipulations," Cas looks up at him and Dean's silent for a moment, just looking at him. 

"What was I gonna do?" he says finally, "run and tell Gabe that you told me?"

"I wasn't thinking clearly. Since you came back into my life I haven't been thinking clearly."

Dean nods. He understands the feeling. "Hey listen, I know how much your writing means to you and how important that meeting was-"

"It's not an excuse."

"Yeah, it is. I get it."

They both fall silent and Dean suddenly doesn't know what to do with his hands. He plays with the cuffs of his shirt until Cas' fingers slip around his wrist, pulling his hands out in front of him. 

"We could stay here all night apologizing," he breathes, "or you could just come here instead." He tugs gently and Dean crosses the last bit of space between them, standing between Cas' knees. His heart thuds and his breath comes too quickly, anticipating whatever's about to happen. 

Cas' hands slip from his wrists, moving to wrap around his wrist and he pulls him forward until Dean's only choice is to kneel on the couch, straddling his lap. He doesn't mind, but the closeness is killing him. 

Dean settles, sitting back on Cas' thighs and Cas' hands settle on his hips and pull him forward. It's oddly comfortable in a way it feels like it shouldn't be. 

"Can we try again?" Cas breathes and Dean's nodding before he fully understands what Cas is saying to him. 

"Yeah. Please." He drops his head, pressing his forehead to Cas' and he shuts his eyes. Cas sighs softly and tips his head up, Dean knows he's looking at him but he doesn't open his eyes to look back and then Cas' nose bumps his. 

Dean holds his breath as if breathing might disturb the moment and all of this will just be a dream, his imagination. When Cas' lips press against his, it feels like a release, like finally, Dean is free to breathe and to exist without constraint. He doesn't mean to, but he presses himself entirely into Cas' body as he kisses him. 

Cas' arms wind around his waist and Dean's embarrassment fades away as he's tugged closer, relieved to find Cas is just as enthusiastic as he is. Cas kisses him like he's drowning and Dean is his air and when he does, eventually, need to breathe, he draws back and slides his hands up Dean's back, smiling up at him. 

"This doesn't mean I'm any less mad at you," Dean huffs and Cas smiles as he kisses him again.

"Of course not." 

Dean hums against his lips and smiles, belying his words. He's not really mad. In a way, he'd like to be, but Cas is sympathetic and he looked so upset when he confessed to him. And Dean can hardly blame him anyway, knowing what Cas' writing means to him. 

He lets himself be bundled up and when Cas lies down, Dean goes with him, pressing back against him. Cas was watching something on his phone when Dean came out but he turns it off now and they find something to watch together. They could easily go back to bed but the fire is warm and Dean's comfortable out here so he doesn't see any point in leaving. 

Halfway through an episode of The Great British Bake-Off, Cas taps the screen to check the time, frowning at his phone. 

"What's up?" Dean asks, twisting in Cas' arms to face him.

"Everyone came back a while ago," he mumbles, "everyone but Sam and Gabe." He makes a face and it doesn't take a genius to get what he's implying. 

"So you're telling me the date's going well?" Dean raises an eyebrow. "You're telling me the idiots who got us into this mess who didn't want to date each other but are now on a date are probably off having sex somewhere?"

Cas just sighs and Dean pushes himself up, sitting with his elbows on his knees. "Well that's just great," he mumbles. "All of this for what? A delay in admitting you're actually into the guy who's been asking you out for months?"

Cas rises up behind him, rubbing a hand up his back. "Maybe they just got stuck," he suggests. Dean turns to him with a frown. "No, you're probably right, but try not to let it bother you." 

Before Dean can respond, Cas leans in against him, pressing his lips to the back of Dean's neck. Dean shuts his eyes and lets himself melt into the touch. 

"I hate your brother a little bit right now," Dean huffs, "but if it's any consolation, I also hate mine." He runs his hands up Dean's arms and presses him back down against the couch, careful not to bump his leg as he fits himself alongside him. 

"Don't think about them right now," Cas breathes, dipping down to kiss him again. "We'll figure out a way to get back at them later but we've spent enough time apart."

Cas is convincing and as his lips press down against Dean's again, Dean holds him close, sliding his hands into Cas' hair. 

Cas kisses him softly, reaching up to put his phone on the side table before sliding his hand down Dean's side. He shifts to fit himself between Dean's legs and the weight of him is comforting. Dean wraps his arms around Cas' shoulders, drawing back just enough to breathe. 

"I missed you," he mumbles, slipping his fingers into the short hairs at the back of Cas' neck. He shifts to lie on his side, facing Cas. "Is that weird? I felt so hopeless when you and Sam-"

Cas cuts him off with a soft palm to his cheek. "I'm sorry any of that happened. If I had known you and Sam were brothers..." he exhales softly, tipping his chin down. "I thought about you a lot after you left." Cas' fingers brush along his side, picking at the hem of his shirt and slipping just underneath. When he looks up at Dean again, he's smiling lightly, recalling a memory Dean is obviously not privy to. 

"Yeah?"

"Do you remember lying in bed that last morning? I almost asked you to stay but I didn't know how you'd react."

"Probably woulda stayed," Dean hums. "I didn't even want to get up and go back to Sams, never mind go home." He chuckles softly, the sound echoed by Cas' voice as Cas leans up over him. Cas palm spreads over his hip, pushing down the waistband of his pants as his mouth finds Dean's again. 

Dean leans up to him, holding Cas close. He's still struggling with it a little, having thought Cas was dating his brother until yesterday, but this is helping. Cas' hand is hot against his skin and Dean shuts his eyes, letting himself be in the present. 

He slips his arms around Cas' waist, encouraging him closer, but as he rolls back, there's nothing underneath him. Despite Cas' best efforts to readjust their trajectory, Dean tumbles to the ground with Cas on top of him. He's quiet for a second and then as he looks up at Cas, they both laugh. 

"Are you okay?" Cas asks and Dean nods. He hasn't considered his foot much since talking to Cas, but it's surprisingly okay right now. The situation probably does a lot to distract him from the pain, but he's not questioning it right now. 

Dean's still laughing as he kisses him again and Cas climbs up over him, dragging his fingers along the side of Dean's neck. The fire is hot but the heat of Dean's body is unrelated, focused entirely on the few inches of space where Cas is pressed against him. 

Dean's relaxed now, any leftover anxiety is gone and he lets himself push a little more, sliding his hands under Cas' shirt and running along his stomach. Cas hums in response and presses down against him. Encouraged by the response, Dean continues, tugging Cas' shirt up over his head and running his hands over his bare skin. 

Soft, explorative touches escalate until Cas is pressed against him, breathing heavily as he moves against Dean. Dean's antsy. He's wanted this for so long but Cas seems to have settled, no longer trying to push forward while Dean itching to get Cas out of his clothes and into bed. 

He reaches a hand between them, running his fingers down Cas' stomach and over his crotch. There's no mistaking the fact that Cas is turned on, but when Dean's fingers brush against the jut of his cock, Cas moans softly but pulls Dean's hand away. 

"I want to," he breathes, pressing in a little closer. "I don't have anything with me." Dean groans petulantly, pressing his face into Cas' chest. Cas chuckles softly, running his fingers through Dean's hair. "Tomorrow," he hums, "we'll go into town and buy lube and I promise tomorrow night we'll do anything you want." He punctuates this with a kiss to the top of Dean's head and Dean pretends to mull it over. 

Realistically, he wasn't expecting to have sex tonight and part of him is glad not to, though it's the first time he's ever thought that. Before, his relationship with Cas was primarily sex and it was good - both the relationship and getting fucked every night, but it's not that anymore. The months of separation and the past week especially have made him realize that what he feels for Cas is deeper than that. He wants to have sex with Cas, but he also wants to be with him, just to sit in silence in front of the fire or watch baking shows on his phone. 

"Okay," he says, kissing Cas' chin. "Maybe we could head in early? Get breakfast?"

"That sounds nice," Cas hums. He presses down and Dean whimpers as Cas' cock slides against his own and Dean reacts instinctively, pushing back against him. 

" _Fuck_ ," he mumbles. It feels too good and he'd be happy to just rut against each other until they both come in their pants, but he holds off. He pushes Cas up and when Cas shifts to the side, Dean pulls himself up and turns to face the fireplace. 

Cas shifts behind him and before Dean has a chance to speak, Cas' knees are on either side of his hips, slipping up against his back. His cock presses into Dean's lower back which is really not helping Dean to calm himself down, but it's his hands, innocently rubbing his shoulders, that are making things worse. 

"Maybe we should go to bed," he breathes. Dean exhales slowly. On the one hand, there's no way that he's ever going to sleep tonight now, so going to bed is a moot point. But on the other hand, the bedroom at least gives them a little privacy if anyone gets up in the middle of the night. 

"Maybe," he agrees and Cas kisses his neck before slipping away. Dean pulls himself up as Cas finds the grate for the fire and pulls the curtain across. 

The fire is burning low now, but it's still cold as they make their way back to the bedroom. Dean shivers as he sits down on the edge of the bed and he's not looking forward to climbing into it. Cas climbs up next to him and lies down on the other side of the bed, rubbing Dean's leg and watching him expectantly. 

"Lie down."

"It's cold," Dean grumbles, but Cas slips an arm around his waist and tugs him down anyways. 

"I'll keep you warm."

Dean smiles to himself despite the chill and tugs the blankets over himself as Cas curls up around his back. It doesn't take him long to warm up, but even with Cas' soft breath against his neck and the steady sound of it in the dark, Dean can't relax. 

Mentally, he's exhausted but he can't get his mind and body on the same page and his cock pulses with arousal. He reminds himself that tomorrow they'll go into town to get lube but right now Dean's tempted to try anything if it means he can get off. 

He tries to think about other things to keep his mind off of it, and when that doesn't work, he briefly considers sneaking out of bed to jerk off in the bathroom. This is arguably a worse plan because Cas has only just fallen asleep and Dean getting out of bed and hobbling out of the room is sure to wake him up. Then again, he could always pretend like he's taking a leak. At this point, he could easily get himself worked up enough to come that quickly. Sneaking around isn't ideal, but neither is coming in your pants when you're thirty and sharing a bed. 

He shuts his eyes and turns his face toward the pillow, imagining Cas' hands all over him and the memory of it is vivid enough to make his cock ache. He stifles a moan in the pillow and fights against his body's urge to press back against Cas. Cas is still hard and any time Dean shifts, Cas' erection presses into his ass. Dean wants to rut against him, he wants Cas to feel good, wants to make him come, but he knows he has to wait. 

Dean groans in frustration, inadvertently pressing his hips into the mattress in an attempt to keep from touching Cas. There's a groan from behind him and Cas' arm tightens around him, pulling him back against his body. 

"What's wrong?" he whispers.

"Can't sleep."

Cas huffs softly. "I noticed." He pauses, leaning in closer until his breath tickles Dean's ear. "You're making me crazy."

"Sorry. Thought you were asleep."

Cas doesn't confirm or deny, but the hand that's sitting on Dean's stomach slips lower as he whispers in his ear. "Just because I can't fuck you doesn't mean I can't make you feel good."

Dean stifles a whimper and steadies his breathing before he lets himself speak. "I don't want you to think I only want you for the sex," he huffs and Cas shakes his head. He slips his fingers around the base of Dean's cock and gently moves up. 

"I never thought that," he says and Dean feels his entire body relax, giving in to the soft touch of Cas' hand. 

Dean groans as Cas' hand pulls away but then he's slipping into his pyjama pants, curling his hand around Dean's bare cock. Dean turns, pressing his leg between Cas' and rocking into the tunnel of Cas' hand. He reaches forward and Cas already has his own pants down, and he's touching himself, lightly stroking his cock. 

At this point, Dean could get off just watching him, but when Cas rolls him back onto his back, straddling his hips and grinding against him. When Cas leans over him, he slides a hand between them, wrapping around them both and Dean knows he's done for. He doesn't care about finesse or making it last, right now he just wants to come and make Cas come - there will be a time for everything else later. Cas, apparently, is on a different page. 

He leans up still rocking against Dean's cock as he bites his shoulder. "I wish I could fuck you," he pants and Dean moans his agreement, so Cas continues. "I wanna feel you, want to be inside you."

"You're gonna make me come," Dean huffs, jerking his hips hard as Cas kisses a line down his jaw. 

When their lips finally meet, Dean's already so close and just as he tips over the edge, he can feel Cas' cock jerk against him and he's coming too. Cas is mumbling next to him but most of it is lost in the haze as Dean rides through his orgasm, rutting against Cas' cock even after he's finished coming. 

Cas collapses onto him and Dean huffs a laugh, winding his arms around Cas' shoulders and holding him close. Already, he's feeling sleep creep up on him and he's comfortable now as the post-orgasm heaviness seeps into his limbs and Cas breathes hotly against his chest. He shuts his eyes just for a second.


	11. Chapter 11

Cas groans at the cold air on his skin, reaching blindly for the blankets, but there's nothing to grab. He grumbles again as he sits up, ready to pull the blankets back from Dean, but when he opens his eyes, Dean is missing too. Instantly, he feels concerned. He knew he was pushing earlier and he did it anyway, after promising himself he wouldn't. 

Sitting up fully, he rubs his hand over his face and looks around for his pants. They're tangled in the sheets, presumably after he kicked them off in his sleep and he pulls them back on now. Grabbing the throw blanket from his still-made bed, he wraps himself up and stumbles toward the door in the dark. 

Dean isn't in the living room either and the bathroom door is open, but the room is dark. It's possible he went up to sleep with Sam or Charlie or someone, but if he's upstairs, Cas isn't going to find him. He sighs to himself and resigns himself to sleeping alone for the rest of the night. He doesn't want to think too much about what this means long-term, but he'll give Dean his space for now and they can talk later. 

Cas makes himself a cup of tea and sits at the kitchen table, looking out into the dark night. There isn't much to see, but when the clouds move out of the way, Cas can see the snow falling lightly, covering the ground in a thin layer of white. He looks back at his mug, but there's a flash of light that catches his attention. When he looks for it again, it's gone, but by his best guess, it came from the back porch. 

He pushes himself out of his seat, intending to see what's going on and when he gets to the door he finds Dean, huddled under a blanket sitting on the porch bench. Cas is torn because he doesn't want to interrupt if Dean doesn't want him there, but the urge to bring him inside where it's warm is overwhelming.

Eventually, the need to take care of him wins out and Cas pushes the door open. Dean looks over his shoulder and when he spots him, his face breaks into a sheepish grin. Relief floods through Cas and he smiles back, shutting the door behind him and crossing to the bench. 

"Hey," Dean says. Cas bundles himself up tighter against the cold air and sits down next to him. 

"I thought you changed your mind," he says softly and Dean shakes his head firmly, tipping to rest it on Cas' shoulder. 

"I couldn't sleep, didn't want to keep you up. I didn't mean to worry you." Cas huffs softly and rests his head against Dean's. He's still tired and he would like to bring Dean back to bed with him because it's cold outside, but it's also beautiful. 

They sit in silence for a little while watching the snow and Dean leans into him, eventually winding up with his head in Cas' lap. In his confusion, Cas had forgotten to put on shoes and he has his feet up under him to keep them warm. It worked for a little while, but now he's starting to get cold again. 

There's a crash from inside and both he and Dean at the same time to see what's going on. Dean clambers off of him and Cas doesn't want to tell him how relieved he is to go back inside, so he just follows him quietly. He keeps one hand on Dean's waist, it's entirely unnecessary, but he likes feeling like he's helping and Dean seems to like it too. 

When they turn the corner to the kitchen, Cas realizes they aren't alone. There are soft sounds of breath and the sound of something hitting the cabinets. At first, Cas assumes Sam and Gabriel got home and decided to continue their date in the kitchen, so he holds Dean back but Dean turns back to him, grinning and shushing him. 

"What?" Cas whispers. Dean just shakes his head and pulls him out of the way so they can sneak past the kitchen without disturbing their friends. He spares a quick look into the kitchen as they sneak past and he's startled to find that it's not their brothers in the kitchen at all. Charlie's perched on the counter, hunched over someone who Cas can only assume is Meg, giggling. 

When Dean realizes, he grabs Cas' hand and tugs him after him. He slips back into their room, shutting the door quietly behind them and he turns to smile at Cas. 

"I knew it," he grins and Cas smiles at him, pressing him back against the wall. 

"I'm happy for them," he says, stepping closer. Dean nods and slides his arms around Cas' waist.

"Me too." He tugs Cas forward, kissing him softly. "I'm happy for us, too. This was kind of a shitty way to do it, but I'm glad I found you again." Cas kisses him again, taking Dean's hands and leading him back to bed. 

They curl up together again and Cas presses his nose into the back of Dean's neck. He's glad they found each other, too and from now on he's going to do everything in his power to keep them together. With a soft smile, Cas shuts his eyes and when he wakes up again, it's bright out.

\- - - - -

Dean wakes up early and sneaks out before Cas gets up. He's planning on making them coffee and some sort of food and bringing it back to the bedroom, but he's not the only one up. Charlie and Meg are both slumped over the table with mugs of coffee and Dean mumbles a good morning before putting on a fresh pot of coffee.

He's about as awake as Charlie looks and he sits down in the seat next to her, slumping against her shoulder. He nearly falls asleep again waiting for the coffee to be ready but Charlie nudges him and he pushes himself to his feet. He's just finishing making his own coffee when Meg breaks the silence. 

"What'd you do to your neck?" she asks and Dean doesn't realize at first that she's talking to him. 

"Hm?"

"You've got something on your neck," she says again and before Dean can realize what she's talking about, she stands up and comes up behind him. " _Oh_." There's a hand on his shoulder and then Dean's being turned around to face a smirking Meg. 

"Uh-" he starts and she grins at him. 

"You looked in a mirror this morning?"

"No, why-"

"Nothin'," Meg shrugs, "just seems funny to me that Cas didn't sleep on the couch last night - although his shirt _was_ on the floor this morning - and then you wake up with a hickey on your neck-" 

Charlie's head whips up at the word _hickey_ and Dean can't even defend himself. He's lost complete control of his face and he's grinning like an idiot, despite wanting to deny everything she's saying. 

"I decided he was worth it," he mumbles, avoiding both of their looks. Charlie beams at him and as her eyes lift to something above Dean's head, he hears the footsteps of someone else approaching. Warm hands rest on his hips and Dean's cheeks burn as Cas kisses the back of his head. 

"Didn't know you were there," Dean mumbles and he can feel Cas smile against him. "Made you coffee."

"Thank you," Cas breathes then he speaks to Charlie and Meg. "Have you seen Gabe or Sam at all?" he asks, slipping around Dean to take his mug of coffee. Meg shakes her head. 

"Don't think they'll be showing their faces any time soon," Charlie adds. "Jo tore a strip off of Sam yesterday, I don't think he's gonna want to admit to spending the night with Gabriel - whatever happened."

"Really?" Dean asks and Cas slips an arm around him a little tighter.

"Yeah," Cas confirms, "I can see why you'd be afraid of her mother if they're anything alike."

Dean turns in his arms, looking up at him with a smirk that he can't quite hide. "She yelled at you, too?"

"You don't have to seem quite so pleased about it," Cas huffs. Dean just smiles and leans up to kiss him. If it was up to him, he'd do nothing but kiss Cas all day but Meg makes a gagging sound from behind him. It takes everything in him not to make a comment about last night but Cas doesn't share his hang-up. 

"So how was _your_ night last night?" he asks, lifting an eyebrow in Meg's direction. She stares at him, mouth slightly open and Cas just smirks. "You know it's funny," he starts, leaning against the counter, "I'm sure I heard you in the kitchen last night-"

Meg just stares at him, speechless for the first time since Dean met her. He gives Cas a nudge and looks up at him. Cas just grins back. 

"We're heading into town," Dean says, turning away from Cas, "do you guys need anything?"

"We're good," Charlie says. Meg is just shaking her head at Cas and Dean pushes him out of the kitchen. 

"I'm gonna finish making my coffee. Go see if Jo's up and see if she needs anything."

-

The next time Cas finds him, they're in their room and Dean's digging through his suitcase for something to wear. He's just wearing his pyjama pants and Cas has to hold back from sliding up behind him and wrapping his arms around him.

"What was that with Meg?" Dean asks and Cas lifts an eyebrow he doesn't expect Dean to see. 

"Nothing," he says because it was nothing. Meg has been ten times worse to him since he met Dean. 

"Hm. She was sweet to me, I apologized for you anyway."

Something inside Cas twists and he stares at the back of Dean's head for a second. _I love you_ , he thinks and then he catches himself. It's been less than twenty-four hours that he's actually been able to _feel_ his feelings and already he's out here dropping _I love yous_ like it's nothing. It takes him a second to come out of his head and realize Dean's staring at him now. 

"You okay?" he asks and Cas smiles and nods, holding back from touching him more than necessary. 

"Yeah, are you just about ready to go?"

"Mmhm. Any ideas for breakfast?"

"No, you?"

Cas shrugs. "No, I don't really know anywhere around here."

"We'll find something," Dean grins. He tips forward, pressing a quick kiss to Cas' mouth and then he's back digging through his suitcase to find something to wear. 

He settles on a pair of jeans and a shirt and Cas pointedly doesn't tell him that he'd like them much better _off_ of him. He looks damn good and judging by the way everyone in town stares, they think so too. Cas isn't entirely sure how he feels having his... whatever Dean is so blatantly gawked at when he's right there, but Dean doesn't seem to notice. Dean is too occupied with where they're going to eat and what they're going to do with the rest of the day. Cas feels significantly better knowing Dean cares more about food than his admirers. 

They find a small cafe a couple blocks' walk from where they parked and Dean likes the look of it, so they head in. The food is good and the staff are friendly, but halfway through eating Dean gets really quiet and Cas isn't quite sure what went wrong. 

He finds out as soon as they leave. There's a strip mall across the road that's their next stop, but Dean stops him as soon as they hit the sidewalk on the opposite side of the road. He stops and at first Cas doesn't realize. When he turns back, Dean looks dejected and Cas doesn't know what he did wrong. 

"Hey," he says softly, stepping back up to him. "Did I do something?" Dean mumbles something that sounds like _I hope not_ , but Cas doesn't hear him well. 

"Did you ever- with Sam, did anything ever _happen_?"

"Meaning what?" Cas asks. 

"Meaning you kissed him," Dean grumbles barely loud enough for Cas to hear. "Did you ever sleep with him?"

For a second, Cas is silent, trying to figure out what might cause Dean to even consider that. Apparently, he's quiet for too long because Dean's expression falls. 

"No," Cas says quickly, "I never wanted anything like that with Sam. It was uncomfortable enough kissing him in front of everyone. Especially you."

"So nothing-?" Dean asks.

"Never." He reaches out, slipping his fingers through Dean's belt loops and he pulls him forward. "The only person I've even thought about you in the last year is you." Dean smiles down at his feet and squirms when Cas kisses his forehead. "Are you ready to go?" 

Dean nods and he takes Cas' offered hand, falling in line with him as they cross the parking lot. 

"So where are we going?"

Cas smiles and gives Dean a look. "You'll see."

\- - - - -

Where they're going, apparently, is a sex shop - because Cas is either the only person who can't just buy lube at a drug store or because he's trying to prematurely kill Dean. Either way, he's not sure he's going to make it through the next couple of hours.

-

Shopping goes remarkably well, despite Dean's very blunt reminder that everything Cas does turns him on. Being surrounded by various sex toys and costumes for the better part of an hour didn't exactly help, but he did manage to make it through the event without any inappropriate boners, so he's counting that as a win.

Their next stop is a grocery store to pick up snacks then the liquor store and home. They don't have plans for dinner, but Dean figures if someone else wants to come into town later, they can, this is his time with Cas and he's not going to spend it grocery shopping. 

After spending so much time trying to distance himself, he'd forgotten what it's like to actually be with Cas, the way Cas can make him feel like they're the only two people in the universe. It's easy to forget about stupid bets when he's got the warm weight of Cas' arm around him - and the unknown contents of the bag he carries in his other hand is enough to keep his brain occupied for hours. 

A _surprise_ , Cas tells him, but that's all Dean can get out of him and he's antsy to get their shopping done and get back up to the cabin. Whatever it takes, he's gonna lock them in their room when they get back and find out what Cas is hiding from him. Getting past might be tricky considering she's been trying to get the two of them together since day one - there's no way she's not going to know what they're doing. As much as Dean wants some time alone with Cas, he'd prefer if everyone else in the cabin didn't know what they were doing. 

Cas catches him spacing out in the liquor store, staring blankly at a shelf of whiskey. He's thinking about later, about _tonight_ considering how and when this is going to happen because really all he's been thinking about since they woke up is sex. He shouldn't be, considering this is his second chance at something real with Cas, but when he turns to look at him, he can hardly be blamed. 

Cas is smiling at him so softly and Dean can't imagine asking anything more of him. He smiles in return and shifts closer as Cas slips an arm around his waist. 

"What are you thinking about?" he asks. 

Dean grabs a bottle off the shelf, holding it up for Cas' inspection. "What do you think?" he asks. it's a weak cover, but Cas seems to buy it. He leans in a little closer, brushing his lips against Dean's ear and Dean is painfully aware of every other person in the room. 

"I had other plans," he breathes, "ones that require you to be sober. Get it, we'll save it for tomorrow." 

Cas pulls the bottle from his hand and slips away heading for the cashier. Apparently, Dean's not the only one with his mind on sex and he feels significantly less guilty for it. He follows Cas up to the front of the store and they pick up a couple of other things for their friends before heading out.

\- - - - -

The drive back up to the cabin seems to take twice as long as it did coming down. It's because he's impatient but it doesn't make it any easier. Dean had fought him to be able to drive up and Cas is wishing now that he'd just let him. Driving isn't enough to keep his mind occupied right now, he needs something more.

Ten minutes into the drive, he pulls over and lets Dean take over driving. Dean sings while he drives, and while it's terrible, Cas likes listening to him. It gives him something to focus on rather than strictly thinking about how badly he'd like to get Dean naked right here and now. 

He wants to take things slowly or rather, he wants to leave how fast they go up to Dean. They've slept together in the past so that's not as big an issue as it could be, but Cas still doesn't feel like he has the right to dictate when and where things should happen. Dean, of course, can and would tell him if he wasn't comfortable but the least Cas can do is give him control of the situation. 

They only have two more nights before they head home and with how things have gone up to this point, Cas has a lot of making up to do in a short period of time. Dean tells him he doesn't have to, but Cas disagrees. Thinking about what he can do for Dean distracts him well enough for the rest of the drive, though he has to switch out with Dean after only a few minutes, much to Dean's disappointment. 

They arrive back at the cabin just before dinner time. When they get to the top of the stairs, Cas stops and waits for Dean to catch up. Dean gives him a small smile and steps up beside him. Cas shifts the small black bag from one hand to the other and hands it off to Dean. 

"Take this into the bedroom," he says quietly. "This is or you, don't open it until you're alone." Dean gives him a questioning look but Cas just chuckles softly and dips down to kiss him. "I'll put the groceries away-" he pauses. There's something so inherently domestic about sending Dean to put the shopping away while he deals with the groceries. 

Something inside him clenches and for a second, he wants to hold Dean back. They don't have to go back and join their friends, they could continue their day alone - but that's not why they came here. "You want to watch a movie after?" He asks. 

"Yeah, sounds good."

\- - - - -

Dean holds out as long as he can which turns out to be just over an hour. Sam's putting on a movie and he's going to get changed into something more comfortable. They've got drinks and popcorn and Dean's ready to have a good night in - it feels like it's been forever since he's just been able to sit and enjoy a movie with his friends. Step one: comfy clothes.

He digs his sweatpants out of his suitcase and as he fumbles to get into them, he spots that little black bag sitting on top of the dresser. He ignores it until he's dressed, but as he goes to put his jeans away, his curiosity gets the better of him. 

Technically Cas didn't dictate how long he had to wait before opening it, all he said was he had to be alone. And he's alone. He pulls the bag from the dresser and goes back to sit on the edge of the bed, settling the bag between his thighs. 

Anticipation overwhelms him and Dean pulls the lube out and under that, there are the few other things Cas picked out with him, but more importantly - to Dean, at least - is the paper beneath. There's something wrapped in it and when Dean lifts it out of the bag, it's soft under his fingers, pliable. Clothing, he realizes, but what-

A corner of pink slips out of the black paper and Dean suddenly remembers a drunken confession back in LA. They'd been hammered and wandering around the beaches when Cas had asked about his fantasies and Dean, being drunk and infatuated was more than happy to tell him everything. He hadn't thought Cas would remember but here he is with a pair of pink lace panties in his hands and he can hardly breathe. Cas wasn't kidding about making things up to him. 

Once he gets over the initial shock, Dean ends up somewhere between enamoured and aroused. For the first time in a long time, he's allowed to feel both and he doesn't hesitate before stripping out of his clothes and switching his boxer-briefs for the lacy thong at the bottom of the bag. 

They aren't as soft as satin, but they're comfortable and Dean has to wait a minute once he's dressed again to get his body under control before he goes out to join his friends. He tucks the rest of the items back into the bag and sets it back into its place so Cas won't know he moved it. 

Since he got hurt, Dean's felt shitty; he can't even remember the last time he felt attractive, but now, even in his sweatpants and hoodie, he feels sexy. No one but Cas will ever know _why_ , but apparently, it's obvious that he's cheered up because everyone notices. 

Gabe is the first to call him out on it and Dean just shakes his head, but Gabe stops him, gesturing him into the kitchen. 

"Hey," he says quietly and Dean frowns because he sounds serious and Gabe sounding serious is never a good thing. "I'm sorry."

That's the last thing Dean's expecting and he stumbles over his pre-planned response. "What?"

"You and Cas," he says, "you're good right?"

"Yeah, Gabe, we're good." Dean huffs a quiet laugh. "How's Sam?"

"Shut it," Gabe mumbles but it's clear by the expression on his face that he and Sam are both very well. Dean wants to be mad, but he can't blame Gabriel for any of this. If anyone's to blame it's Sam, but knowing Gabe is happy makes it hard for Dean to be mad at either of them. And if he's not mad at Cas, he can't be mad at them either. 

"I am sorry though," Gabe insists, "Cas told me all about you - before I knew you were you. I'm glad he's happy." Dean ducks his chin to avoid letting Gabriel see the flush in his cheeks and he shuffles away to get popcorn. 

Sam doesn't actively comment on his good mood, but the grin he gives him when Dean plops down on the couch is enough. When Cas and Gabe join them, bringing in the alcohol and the rest of the snacks, Meg sets the movie up and everyone settles in. 

Within the first twenty minutes, Jo falls asleep and Sam looks like he's close to joining her leaning against the chair she's curled up in. Everyone else is focused on the movie but Dean is wide awake and laser-focused on the hidden lace against his skin. He doesn't know how anyone wears underwear like this on a daily basis because he'd be walking around half-hard all the damn time. 

He's struggling enough in the dark living room to keep his arousal hidden. Eventually, he makes an excuse to get up and when Cas watches after him Dean adjusts his pants, letting the thong peel out just above the waistband. When he looks back, Cas is just staring darkly at him and Dean turns around grinning to himself. 

Up until this point, things have been weird with Cas. Even after sorting everything out, it just felt different and as much as Dean likes being with him, he was worried. This feels right. The teasing and the waiting and the wanting to kiss him but knowing he won't stop just there - this feels right. Dean knows better than anyone that you can't build a relationship exclusively around sex, but maybe that's where they need to start. Maybe waiting is where the weirdness is coming from. 

He slips into the bathroom and splashes water on his face before pressing a palm to his persistent erection. He breathes slowly for a couple of minutes trying to focus on anything but Cas and before he leaves he flushes the toilet for good measure. 

When he sits back down, Cas slides an arm around his back, pulling him against him. If anyone notices they don't say anything. Cas turns his head just slightly, pressing a soft kiss into Dean's hair. 

"Did you like your gift?" he breathes and Dean nods slowly. Cas' breath is rough in his ear and what composure he did manage to regain in the bathroom is gone at once. 

Dean manages to focus on the movie again, but Cas' hand is on his thigh, rubbing small circles into his pants and it's doing more for him than it probably should be. Maybe he's wound up from the shopping trip or maybe Cas just knows exactly how to turn him on. Or maybe it's just been a long time since Dean's had sex. He shifts in his seat, trying to get comfortable, but it's difficult. 

They're not even halfway through the movie when Cas changes positions, dislodging Dean from where he was comfortable. Dean turns to complain, but Cas takes his hand instead, pressing Dean's palm to the front of his pants. Cas is hard in his pants and any complaints die on Dean's tongue and he curls his hand around him. 

Outwardly, Cas shows no sign of anything unusual, but his breath is hot and heavy against Dean's neck and he tugs the blanket off the back of the couch, spreading it over both of them. When Cas lets go of his wrist, Dean keeps going, sliding his palm up the length of Cas' cock and curving his fingers over the head. He wants to touch Cas properly, wants to taste him but he can't, not here. Leaving in the middle of a movie might be suspicious, but hiding under a blanket is a dead giveaway. 

His own cock pulses against its lace confines and Dean barely holds back a groan. Cas is somehow still stoic, staring ahead as Dean rubs him through his pants and Dean admires him for it; if their positions were reversed, he'd be biting his lips to keep from moaning. Cas' patience falters though when Dean slips under the waistband of his pants. 

" _Dean_ ," he breathes and Dean suspects it's a warning, but no one is paying attention to them. Charlie and Meg are sitting a foot apart on the other couch, pretending like they don't want to be wrapped around each other and Gabe's zoned out, both of his companions having fallen asleep already. No one cares what Dean's doing. He wraps his hand around Cas' cock, pulling down to the base and Cas drops his head against Dean's. 

"You don't have to," he huffs but Dean knows he's just being polite. He can hear the little hitches in his breath and he knows Cas wants this just as much as he does. 

"I want to," Dean mumbles. "I love the way you feel when you're hard." Cas groans softly, only encouraging Dean to continue. 

They manage to hold out until the movie's over but only because Cas physically pulls Dean's hand away and puts it back in his own lap. The credits roll and everyone else stays in place. Dean shifts impatiently but he's in no place to just stand up and walk to the bedroom. 

"Alright," Cas says, breaking the silence, "I'm gonna head to bed." He pushes himself up and turns just so that only Dean can see how hard he is. "Are you coming?" he asks Dean, softer. 

Dean nods silently, waiting for someone to comment, but no one does and when Cas smiles down at him, Dean eagerly gets up to follow him.


	12. Chapter 12

As soon as the door shuts, Cas' mouth is against his. Cas holds him close, moving against him as he walks him back against the wall. Dean's back bumps against it and he lets out a little huff of surprise as Cas' cock presses into his hip. He shifts so his own cock presses against Cas, pushing his hips forward just slightly to rub against him. 

He's been thinking about this for ages and the last twenty-four hours have been killing him. Having Cas right in front of him and not being able to touch him is a whole new level of unfairness. Fuck what their friends think, he should have pulled him straight into the bedroom when they got home from town. 

He rocks forward again, moaning as he makes contact with Cas'' erection and Cas kisses the sounds from his lips. Cas breathes against him, humming as he lets his teeth graze Dean's bottom lip. His hands slip down Dean's sides, thumbs catching teasingly on the waist of his pants before slipping underneath and squeezing Dean's ass through the panties. 

"You look so fucking hot in those," he rumbles, pressing in to bite gently at Dean's earlobe. "I can't wait to get you out of your clothes." 

Dean groans in his impatience, but Cas doesn't seem to want to keep him waiting. Tentative fingers press between his cheeks, slowly drifting lower as Dean melts into the touch. Cas doesn't give him much, just brushes over his hole but Dean's been holding out for so long already that he can barely hold back a moan as Cas presses against him. He presses his hips back and Cas doesn't even try to pull away. Instead, he pushes a little, barely breaching the ring of muscle as he fits himself up against Dean's chest. 

Cas kisses him again, rushed and desperate and Dean shoves him back. He's eager to get this show on the road and Cas is just as impatient as he is - if the way he kisses in anything to go by. Cas stares at him, stunned and aroused, for a moment until Dean hobbles toward him. 

He wraps his arms around Dean's waist, pulling him flush against his stomach as he lets himself be walked back to the bed. Dean kisses him again and for a moment he loses himself in the slide of Cas' lips and the press of his fingers, creeping low again. Dean wants to let him but he wants to make Cas feel good too and he shoves him down onto the bed, earning him another skeptical look. He doesn't have time to consider it before he's dropping to his knees, pushing Cas' thighs apart to give himself better access. 

Cas groans as Dean gets his hands on him and Dean runs a hand up the length of Cas' covered cock just to hear it again. He's careful as he opens Cas' jeans, keeping his eyes up to watch Cas' expression as he curls his fingers around him. Cas' eyes roll back in his head as Dean licks the head of his cock and as his Dean's lips slide over him, he falls back, propping himself up on his hands. 

Dean loves knowing he's the one to bring someone else pleasure; he remembers the first time with Cas, the way Cas writhed and moaned under him in the backseat of the Impala. He felt like Cas was out of his league back then, too, but it didn't stop him from doing everything in his power to prove otherwise. Now he knows how Cas feels, what he wants from him, and he's no less eager to make Cas moan. 

Dean eases onto him, taking him just a little at a time and winding his tongue around him. Cas' breaths come quick and shallow and Dean keeps his eyes up, watching the way Cas' face scrunches in pleasure, the way he bites down on his bottom lip when Dean runs his tongue over the head of his cock. 

When he finally reaches the base, pushing Cas' cock into the back of his throat, Dean takes him down quickly. Cas gasps at the suddenness of it, thrusting a hand into Dean's hair and squeezing tight. Dean keeps him down as long as he can before sliding off and suckling at the head of Cas' cock. 

Dean looks up, seeking approval and Cas is watching him intently, lip trapped between his teeth, eyes dark. He sucks hard and Cas blinks rapidly, tightening his grip on Dean's hair. He lifts his hips just a little and Dean moans around him, slipping his hand under Cas' thigh. He urges him forward, encouraging the roll of Cas' hips and Cas doesn't hesitate. 

He's gentle at first, careful not to push too hard, but Dean makes it as clear as he can that he wants Cas to fuck his mouth. He loves the feeling of Cas' cock on his tongue, thrusting quickly and taking his pleasure from him. It doesn't take long for Cas to catch on and he leans up over him, cupping Dean's jaw with one hand as he thrusts into his mouth. 

Dean groans softly around him, shutting his eyes and focusing on the slide of Cas' cock on his tongue. His own cock jerks in his pants and it's all he can do not to reach down and touch himself. Cas moans above him, letting out soft breathy prayers and Dean sucks hard as he draws back. 

" _Fuck_ ," Cas groans. 

His hips stutter and he leans down over Dean, sliding a hand down his spine. Dean opens his eyes, tipping his head back and Cas meets his gaze, keeping his eyes locked on him as he fingers press under the waistband of Dean's pants. 

Cas' fingers press back against his hole and Dean drops his head forward, sinking fully onto Cas' cock. He arches his back, pushing onto Cas' fingers encouragingly. He's been holding out so long already, he just wants Cas inside him already, but Cas seems to be quite happy taking things slow. 

_Fuck that_ , Dean thinks. They've waited long enough for this and they only have a little while to enjoy it. He pulls off of Cas' cock and tugs away from him. He's met with a questioning look from Cas, but he just grins at him and pushes himself up from Cas' knees. He pants down over his hips and when he reaches for the panties Cas' grabs his wrist. 

"Keep them on."

Dean nods and continues, stepping out of his pants and climbing up into Cas' lap. He reaches between them, curling his fingers around Cas' cock and brushing up to the head. Cas rolls his hips with the motion and one of his hands slides up into Dean's hair. He pulls him closer, kissing him hard. 

Dean lets go of his cock, sliding forward in Cas' lap to press his own cock against him. He rolls his hips and Cas' other hand finds his lower back, pressing his fingers into his skin. His breath comes out in hot puffs against Dean's skin and he presses his face into Dean's neck. He sucks his skin and nips at it and Dean shudders under him, tipping his head back and pushing his hips forward. He groans as Cas pulls away, but then Cas has a hand on his face, turning him so they're facing each other. 

"Don't push so hard," he breathes. "Just relax, we've got all night."

Dean groans but Cas just smiles at him and pulls him into a soft kiss. Dean rolls his hips sliding against Cas' still-covered cock. The satin makes it smoother, but he wants the friction, wants to feel the drag of skin against skin and he doesn't want to be patient. He pushes Cas back against the mattress, climbing up over him as Cas straightens himself out. 

"Then you can fuck me twice," he rasps. Cas chuckles darkly at him, but he gets with the program. He smoothes his hands down Dean's sides, brushing lightly over the skin beneath before pulling his shirt up over his head. 

Dean moves with him, but when Cas moves to get his own shirt off, he pushes Dean up again pushing his hips up against him. Dean has to press his hands to Cas' stomach to keep from tipping over, but he lets his fingers wander, locking his eyes with Cas' as he snaps the waistband of his underwear. He gets them down unchallenged, but when he moves to stroke Cas' cock, fingers curl around his wrist and he finds himself pulled forward. 

He's pressed flush against Cas' chest and he can feel his sock where it slides against his thigh. It's hot as hell but his body is aching for more, jerking against Cas with every faint touch. Cas hauls him up and before Dean has a chance to wonder what he's doing, hot wet lips wrap around one of his nipples and pleasure sears through him. Cas gets his fingers around the other and Dean's cock twitches against his stomach. 

"Baby, you're killin' me," he groans, but his voice belies him, speaking only of pleasure. He pushes his hips down, vaguely aware that he's rubbing his cock against Cas' chest, but he's too far gone to care anymore. And besides, Cas doesn't seem to so why should he? 

Cas doesn't let up, tweaking and sucking his nipples until Dean's completely loose against him, whimpering his need into Cas' skin. He's wet in his panties and he might be embarrassed to be leaking all over Cas' chest if it wasn't Cas' own damn fault. He'd forgotten how much Cas likes to tease him, how he likes to take him apart until the only thing keeping him from losing control is Cas himself and then, when Dean is out of his mind with pleasure, Cas will finally give him what he wants. 

He relents, letting Cas play with his nipples until he's sure he's gonna come like that and then just as he tries to push against him, Cas moves. He rolls them over, pushing himself up and looking down on Dean for a moment before licking a stripe up his chest. Dean pushes his fingers into his hair and Cas hums as he kisses him. 

His mouth is hot against Dean's skin and each kiss sends shivers through him. Dean runs a hand down Cas' chest, sliding over his exposed cock and stroking him quickly. He loves the feel of him, the thick heat in his hand and the way Cas hesitates, just slightly, when Dean wraps around him. As determined as he is, Cas is only human and he can only take so much before need overtakes him. 

In one quick motion, Cas pulls away and flips Dean onto his stomach, moving to straddle the backs of his thighs. Dean lets out a soft sigh as Cas' fingers dig into the flesh of his ass, but it's only brief. His hands slide up, pressing along Dean's spine and Dean shifts his hips, groaning as he rocks against the mattress. Cas leans over him and for a second, his cock presses against Dean's ass and dean pushes against him. It's short lived, but as Cas moves down, he lets his finger catch on Dean's waistband tugging his sweatpants off without a second thought. 

Dean pulls a pillow under his head, moaning into it as he ruts against the bed. It's a little rough when the panties have pulled down over his cockhead, but he's hard as fuck and he doesn't care. Cas slips a hand under him, tugging the panties back up over his cock and then sliding back around to pull them down over his ass. He doesn't even have a chance to move before Cas is spreading his cheeks apart, rubbing his thumb over his hole and it feels so good Dean nearly forgets how to breathe. 

He moans encouragingly, pushing his hips back in an attempt to get Cas to press harder, but he's pressed back into the bed instead. Hot breath dusts over his skin and before he can prepare himself, Cas' tongue is on him, licking over his hole and pressing against it. 

"Is this what you want?" he breathes, pulling away to press kisses into Dean's thighs. Dean barely manages a stifled _yeah_ before Cas is pushing into him again. 

It's sloppy and wet and there's a good chance these panties won't make it past tonight. Cas tugs on them, pulling hard as he thrusts his tongue into him and it only serves to turn Dean on even more. He's willing to forfeit every pair he owns if it'll get Cas to tongue-fuck him like this. 

Cas lifts his hips and Dean pulls his knees under him, pushing his ass up in the air. It gives Cas better access and the gesture doesn't go unnoticed. Cas only pulls away for a second before his hands are on him again, running over his hole and he teases his rim with a slick finger, circling it before rubbing over it. 

" _Please_ ," Dean groans, "I want you inside me. Come on baby, please." He wiggles his hips and Cas smacks him playfully, bending down to kiss his back. 

"I forgot how demanding you are," he hums, "but you're not in charge right now." He runs his finger over Dean's hole again, before pushing in. "I'll fuck you when you're good and ready."

Dean wants to tell him that he's plenty ready right now, but then Cas' mouth is on h8im again and suddenly he cares a whole lot less. He whimpers as Cas' finger slides into him again and it's a little rougher this time, but nothing he wouldn't get off on his own. Cas, apparently, disagrees and he pulls away, climbing off the bed to get the lube. 

When he comes back, he wastes no time, slipping a slick finger into him and Dean decides the lube was worth it, after all. He pushes back, pushing onto Cas' finger until Cas finally relents and pushes all the way in. He rubs into him briefly before pulling out altogether and Dean groans in complaint. Cas just laughs softly and dips back down to mouth at his hole. 

Dean moans out loud and reaches up for his cock, slipping inside his panties to wrap around himself. He's completely soaked with pre-come and Cas' tongue is doing exactly nothing to help that. He strokes himself slowly, not wanting to come too soon, but he needs the friction or he's going to explode. 

Cas slips a finger into him again, alternating between that and his tongue before using both at once. Sweat prickles at the base of Dean's back and he rocks his hips in time with Cas' touches, desperate for more. When Cas slides a second finger in with the first, Dean lets go of his cock, digging his fingers into the sheets. Cas fucks him steadily, aiming for his prostate with every thrust and he's remarkably accurate. 

Dean's already overwhelmed and then Cas adds a third finger. His eyes roll back in his head and he grits his teeth against the pain but he loves the way Cas stretches him. He doesn't push deep, but he doesn't have to, Dean's likely to get off on the feeling of being stretched alone. 

"Think you can take it further?" Cas huffs and for the first time, Dean realizes how desperate he sounds. 

"Yeah," Dean whines, "you gonna give it to me?"

"Mmhm," Cas hums. He pulls Dean up to his knees, running one hand up his stomach as he kisses his neck. He pushes deeper and Dean arches off of him, pushing his hips down as he relaxes. "Dean," he breathes, "I want you to fuck my fingers, can you do that?" 

Dean nods and his eyes flutter shut as he sinks down on Cas' fingers. He likes something thick up his ass. It's been a long time since he's had the chance and it's a little difficult at first. 

By the time he adjusts to the stretch, he's so close he could come just like this. He gives a few good thrusts, taking Cas as deep as he can manage, but it's too much. 

" _Oh god_ ," Dean breathes. "Cas, baby, please you gotta stop or I'm not gonna make it." Cas just hums, leaning down to kiss his neck and he pushes deeper. He rubs against Dean's prostate, heedless of Dean's soft pleas and when he increases his pressure, Dean knows it's over. 

He jerks his hips frantically as he comes, and Cas keeps going, fucking into him until Dean's vision blurs and he has to bite his lip to keep from announcing his orgasm to the entire cabin. Cas doesn't let up, even as he's coming down from the high and Dean whimpers with every thrust, pushing his hips back in time. 

When Cas finally withdraws, Dean lets his body go limp, falling back against Cas' shoulder and turning this head to face Cas. "Why'd you do that?" Dean huffs. Cas dips down to kiss the side of his mouth. 

"Because," he teases, "you're so much more patient after you come."

"You're a dick," Dean groans and Cas laughs as he wraps his arms around him. 

"Does that mean you don't want me to fuck you?" Dean shakes his head and Cas drops his hand to run up the underside of his cock. "That's what I thought."

Cas loosens his hold on him, slipping one hand up and down Dean's stomach as he adjusts himself. The blunt head of his cock presses against Dean's hole and he's still soft from his orgasm, but he pushes his hips back enthusiastically. He drops his head back onto Cas' shoulder with a pointed moan, rolling his hips until Cas is fully inside of him.

Cas dips to kiss his shoulder. "I might have been wrong about you being patient," he purrs. Cas presses into him and Dean bites his lip to keep from moaning too loudly as Cas presses against his prostate. His eyes roll back in his head and he goes limp against Cas' chest. 

"Come on Dean, I want to hear you."

"They're all gonna know exactly what we're doing," he grumbles and Cas just runs a hand over his nipple. 

"They already know. No one in their right mind would turn you down, given the chance. Honestly, Sam's lucky I didn't blow the whole thing out of the water that first night we shared a room."'

"I couldn't even stand up and you wanted to fuck me?" Dean smirks. 

"Tell me you would've stopped me." Dean just shrugs and Cas smiles against his skin. "That's what I thought."

Cas rocks into him slow and steady. He takes his time with it, and by the time he even starts to speed up, Dean's hard again. Cas stokes him as he fucks him, letting his fingers drag up the length of him before curling around the head. Dean's sensitive enough with Cas' cock grinding against his prostate and he's quickly unravelling all over again. The soft little groans Cas breathes into his ear aren't helping. 

"You feel amazing, baby."

"Yeah," Cas groans, "you too."

Dean shuts his eyes and wraps a hand around himself. He's so sensitive that it almost hurts, but when Cas fucks into him, he doesn't care. He moans quietly, sliding his hand over his cock and he can feel Cas' hips stutter.

"You gonna come?" he asks and Cas huffs against his cheek. 

"You first."

Dean chuckles and drops his head back, rolling his head to press into Cas' neck. His breath is hot and damp where it reflects back at him, and he tugs on his cock quickly. He squeezes the head and pushes himself down on Cas, pushing toward his climax and it hits him suddenly, nearly knocking the breath out of him. 

Cas comes with him, grunting in his ear and when Dean is so fucked out and limp that he can barely move, Cas tips his head toward him. Their lips meet softly, a contradiction to their heavy, desperate gasps for breath and Cas smiles as he collapses back against the bed, pulling Dean with him. 

For a moment, it's silent but for the sounds of their breath and Dean shuts his eyes, listening. A few days ago, he never thought he'd be here again, but as Cas' fingers brush down his arms, he smiles. 

"I missed this," he breathes and Cas huffs a soft laugh, shifting to lie next to him. 

"Me too."

"D'you think the others are still up?"

"Maybe. Why?"

"I wanna have a bath, don't wanna fall asleep all slimy." He grins at Cas and gets a soft chuckles in response. 

"Okay, you wait here and I'll check." 

Cas pushes himself up from the bed and Dean breathes deeply, smiling to himself. When he comes back a moment later, Cas confirms the others have vacated the living room and he's started running a bath. They share a bath and spend too long afterward lounging in the cooling water, but neither of them mind. 

When they finally go to bed, Dean sleeps soundly for the first time in days.

\- - - - -

The next day, everyone acts like they don't know, but they know. Dean sees it in the way they smile at them or the way they lean in close to each other to whisper something when they're not paying attention. He doesn't mind and if Cas notices, he doesn't say anything about it.

Sam does his best to make up for the beginning of the trip and in return, Dean doesn't mention how close he and Gabe seem to have gotten in the past twenty-four hours. It's not worth the argument anyway. 

That night it snows. Everyone gathers outside in the back yard and Dean bundles himself up and watches from the patio. He doesn't mind not being able to join them because he knows there will be other trips and other times. And they're happy, so he's happy. Cas comes to sit with him after a little while, pushing him to one side of the bench and squishing up close to him. 

"Are you okay?" he asks and Dean smiles, nodding slowly. 

"Yeah. I am."

"How's your leg?"

"Not great, but it's fine. Having fun?"

Cas hums a confirmation, slipping his fingers between Dean's. "I think we're gonna head in soon though, make some hot chocolate and watch a movie."

"That sounds incredible."

"Good." Cas leans over to kiss him on the nose before pushing himself to his feet and offering a hand out to Dean. 

For their last day, time goes by way too quickly. Before he knows it, they're getting ready for bed and while he brushes his teeth, Dean reflects on the trip. Overall, it hasn't been a bad vacation, but he wishes he'd talked to Sam sooner. Now, he has a whole new set of problems to face. 

Tomorrow morning they head home and Cas goes back to Florida. It's not like it's across the world, but it feels like a hell of a long way to Dean and he's not sure how he's going to handle being away from him for so long again. 

Cas comes up behind him, winding his arms around Dean's waist and he rests his head on his shoulder, smiling. Dean grins sheepishly at their reflection in the mirror and turns to kiss Cas' lips. Then again, if they can make it through this and the past year of separation, they can get through anything.


	13. Epilogue

SIX MONTHS LATER

Dean hates this, the goodbye. There aren't a lot of them and maybe that makes it worse rather than better. In the time he and Cas have been together, they've seen each other exactly three times and those visits are never long enough. He frowns, letting his hands slip from Cas' and tries to hide just how disappointed he is that they have to say goodbye again. Not goodbye forever, but still. 

"I hate this," he mumbles, "I hate leaving you." He's vaguely aware of Sam and Jo in the background, still watching, still probably talking about them - but he doesn't care. 

"Me too," Cas agrees. "Two more months," he says hopefully, "two more months and you'll be here and we'll never have to do this again." A smile tugs at the corner of Dean's lips and Cas reaches up to cup his face in his hand. 

"I love you," he breathes. Dean doesn't know what to say immediately and Sam and Jo are still watching. Emotion bubbles up in his chest and to spare himself a public display, he steps forward and kisses Cas. He lets himself be pulled into a firm, warm embrace. 

And then his flight is called. 

Pulling back, Dean smiles at him, less anxious than he had been. "I love you too," he whispers. Cas kisses him again, quickly, softly, before Sam and Jo approach and the moment is gone. 

Sam pulls him into a hug, then Jo, both of them promising to talk to him soon. Dean knows they will, they have been as long as they've both been in Florida. Neither of them knows though, that this is the last time he'll be leaving; that's a secret known only to him and Cas for the time being, and he likes it that way. 

He says goodbye to all of them and turns to head for his gate. Tomorrow he'll go back to work, hand in his resignation and start on packing. He's got a job lined up in Palo Alto and Cas has found them a nice little apartment not too far from Sam and Jo - and more recently, Gabriel. 

Gabe had been the one to spark this idea in the first place; he's been all but living with them since their return from their vacation and Cas loves his brother, but he doesn't love living with him. Jo called him a traitor for abandoning her here with Gabe and Sam and Dean knows when she finds out his part in all of this, he'll get the same treatment. 

Whatever it takes, it's worth it. In two months, he'll be in Florida, he'll be living with Cas and they'll never have to leave each other again. Plus, as a bonus, he'll be closer to Sam and Jo.


End file.
